Fortitude

I wrote this poem for two reasons: 1) to preserve the details of a particularly vivid dream I had years ago, and 2) as an exercise in blank verse. With the exception of the two closing lines of alexandrines, the poem is all iambic pentameter.

 

I had this dream years before I returned to the Church. Later, during the discernment of my religious vocation, I chanced to glance through St Teresa of Avila's Interior Castle  and was astounded at the similarity between my dream and some passages in Second Mansions. This didn't really influence my decision to enter the monastery, but I did feel that the Spirit was speaking to my subconscious, even though at the time of the dream I had no idea what it meant.

Fortitude

Its bleak, imposing walls were banked with thorns;
Its mullioned windows, hulled unblinking eyes,
Kept watch upon the silent stretch of mead.
It stood as if in wait for someone who,
Like me, has wandered through this somber land
To start anew, unfettered by old sins.
Beyond the ranks of walls, beyond the mead,
I saw a forest beckoning with songs
Of hidden sparrows, verdant shade to soothe
My weary limbs, and brooks to cleanse away
With healing lays the dust of sodden years.

But thorns grew tangled thick around the walls
That stood between me and that blessèd place;
They hid the ground to left, the ground to right;
The only way I saw to paradise
Was through the walls and out the farther side.
I ran, I know not how; I could not feel
My feet, but trusted that they carried me
Despite the trepidation in my heart.

And there the timbered door stood opened wide,
A gaping mouth in wait for prey, for those
Who go undaunted through its splintered jaws.
I could not feel my feet, still less the ground;
But air tore past me sharply on my way
Through darkness of a narrow corridor,
A strangled throat of cold and damp, and on
Towards a faint and faintly winking light.

From dark to light, a sudden brutal shock;
From narrow hall to courtyard, savage bright,
And teeming with a mass of flicking tongues
And glinting scales. I felt my courage clamp
Itself around my throat, an iron band
Through which my breath came forth a ragged thread.
I had no feet at all, or so it seemed;
I only knew my body fought its way
Across the writhing courtyard floor, above
The slithering mass that stabbed and snapped the air
About my legs.

                                              I saw a gate ahead
That opened on the mead. Its doors were not
The splintered jaws that I had met before;
These welcomed with the promise of new life.
The band about my throat sprang loose; relieved,
I felt once more the grass beneath my feet;
Once more I saw across a thorn-less mead
The longed-for wood, a little nearer now,
And felt my blood, that had grown cold with fright,
Become a pulsing joy through all my limbs.

The walls stood stark behind me, draped in heavy past,
And hope lay green beneath a widening arc of light.

© Leticia Austria 2008

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Four

     Again, all the quotes were taken directly from the DVDs and checked multiple times for accuracy.

     I've noticed something rather interesting while doing this series. With each successive season, Niles' one-line zingers become fewer and farther between. The character doesn't get less funny, however; I think he gets funnier as the series progresses. But his funniness evolves from one-line zingers to more character-driven reactions, both verbal and physical, as well as situations. Also, many of the biggest laughs are generated not by the lines themselves, but by David Hyde Pierce's reading of them. His delivery and timing make them even funnier than they are on the page.

     There are six episodes in this season from which I didn't extract any quotes at all: "Our Father, Whose Art Ain't Heaven," "Three Days of the Condo," "Roz's Krantz and Gouldenstein Are Dead," "Roz's Turn," "Are You Being Served?", and "Ask Me No Questions." The reason is not that Niles wasn't funny in them; in fact "Are You Being Served?" is one of the funniest Niles-focused episodes in all of Frasier.  But I couldn't lift individual quotes from it or the other five, because they simply weren't that funny out of context. They're hilarious when one watches the scene in which they occur, and when one actually hears and sees them delivered with Pierce's consummate comic skill.

     All that being said, Niles still has undeniably great quotable lines in the later seasons. I'll also be lifting his more poignant, heart-wrenching lines for this blog series. After all, Niles, like all great comic characters, is multi-dimensional; and David Hyde Pierce, like all great comedic actors, can make you cry as easily as he makes you laugh.

 

"The Two Mrs. Cranes"

 

MARTIN: Come on, they're great guys. Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim ... course, his name's not really Jim. We call him that 'cuz he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank "Bud" 'cuz he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys.

NILES: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it.

 

"Love Bites Dog"

 

FRASIER: (reading NILES' advertisement copy)  "Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts." Well ... just excellent, Niles. (sarcastically) All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon with you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head.

NILES: Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.

 

"The Impossible Dream"

 

FRASIER: (describing a dream)  It's a bit hazy, but it starts out in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.

NILES: Interesting.

FRASIER: Yes, well ... I roll over and discover on my forearm a tattoo, the word "Chesty."

NILES: Interesting.

FRASIER: Yes, and then the shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps ... a man. (beat)  All right, go ahead, let me have it.

NILES: Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?

 

"A Crane's Critique"

 

NILES: I've always idolized him. What I wouldn't give to meet that man!

ROZ: Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?

NILES: I can't just walk up to a god like that.

ROZ: Well, find a subtler way.

NILES: In your vernacular, that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?

*****

NILES: You know very well that in 1982 there was a drought in Bourgogne. The locals dubbed it "The Year of the Raisin."

 

"Head Game"

 

FRASIER: Listen, Niles, I'd – I'd like you to do my show for me for the week I'm gone.

NILES: Me, standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier, I couldn't presume to fill those big, floppy red shoes of yours.

FRASIER: Please, please, Niles. Look, I'm begging you. The station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as "Ma Nature." She does a gardening show, and I'm just little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.

NILES: It hasn't yet.

*****

BASKETBALL PLAYER: Well, you see, for the last two weeks, every time I get my hands on the pill, I choke.

NILES: Well, have you tried mashing it with a spoon?

*****

NILES: We'll start with a positive visualization. I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath ... good. Now, I want you to imagine yourself on the playing surface, doing whatever it is you actually do. Tell me what you see.

BASKETBALL PLAYER: Okay, uh ... Kemp's passing me the ball ... I'm bringing it up court ... I'm dribbling ...

NILES: Don't worry about your appearance.

*****

BASKETBALL PLAYER: Hey, hey, hey, N. C.! You made it!

NILES: I beg your pardon? Oh, "N. C." I thought you said "Nancy." For a second, it was prep school all over again.

 

"Mixed Doubles"

 

NILES: Perhaps I'll take that brandy.

FRASIER: Yes, all right, uh ... Niles, you know, before you do something this rash, perhaps you should consider it from all angles.

NILES: I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles.

*****

FRASIER: I'm just ... just not sure if this is the right timing.

NILES: No, no, if you're trying to rattle me, it's not going to work. I've been rehearsing this for months. "Daphne, there's something I need to talk to you about ... it's a matter of ... Daphne ... for a long time now, I, uh ... you and I, uh ... we ...." Exactly how's the brandy getting here, by St. Bernard?!

*****

NILES: I know I don't have your total support in this, but ... how shall I put this?

FRASIER: You don't care?

NILES: If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" into there, you'd have it.

*****

NILES: (to ROZ, entering a singles bar)  Well, I'm here. I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing mismatched socks, and I'm so nervous, I could wet myself.

*****

NILES: Oh, spare me, you ludicrous popinjay!

*****

DAPHNE: If it had been a different time in both our lives, we  might actually have met [in the singles bar]. How do you suppose that would have gone?

NILES: What, our conversation?

DAPHNE: Yes. Go on, just for fun. We could both use a smile.

NILES: Uh, well, I ... I would have said, "Is this seat taken?" And, uh, you would have said, "No." And you would have said, "My name is Daphne," and I would have said, "My name is Niles." And then I would have said ... "What are you doing for the rest of your life?"

DAPHNE: (laughing)  You always know just the right thing to say. Oh, I love ya, Dr. Crane.

NILES: (beat)  I love you, too, Daphne.

 

"A Lilith Thanksgiving"

 

FRASIER: Her husband is off in New Zealand exploring a volcano.

MARTIN: Why couldn't she go with him?

NILES: Because if she accidentally fell in, the shock wave from the hottest thing in nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the earth in two.

*****

NILES: When are you going to learn, Dad? The only thing [sic] the Crane boys are skilled at catching is [sic] sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus.

 

"Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine"

 

FRASIER: What article did you win for?

NILES: A gripping case history of a narcissistic opera singer. I called it "Me, Me, Me, Me, Me."

*****

SHERRY: Oh, I love making people laugh! To me, humor is like medicine.

NILES: (aside, to FRASIER)  Guess we're in the placebo group.

*****

SHERRY: My mama always used to say to me, "Honey, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone." It's true!

MARTIN: (laughing)  Yeah!

SHERRY: Well, Mama had lots of sayings like that.

NILES: I didn't know Mae West had children.

*****

DAPHNE: You know, I keep meaning to ask – what's that lovely perfume you're wearing?

FRASIER: Yes, I've been wondering that myself.

SHERRY: It's called Milady's Boudoir. You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is. For a hundred bucks, I could buy enough to drown myself in!

NILES: (aside, to FRASIER)  I've got sixty.

 

"Liar, Liar"

 

(NILES and FRASIER are accidentally wearing identical suits and shoes)

NILES: Well, why don't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's build?!

*****

NILES: You're not going down to the jail!

FRASIER: Yes, I am. And I invite you to join me.

NILES: Oh, yes, that's a good idea, Frasier – the Crane boys going to a prison in matching outfits.

 

"Death and the Dog"

 

NILES: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school, and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? Mozart'll tell me he's busy, but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln.

 

"Four for the Seesaw"

 

NILES: Yes, and just the mention of a double-bowl, stainless steel sink with integral drain boards makes me hum like a subzero freezer.

 

"To Kill a Talking Bird"

 

FRASIER: Niles, why would you even want to live in such a stodgy building? You know, when I applied there, they treated me like I was riffraff.

NILES: Well, if you're going to ask and answer your own questions, what do you need me for?

*****

FRASIER: You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.

NILES: Well, that's because he knows you.

FRASIER: Oh! Fan of my show?

NILES: No. He lives in your  building.

*****

FRASIER: I've taken myself off the dating circuit. I'm afraid I was getting a bit desperate.

NILES: Well, I was a bit concerned when you called to ask if Gloria was our first or second cousin.

 

"The Unnatural"

 

FRASIER: (looking at an old photograph)  Niles, refresh my memory. Why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists?

NILES: Oh, you've forgotten. That Halloween, we went as the Bay of Pigs.

*****

FRASIER: Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?

NILES: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

 

"Ham Radio"

 

FRASIER: Anyway, I spoke with the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired, "Nightmare Inn."

MARTIN: Oh, don't tell me, I know – a bunch of people get caught in a storm and everbody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.

FRASIER: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.

NILES: Oh, so we can stop wondering.

 

"Three Dates and a Breakup"

 

ROZ: Hey, at least I try to keep in shape. I haven't seen either one of you two try to run an eight-minute mile.

NILES: Stand upwind of us, and you might.

*****

NILES: Well, her lips said, "No," but her eyes said, "Read my lips."

*****

FRASIER: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet! I'm catnip!

NILES: I think I feel a furball coming up.

 

"Daphne Hates Sherry"

 

DAPHNE: I mean, I've been keeping myself on the shelf lately. I'm feeling a little like the good china.

NILES: Someone should be eating off you every day.

*****

NILES: Actually, Maris never held hands. She had a slight webbing that made her self-conscious.

 

"Odd Man Out"

 

MARTIN: Oh, you can't really judge what a person's like just from the voice.

NILES: That's true. I was once told that I sounded – imagine the impertinence – "uptight."

*****

FRASIER: I always liked the name Laura.

MARTIN: Hey, Frasier, you know, that was gonna be your name if you were a girl.

FRASIER: Really?

MARTIN: Yeah. Your mother always wanted Priscilla, but I never liked the nickname Prissy.

NILES: I never much cared for it, either.

*****

NILES: I met someone once, flying home from college. I got bumped into first class and found myself sitting next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older, and I was trying desperately to be suave; so when she leaned over and suggested we join the mile-high club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." God, that was twenty years ago. (wry chuckle)  Nope, still can't laugh about it.



Hindsight

How could I love so long, yet long to love?
If such a paradox could truly be,
Such question raised, it would perhaps behoove
Us both to view the past with clarity.
Now that denial's turbid haze has flown,
I see I touched you with the desperate hand
Of one whose need was wildly overgrown,
And held you in a girl's possessive bond.
A sort of love it was, but not of truth;
And woman's better sense acknowledged this,
Not with resentment or regret for youth,
But new resolve to search for what was missed.
I loved you long, but longing sharpened sight;
By letting go, we both have won the fight.

© Leticia Austria 2008

Venite, adoremus Dominum!

"Adoration of the Shepherds"
Tiepolo



Requiescat (May he rest)

This is another poem that began as a Facebook status. It was inspired by a visit to my father's grave.

Requiescat

In the midst of
military precision decorated
with discreet bouquets,
one grave

near my father's
breaks rank,
boasting
a 3-ft. Christmas tree,

fully decked
(lights included);
the family has
roped off the site

with silver
tinsel garland strung
on giant candy cane poles and
plastic poinsettias

thrust into the ground.
The crowning touch:
mammoth Santa hat stretched
onto the headstone.

My mother and I walk on
to wreathe
my father's name
with holly.

© Leticia Austria 2012

Light, Hope, Love

     I've celebrated, so far, over half a century's worth of Christmases. All have been spent in the loving and boisterous bosom of my family; all have featured torn gift wrapping strewn about the living room, good food that took hours to prepare and minutes to consume, laughter, hugs, and general good will. There were many Christmases long ago when the whole family climbed into our huge Chevy station wagon in our coats and Christmas finery, to drive to the Main Chapel on post for Midnight Mass. The colored lights cheered our way and the very air smelled of something joyful and comforting.

     There have also been Christmases that, on one level at least, were not so joyful. There was the Christmas of 1995, when I was going through the deepest depression of my life. Not yet returned to the sacraments at that time, I nevertheless experienced an inexplicable but undeniable solace when I walked into the church with my parents for Vigil Mass. Perhaps that was the beginning of my religious reversion.

     There have been three Christmases dimmed by the shadow of death: just days before Christmas 1977, my sister died, shot at point-blank range by her so-called boyfriend. The month before Christmas 2011, my father died, a peaceful early morning passing after years of physical and, I'm certain, mental suffering. And this year in Connecticut, twenty-six souls were taken from this earth in one mindless, brutal act.

     Through them all, there has been light. There has been hope. There has been love. These are things given by a merciful God to sustain and strengthen us, and can never be taken away.

 



A Painting I Love

"Couch on the Porch"
Frederick Childe Hassam
source



Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Three

These quotes have been transcribed directly from the DVDs and have been checked multiple times for accuracy.

"She's the Boss"

NILES: How did she know it wasn't a real gun? It fooled the servants. Even the ones who spent years fleeing juntas.

 

"Shrink Rap"

FRASIER: You don't have to speak for me, Niles. I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.

NILES: Yes, I know. Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice.

***

FRASIER: Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that smell of the office place - freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee, the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below ...

NILES: Actually, that's the lab next door. They lost power last night and some of their tissue samples turned.

***

FRASIER: (addressing Niles' therapy group)  I'll just be observing today. I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet, so just pretend I'm not here.

NILES: And good luck with that.

***

NILES: (to his therapy group)  You'll all find my brother is quite deft with these peppy little bromides. "Panacea for the pain." One can almost hear the phrase, "We'll be right back after these words from Pringles."

***

NILES: How dare you try to steal my group!

FRASIER: I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!

NILES: Oh, yes, your legions!  Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint, and call it "Frasierstock"?!

 

"Martin Does It His Way"

NILES: I'm sorry, I don't mean to quibble, but it seems like your heart is always going either highdee-heydee, ringy-dingy, or scooby-dooby.

MARTIN: Look, I don't need another critic.

NILES: Fine. Perhaps a cardiologist.

 

"Leapin' Lizards"

MARTIN: You listen to Bulldog's program?

NILES: Yes, Dad. I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.

***

NILES: You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, I happen to have one at the house. Last year, a disgruntled servant left one on Maris' dining room chair. Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted when my little fawn proved too light to activate it.

 

"Kisses Sweeter than Wine"

JOE the CONTRACTOR: I'll have it done by noon.

FRASIER: Splendid.

NILES: I told you he was good. We're talking about a man who satisfied Maris - something that's still regrettably on my "to do" list.

***

NILES: I didn't do it for me, I did it for her. She deserves a doctor or a lawyer, someone for whom a t-shirt is an undergarment.

***

NILES: You have to ask Daphne out again.

JOE: Are you nuts? You heard what she said.

NILES: Yes, but if you ask her again, she'll say yes.

JOE: Hey, maybe I've changed my mind.

NILES: Oh, no, you haven't changed your mind. You're just letting masculine vanity and hurt feelings keep you from something that other men can only dream of in their oxblood Cetus leather wing-back chairs with the lights off.

JOE: Look, Dr. Crane, I just don't think it would work out, okay?

NILES: No, it's not okay. If you had ever smelled her hair ... you'd know she's worth at least one more try. She is an angel. She is a goddess. and she's waiting for you in the bathroom.

 

"Sleeping with the Enemy"

NILES: You know, there is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris. Remember when our stable boy Joaquim's appendix burst? She had him driven back to the border at her own personal expense.

***

DAPHNE: I'm no stranger to that feeling meself. It can strike without warning. And you don't know who it will be. Why, you could be standing next to a person month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off. There's a word for it ...

NILES: Hope?

***

FRASIER: I was standing in front of her desk, like so. She was facing me. Niles, you be Kate.

NILES: I will not.

FRASIER: Look, just stand up.

NILES: I'm always the girl! In every prep school play I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie - well, no more, I'm through with it. When do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.?

 

"The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl"

NILES: Oh, look at the time. I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry. If I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.

***

NILES: I listened to your program as I was driving home last night. Here's a bill to replace the front grill of my Mercedes, and a second to replace the back bumper of some wretched little domestic car.

 

"The Last Time I Saw Maris"

FRASIER: Excuse me - she's been missing for three days, and you're just panic-stricken now?

NILES: I only just realized it. The last two nights, I knocked on Maris' bedroom door to wish her good night, and I was greeted with a chilly silence, so naturally I assumed everything was status quo.

***

NILES: Maris ordered me to get my stuff out of there by sundown, or else she'd turn it over to a church bazaar. Oh, oh! And - I got these jeans! Right? Right? And I'm starting a goatee, and I'm thinking of joining a gym, but I don't know whether aerobics or weight training is the quickest route to buff. Any thoughts?

 

"Frasier Grinch"

MARTIN: (to FRASIER)  Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember? I wanted you to love baseball. I wanted to get you a bat and glove, everything, for Christmas. But you had your mind set on a microscope, so that's what I got you.

NILES: And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time looking for rodent hairs in your hot dog.

 

"It's Hard to Say Goodbye if You Won't Leave"

NILES: You know, that's the improper use of a hyphen.

MARTIN: Somehow, I don't think Morrie Dingman will mind.

NILES: Well, then, I'm sure he won't notice that missing comma and that run-on sentence. Although, this is a particularly glaring error: it's best not to end a sentence with a preposition. (MARTIN writes something in large letters)  Not to be technical, but "off" is a preposition, too.

***

DAPHNE: Well, if you think so much of her, why don't you ask her out?

FRASIER: Well, we agreed we wouldn't pursue things. And, frankly, she hasn't given me any indication since that she's even had a second thought about me.

NILES: Added to which, if Frasier did  pursue her and she rejected him, he could hardly rationalize it by saying, "She doesn't know what she's missing." She would know exactly what she's missing. She just didn't miss it.

 

"The Friend"

FRASIER: You know, Dad, I did have friends in college and back in Boston. It's only since I moved back to Seattle that I've started falling back on Niles.

NILES: Ooooh - "falling back on Niles."

FRASIER: Oh, Niles, you know what I mean. Settling for what's comfortable and familiar. My God, you and I can go out together and I know what you're thinking before you even say it.

NILES: Well, then, I'm sorry you had to hear that, Frasier.

 

"Moon Dance"

MARTIN: You know, Niles, I think your problem is you still think of yourself as that same geeky kid you were in high school. But you've come a long way since then. And you're not doing yourself any favors staying home every night. Now, just think about it.

NILES: (whines)

DAPHNE: Wine, Dr. Crane?

NILES: Well, wouldn't you?

***

DAPHNE: Step towards me, then bring your right forward and over, and slide the left over to meet it. Then the right foot goes back, the left back and over, and the right slides next to it, and that's it. All right, once again. One-two-three, a-two-two-three, a-three-two-three, a-four-two-three.

NILES: This is boring, yet difficult.

***

MARTIN: Come on, Niles, you think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?

NILES: What are you implying?

MARTIN: You know damn well what I'm implying. Take my word for it. You're sticking a fork in a toaster here.

NILES: Well, my muffin's stuck.

***

MARTIN: There was this pretty coroner in the city morgue. I always had a bit of a crush on her. Whenever we'd find a dead body I'd yell out, "Okay, boys, I'll take it from here!" So this one night, I invited her down to the corner bar.

NILES: Coroners have their own bars?

***

NILES: Uh, just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

DAPHNE: You know, when I was at school, I knew a boy named Niles, and I called him Niley.

NILES: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

 

"The Show where Diane Shows Up"

NILES: Are you still in love with her?

FRASIER: No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion!

NILES: Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial," I'll move on.

 

"A Word to the Wiseguy"

MARTIN: I hope everything works out for you, but I think the law should be the same for everyone.

NILES: Well, it's not. We'd all like to believe justice is blind, but the sad truth is, wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake.

***

ROZ: You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops.

NILES: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.

***

NILES: How can I repay you?

ROZ: The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life or what I'm wearing, keep it to yourself.

NILES: (his eyes sweep over ROZ's outfit)  Consider it done.

 

"Look before You Leap"

NILES: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.

FRASIER: Oh, Niles ...

NILES: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can  bet he's not gettin' any.

***

NILES: You just don't want me to have sex because you're  not having any.

FRASIER: I most certainly am, too!

NILES: Your lips say yes, but your cuticles speak volumes.

 

"High Crane Drifter"

NILES: And even worse, after I'd left the car off at the body shop, the rental agency didn't have a single luxury car left. They stuck me with some vehicle I believe they call a "hunchback."

FRASIER: No, I think that would be a hatchback, Niles.

NILES: It's painted panic-button red, and has a large rear window that pops open.

FRASIER: Oh, that would be the hatchback.

NILES: Oh. Well, there's a novel idea. Name the car after its most hideous feature. I presume it was a toss-up between "hatchback" and "what's that odor coming from the floor?"

***

NILES: Oh, there he is. The man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera.

***

MARTIN: This is my favorite part: "With one swift move, the good doctor hoisted the miscreant out on his ear, declaring, 'What you need is an etiquette lesson!'" I love that! You've got your own tough guy catch phrase!

NILES: It's perfect for you, Frasier. Dirty Harry meets Emily Post.

***

NILES: Oh, for God's sake, Frasier, don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from penis envy!

 

"Crane vs. Crane"

DAPHNE: Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's boxing match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.

NILES: Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.

 

"Where there's Smoke, there's Fired"

FRASIER: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. It's just that, uh, the station's been sold. I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. I must admit, she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.

NILES: Oh, really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.

***

ROZ: You're clipping coupons?

NILES: I'm economizing.

ROZ: Oh, well, it's about time. You spend money like a drunken sailor.

NILES: She said authoritatively.

***

NILES: I just discovered a place called Price Busters Warehouse. You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary, and they have a huge selection. I found french fries and french doors in the same aisle.

 

"Frasier Loves Roz"

NILES: (referring to a womanizing patient he's spotted in the cafe)  Oh - now serving 151!

FRASIER: Good God! He's here to see Roz?

NILES: Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.

 

"The Focus Group"

FRASIER: Niles, what was that all about?

NILES: I'm not sure, but, oh, mama, it was glorious! Blood pounding, sarcastic zingers flying ... !

FRASIER: Are you saying that you enjoyed  fighting with Daphne?

NILES: Every exhilarating moment! It was pure, unbridled passion. I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead! Oh, oh, why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls? It's wonderful!

 

"You Can Go Home Again"

NILES: I've been dealing with him all by myself ever since Mom died. Now it's your turn. So, welcome home, prodigal son!

MARTIN: (o.s.)  You guys want some pork rinds?

NILES: And that's as close as you're going to get to a fatted calf.





Saturday Scrap-Bag

     "Scrap-Bag," "Whassup?", "Lately I've Been ... " —just how many titles can I come up with for these blog posts that are, in essence, about nothing in particular; posts I write when I really have nothing to write about? Well, this time I chose "Scrap-Bag," in reference to Louisa May Alcott's book Aunt Jo's Scrap-Bag, which I have never read and probably never will. You may make of that reasoning what you will.

     Yesterday being grey and damp, it seemed a good day to have my hair cut. It is fortunate indeed that monastic life purged me of much of my former vanity, because my hairdresser basically butchered my hair. If this had happened fifteen years ago, I would have looked in the mirror, shrieked, and worn hats for the next three weeks. Now, I look in the mirror, shrug, and say, "Oh, well, it'll grow out."

     After the butchering, my mother and I went to good ol' Jim's coffeeshop for brunch. (Jim's is definitely the kind of place one would describe as "good ol'," without the "d." You get the picture.) I overheard snatches of conversation from a neighboring booth, between a waitress and her customer.

     Waitress: " ... go to their website ... listed by genre ... just click 'literature' ... yeah, Edgar Rice Burroughs? ... the whole series ... "

     Her customer was reading an obviously brand new hardbound book in dustjacket; the book was still stiff enough that he was obliged to hold it open with one hand while eating with the other. I wished I could see the book's title. One of the Tarzans, do you think?

     Somehow, this incident prompted me to think about what kind of book is most fitting, both physically and subject-wise, for airplane travel. Since I don't own an e-reader, the physical aspects of a book are important to me. Many years of plane trips have taught me that hardbound books don't fare well in a plane's environment; for some reason, the pressurized air in the plane's cabin causes the book's binding to warp. The longer the flight, the more severe the warpage. And it is very difficult to get the binding back to normal afterwards. Some people may not care about warpage, but I am not one of those people. So I opt for paperbacks when flying. As to subject matter, frankly I can't deal with anything too complex or intellectual. Light is best. Amusing definitely helps. Rereads are great, because they don't necessarily demand your full attention; they're "been there, done that."

     At the moment, I'm taking my sweet time reading Elizabeth Taylor's A Game of Hide and Seek.  This novel is considered by many to be her masterpiece, so I am savoring slowly. Besides, Taylor is not the kind of author one can skim through rapidly or casually; she requires respectful and thoughtful attention. If read too quickly, much of her subtlety, and much of the essential beauty of her craft, can fly right over your head, and you're left trying to hang on to plot—a vain attempt, that, since Taylor's novels have little plot. No, she forces you to sit back and savor, which I think is a very good thing in these hectic and stressful times.

     The other night, I watched the Richard Tucker Awards Gala on PBS. For the uninitiated, Richard Tucker was one of America's greatest operatic tenors. The prestigious annual competition in his name grants monetary career awards to singers "on the rise," and the Gala showcases the winners, past winners, and singers who are simply famous, in a concert of arias and scenes with the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra. This year, the Gala concert was conducted by my former boss, Patrick Summers, and one of the featured singers is a graduate of the Houston Grand Opera Studio, Jamie Barton—so I felt obliged to watch. It was sort of amusing, because I found myself unfamiliar with several of the singers; not even their names rang a bell. Clearly, I've not been "keeping up." I am now very much out of the opera loop. Still, I loved hearing all that music, admiring most (not all) of the singing, and watching dear Patrick conduct. I miss him. Most importantly, I found myself listening to the singers without coaching them in my head! This is definitely progress!

     Well, those are all the scraps I have today. Maybe next time, I'll have a finished, cohesive quilt.

  

Passeggiata (Stroll)

"Lovers in a Woodland Clearing"
John Atkinson Grimshaw



 

I know there are no pine trees in this lovely painting; still, I thought the image well-suited to this poem, one of my earlier efforts, and the first to be published for a wider audience.

 

Passeggiata (I)
[pah-sed-JAH-ta - the "i" is not pronounced]

 

Walk with me.

The path beckons, winking in the dawnlight,

And the pines' drowsy whisperings call us

To quiet joy.  The sun through the branches

Welcomes our like hearts with perceptive arms

Limpid with the memory of darkness.

Now is our moment of peace.  We are led

On this narrow way through familiar lands

Defined in my mind; for I have mapped out

All my memories in these woods and fields;

Each blade and limb and stone has its country,

And all sing to me of God's sure blessing.

Could He begrudge me your dear company,

Poignant and wistful as the rain lily

I pressed among words of silent longing?

You are here, belovèd, bright in my heart,

Mine alone for this all-too-fleeting joy,

This, my moment of highest fulfillment:

My spirit and yours, walking together,

Hand in hand.

Cammina con me.
Il sentiero accenna, ammiccando nella luce dell'alba,
E il sussurrare sonnolento dei pini si chiama
Alla gioia tranquilla.  Il sole fra i rami
Accoglie i nostri cuori con braccia perspicaci
Limpidi con la memoria del buio.
Ora è il nostro momento di pace.  Siamo condotti
Su questa stretta via attraverso terre familiari
Definite nella mia mente; perché ho mappato
Tutti i miei ricordi in questi boschi e campi;
Ogni filo d'erba e ramo e pietra ha la sua patria,
E tutto canta a me della certa benedizione di Dio.

Potrebbe Lui invidiarmi la tua cara compagnia,
Commovente e malinconica come il giglio selvatico
Da me pressato fra le parole di desiderio silente?
Tu sei qui, adorato, radioso nel mio cuore,
Il mio solo per tutta questa troppo fuggevole gioia,
Questo, il mio momento di maggiore appagamento:
Il mio spirito ed il tuo, a camminare insieme
Mano nella mano.
 

© Leticia Austria 2007
First published in English in The San Antonio Express-News

Italian translation by Federica Galetto, published in La Stanza di Nightingale

 

From My Big Orange Book: Happy Birthday, Emily Dickinson!

 

Going to Him! Happy letter!

Tell Him -

Tell Him the page I didn't write -

Tell Him - I only said the Syntax -

And left the Verb and the pronoun - out -

Tell Him Just how the fingers burned -

Then - how they waded - slow - slow -

And then you wished you had eyes in your pages -

So you could see what moved them so -

 

Tell Him - it wasn't a Practised Writer -

You guessed - from the way the sentence toiled -

You could hear the Boddice tug, behind you -

As if it held but the might of a child -

You almost pitied it - you - it worked so -

Tell Him - No - you may quibble there -

For it would split His Heart, to know it -

And then you and I, were silenter.

 

Tell Him - Night finished - before we finished -

And the Old Clock kept neighing "Day"!

And you - got sleepy -

And begged to be ended -

What would it hinder so - to say?

Tell Him - just how she sealed you - Cautious!

But - if He ask where you are hid

Until tomorrow - Happy letter!

Gesture Coquette - and shake your Head!

 

Thank you, Emily, for expressing in your singular and astonishing way the secrets of the human heart.





Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Two

Other than possible differences in punctuation, the quotes below are guaranteed by me to be accurate. They have been transcribed directly from the DVDs, and have been checked multiple times.

"Slow Tango in South Seattle"

MARTIN: (referring to a photograph)  Why is Maris wearing jodhpurs? She didn't start horseback riding, did she?

NILES: No. She wanted to take it up, but unfortunately her little quadriceps are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie.

***

MARTIN: Don't tell me this was going on during your  lessons, too?

NILES: No. You'll be relieved to know that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs, I was actually studying music.

 

"The Unkindest Cut of All"

NILES: Hope you don't mind my stopping by, but Maris is hosting the Women's League senior yoga group, and ... well ... old money in body stockings ... (shudders)

 

"The Matchmaker"

NILES: Dear God, Frasier—Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?

 

"Flour Child"

FRASIER: Get a hold of yourself, Niles!

NILES: I'm sorry; I only did this once before in medical school, and all I remember is a bright light and lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling toward my forehead.

WOMAN IN LABOR: You fainted?!

NILES: Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!

***

FRASIER: It's perfectly natural to have parental stirrings at your age.

NILES: Oh, no, this is more than stirrings. I wake up nights thinking about it.

FRASIER: Have you talked this over with Maris?

NILES: Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.

***

NILES: Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted, and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail.

***

FRASIER: Niles, what has happened to your "child"?

NILES: I was practicing my tai chi exercises this morning, and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.

FRASIER: He caught on fire?

NILES: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.

 

"Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye"

(ROZ is sucking the chocolate off of chocolate covered raisins and spitting the raisins into a cup.)

NILES: I see all those years of finishing school really paid off.

 

"The Candidate"

NILES: (quoting)  "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

FRASIER: Edmund Burke.

NILES: I have that quotation in a frame. I keep meaning to put it up in my office, but I never seem to get around to it.

***

NILES: You know, my wife Maris actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.

 

"Adventures in Paradise, Part I"

NILES: It is possible to move a relationship along too fast and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find a few years down the line that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person, someone who REALLY EXCITES you and makes you feel ALIVE, but you can't ACT upon it because you're TRAPPED in a STALE, albeit comfortable MARIS ... marriage. (beat)  I have to go now.

 

"Adventures in Paradise, Part II"

NILES: When's the happy occasion?

LILITH: Tomorrow, in Las Vegas.

NILES: Oh, Lilith, how delightfully kitschy! It's your second marriage, so you've decided to poke fun at the institution by getting married in the tackiest place you could possibly choose!

LILITH: Brian's family lives in Las Vegas. (beat)

NILES: (trying to be sincere)  Well, isn't that convenient. You'll have someone to show you the museums.

 

"Burying a Grudge"

NILES: (on the phone)  Yes ... yes, Maris, I'm sure .... No ... no, you can't gain weight from a glucose I. V. .... Well ... no, no, my little worrywart, there's no such thing as a NutraSweet drip.

***

NILES: Oh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.

FRASIER: Why?

NILES: Maris' doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible. So I slipped a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.

***

FRASIER: I finally got Dad and Artie Walsh talking again. Of course, I did have to resort to some cheap, manipulative, pseudo-psychology.

NILES: Always go to your strengths.

 

"Seat of Power"

NILES: When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.

FRASIER: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.

NILES: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Ms Parton can then finance a national tour, which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenage son to us for $150-an-hour therapy.

***

FRASIER: You know the expression "living well is the best revenge"?

NILES: It's a wonderful expression. I just don't know how true it is. You don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."

 

"Roz in the Doghouse"

NILES: Maris is unable to have pets. She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.

 

"Retirement is Murder"

FRASIER: Just imagine how excited Dad will be to go to a game with his two sons. My God, it's the archetypal male bonding ritual!

NILES: Couldn't we just go into the woods, kill something, and have done with it?

 

"You Scratch My Book ... "

NILES: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I was hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.

***

NILES: Watching the sport of kings, I see. Which horse did you wager on?

MARTIN: Joe's Dream, number eight.

NILES: Goodness. He seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist, approach to the race.

***

HONEY: I read a wonderful article you wrote in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine.  Let's see ... "Gestalt Therapy: Probing the Subconscious."

NILES: Yes! And I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo - "Is Your Guy a Stud or a Dud?"

***

FRASIER: I have to tell her I can't write the forward. Oh, Niles ... and I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection. Oh, Niles ... where, oh, where ... will I ever have the chance again to ... to gaze upon such extraordinarily proud and ... supple breasts?

NILES: (soberly)  Not to worry, brother. That's the manager's special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.

 

"The Show Where Sam Shows Up"

MARTIN: Hey, Niles, why didn't you bring Maris tonight?

NILES: I'm supposed to ask Maris to spend an evening with a baseball player? Why don't I just ask her to rub my shoulders?

***

NILES: Is it my imagination, or is Sam flirting with Daphne?

FRASIER: Well, of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everybody. He can't help it; he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting help for it in a support group.

NILES: (hearing Daphne giggle in the kitchen)  Did he miss a meeting?!

***

FRASIER: Oh, my God, I slept with that woman three months ago.

ROZ: You slept with her?

FRASIER: Yes.

NILES: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this??

***

FRASIER: Did you see how she ran out of here the minute she saw me?

NILES: Ah, yes. The trademark of all  your bed mates.

 

"Daphne's Room"

MARTIN: Well, when your mother would get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.

NILES: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae. She'd snap like a twig.

 

"The Club"

FRASIER: I don't think the membership committee would look kindly on your being arrested for mooning President Nixon at the campaign rally.

NILES: I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist.

***

FRASIER: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.

NILES: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

***

NILES: My only excuse is that all my life I have dreamed of belonging to an exclusive club like the Empire. Even as a child, when I formed clubs with my teddy bears, there were always two or three who didn't make the cut.

 

"Someone to Watch over Me"

FRASIER: It's not like I'm nominated for a Seebee every year. Oh, wait a minute -- yes, it is!

NILES: Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."

FRASIER: You just made that up, didn't you?

NILES: Yes, but I stand by it.

***

FRASIER: Dad, she's not a weirdo. She's just a woman who finds me utterly fascinating.

NILES: And the distinction would be ... ?

***

BODYGUARD: (to FRASIER)  By the way, Dr. Crane, I'll need to know your blood type, location of the nearest trauma center, and a list of any family member who'd be willing to donate organs.

NILES: Just so you know, Frasier, I have unusually small kidneys.

 

"Breaking the Ice"

NILES: What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

***

NILES: That was amazing! I've never felt so in touch with nature!

MARTIN: What happened?

NILES: For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors!

***

FRASIER: Want to know the reason I came up here? It was just to hear [Dad] say the words "I love you."

NILES: What?!

FRASIER: Yeah, well, you know, he ... he said it to Duke, he said to to Eddie. He's never said it to me.

NILES: Surely you don't put yourself up there with Eddie?

***

FRASIER: Well, I mean, you know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.

NILES: I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.

 

"An Affair to Forget"

NILES: I turned around, walked out of the house, got in the car and started driving.

FRASIER: Well, I'm glad you ended up here.

NILES: Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border check. I had fruit in the car, so I had to turn back.

***

FRASIER: You know, Niles, Maris may have temporarily succumbed to Gunnar's Teutonic charms, but in the end, I'm sure she'll choose the man who's intelligent and sensitive.

NILES: Oh, Frasier. That's just something we used to tell ourselves in chess club.

 

"Agents in America III"

(The morning after FRASIER and BEBE have spent the night together.)

FRASIER: All right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.

NILES: No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.

 

"The Innkeepers"

NILES: Well, instead of individual soufflés, make one large soufflé and dish the portions out at the table. When people hear the name Niles Crane, I want them to think "big soufflé."

 

"Dark Victory"

NILES: (enraged)  You spoke to a patient of mine today -- Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me!

FRASIER: Caroline was your patient? I ...

NILES: Two years of my hard work, wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions!

***

ROZ: I was in college. I was trying to find myself.

NILES: All you had to do was look under the nearest man.















Just 'Cuz I Love It

"The Reader"
Emily Bobovnikoff



Unrequited

It will not come to dust, of that I'm sure;
for now it is embalmed, eternally
suspended, like the mythic moth made pure
within its amber flame, whose worth will be
in death what quickening breath cannot convey.
Of little consequence, that I have paid
the price of heavy years, if it might stay
preserved forever.  Nature's hand has made
its gems from silent ends, and it will make
a million more, as long as loves may die
unrealized; and, grieving, it may slake
their thirst with resin tears in which they'll lie
as relics ever incorrupt.  What cost,
then, but the wood predestined to be lost?

First published (in slightly altered form) in Decanto
© Leticia Austria 2010

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season One



     This is a blog series, brought to you by possibly the most devoted  Frasier fanatic on the planet: yours truly. There are too many brilliant lines spoken by every character in the show, so I have limited this series to my favorite character, Niles, and will categorize the quotes by season and in episodic order, because I'm just obsessive-compulsive that way (like Niles). 
     It bothers me when I see things misquoted, so I have tried to be as accurate as possible in reproducing the quotes on this page, relying on what I hear on the DVDs and checking what I hear against the closed captions, which are, except in a relatively few instances, pretty faithful. I have the book The Frasier Scripts, which I've consulted whenever possible, but the book only covers seasons 1 through 6 and has only a few scripts from each of those seasons. Also, many lines in those chosen scripts were altered or cut completely before final filming. Some episodes were even renamed. So, on the whole, I've gone with what's on the DVDs.

 

Pilot: "The Good Son"

FRASIER:  Yes, yes, I know what you think about everything. When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?



NILES:  I'm having one now.



***



FRASIER:  Niles, I don't know how to thank you. I feel the overwhelming urge to hug you.



NILES:  Remember what Mom always said. A handshake is as good as a hug.



 

"Space Quest"

FRASIER:  Well, thanks for the chat, Niles. You're a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.

NILES:  You're a good brother, too. (long beat.)

 

"Dinner at Eight"

FRASIER:  Remember when you used to think that the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?

NILES:  Was I ever that young?

***

NILES:  But can we really get in? I've been trying for months.

FRASIER:  Oh, please, Niles. You're forgetting the cachet my name carries in this town.

NILES:  Actually, I'm not. If the maître d' happens to be a housewife, we're in.

***

NILES:  Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day, I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

***

NILES:  I'd like a petite filet mignon, very lean. Not so lean that it lacks flavor, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate; and I don't want it cooked, just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle—not true pink, but not a mauve, either—something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.

 

"I Hate Frasier Crane"

NILES:  Hello, I don't believe we've met.

ROZ:  Yes, we have, Niles. Three or four times. Roz Doyle.

NILES:  Oh, of course! It was at the, uh .... It was during the, uh .... Oh, well, I'm far too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet?



 

"Beloved Infidel"

FRASIER:  Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?!

NILES:  Frasier, your loyalties are seeping through. And I might point out that I got Mom's small features while you got Dad's chunky thighs.

 

"Selling Out"

NILES:  Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that  night. And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.

 

"Oops"

NILES:  I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

 

"The Crucible"

FRASIER:  I hate lawyers!

NILES:  Oh, me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better.
 



"Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast"

NILES:  Dad, I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining Maris and me Friday night. We're dying to try the new rib joint that's opened on Bellevue Way. I understand that if the onion rings aren't as big as your head, you get them for free.

 

"You Can't Tell a Crook by His Cover"

NILES:  Certainly playing fast and loose with his tips, for a man who drives a van.

***

FRASIER:  You know Dad—he's so judgmental.

NILES:  I know, and I've always condemned him for it.

***

FRASIER:  You're being irrational.

NILES:  Don't you dare call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!

***

NILES:  I'm not without resources. My tae kwon do instructor tells me I'm just two moves away from being quite threatening.

***

NILES:  Excuse me. Has a young woman been in here this evening, approximately five foot nine and three quarters, with skin the color of Devonshire cream, and the sort of eyes that gaze into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?





"A Midwinter Night's Dream"

NILES:  How could she like him? The man has community college written all over him.

 

"Give Him the Chair"

NILES:  (entering a showroom filled with recliners)  Dear God, Frasier, we've stumbled upon Hell's waiting room.

***

NILES:  (trying out a recliner with Swedish massage and shiatsu)  Ooohhh .... I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. I never knew that anything could. I want it.

FRASIER:  Right, Niles. I'm sure that it would fit right in with all of Maris' eighteenth-century antiques.

NILES:  Well, then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side.

 

"Fortysomething"

FRASIER:  (playing a Beethoven sonata on the piano) That's strange. For the life of me, I can't remember what the next note is. I know this piece backward and forward.

NILES:  Perhaps if you start at the end, you'll have better luck.

***

DAPHNE:  I learned a long time ago there are three questions you never answer honestly: "how old do I look," "do you like my hair," and "was it good for you, too." Coming, Dr. Crane? (beat)  Dr. Crane?

NILES:  I'm sorry, I was someplace else. (beat)  It was a warm and friendly place.

 

"Travels with Martin"

NILES:  Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day, the two of us tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out the window as the landscape whizzed by—I was thirteen before I realized cows aren't blurry.

***

NILES:  That's it—I'm going to be arrested.

DAPHNE:  We're all getting arrested.

NILES:  Yes, but I have delicate features. Prison will be hell for me.

 

"Author, Author"

NILES:  All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go to the library, go to the card catalogue, and see my name under "Mental Illness."

***

FRASIER:  Niles, I would shave my head for you.

NILES:  A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

***

FRASIER:  I do not have a fat face!

NILES:  Oh, please, I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter!

 

"Frasier Crane's Day Off"

NILES:  Hello. This is Dr. Niles Crane filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel fully qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today!

 

"My Coffee with Niles"

DAPHNE:  Well, at least someone appreciates my mother tongue.

NILES:  Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.

***

NILES:  Why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you find some beefy eastern European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?

FRASIER:  Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out.

NILES:  Frasier, I can't get her out of my mind. When I look at Daphne, she stirs a passion in me I've never known before.

***

ROZ:  But he pretended he was going to ask me out. Now, isn't there a commandment against that?

NILES:  No, they didn't go into dating until the New Testament.



Saturday at the Opera: In an Old Studio

I wrote this poem in 2009 as an homage to my coaching studio at Houston Grand Opera. The wonderful Joyce DiDonato (who knew my studio very well!) kindly published it a couple of years ago on her blog (I've since changed a couple of punctuations and added a break in the middle of the poem), so that is its credited "first appearance"—very appropriate, don't you think?

In an Old Studio

There used to be a piano in this room,
a mid-size grand, whose lid was always strewn
with scores of Verdi and Rossini. 
On the walls hung photos of the Tuscan hills,
a poster of a street in old Milan—
they've left their imprint, ghostly squares against
the graying of the years—and on this spot,
a music stand held up the legacy
of genius waiting to be issued forth
through chosen throats.
                                             Be still a minute. Listen.
Distant phrases of a long-lost life
will breathe across your brow and tell the tale
of striving for sublime exactitude,
of discipline and repetition, of
the just dissatisfaction with an end
that's less than art. Then close your eyes to touch
the keys that are no longer there, and you
will hear the splendor that was crafted in
this room, and leave it with the cadences
of ancient passions sighing in your soul.

© Leticia Austria 2009