Frasier Turns 20!

 

     You didn't think a truly devout Frasier fan would let this day go by without some kind of acknowledgement, did you?

     I've already written so many posts about my favorite TV series of all time, including My Favorite Frasier Episodes  and of course My Least Favorite Frasier Episodes, not to mention my series "Niles Crane's Greatest Lines" (link above), it would seem there wouldn't be anything left for me to write about—but there is, and I'll probably keep writing Frasier posts as long as there are Frasier fans. And when will there not be Frasier fans?

     For now, just a little something: while I love all the principal characters in the series, I certainly don't love them equally. It's no secret that Niles is by far my favorite and, I daresay, the favorite of many viewers. My reasons, besides my being a huge DHP fan, are outlined in this post.

     My second favorite is Eddie. Yes, I consider him to be a principal character, as eloquent and developed as any of the others. (I would also add that I think Moose, the first Eddie, was much more facially expressive and generally charismatic than the second Eddie, Enzo, who incidentally was Moose's son.)

 

Moose, the first "Eddie"

Enzo, Moose's son and successor

    

     My third favorite character is Marty. I love the way he mellows over the course of the show; I love his forthrightness, his no-nonsense approach to life, his down-to-earth charm, and the integrity that Frasier and Niles admire in him. Plus, he's funny as hell. 

     Tied for fourth are Daphne and Roz. I have to say, I like Daphne better in the earlier seasons, and a lot better before she and Niles get married. After their marriage, she seems to lose some effervescence and much of the adorable, ingenuous wackiness that won our hearts early on. I know she had to grow up, even more so than any of the other characters, because she started out (according to the producers' conception) in her late 20's and ended the series nearing 40. Everyone else in the show starts out in their 30's or older, already past that long maturity spurt which is our 20's. (At the start, Frasier is 40, Niles 36, Marty 63, and I think Roz is around 32.) Still, I find myself regretting a bit Daphne's acquired gravitas in seasons ten and eleven.

     Roz is one of those characters that most women like a lot. She's brassy, aggressive, wears her sexuality like a flashy blouse, and isn't afraid of anyone, including Frasier. If I were writing this post twenty years ago, I would have placed Roz ahead of Daphne without any hesitation. Now, however, my values and views have changed, and while I love Roz's humor and essential good-heartedness, I identify personally much more with Daphne. The early Daphne. Conversely, I like the later, post-pregnancy Roz much better than the early Roz. Like Marty, she mellows over the seasons without losing her humor.

     Ironically, the title character is my least favorite of the principals. That isn't to say I dislike him. It's only to say that he annoys me much, much more often than do the other characters. In fact, none of the other characters ever annoy me. There are many times when Frasier is unbearably self-centered and petty, and I just want to slap him. What I love most in him is his deep love for his father, and also for his brother (despite, or perhaps because of, their sibling rivalry). And he has afforded me one of my very favorite comic moments in the whole series—his unforgettable rendition of "Buttons and Bows."

 

     Oh, yes—the minor characters. Both Bebe and Bulldog had to grow on me. I started out not liking them at all, but now I appreciate them, Bebe because she's just a brilliant caricature portrayed by such a brilliant actress (Harriet Harris); and Bulldog redeemed himself in my eyes when he revealed himself to be a sucker for children and genuinely in love with Roz. Kenny is your stock "boob," and I like him as well.

     The one and only character I still wrestle with is Gil. Nothing against the fine Edward Hibbert; I just don't understand why Gil is there at all. And I find nothing really likable about him.

     At any rate—Frasier is twenty years old today, but it hasn't really aged at all. The writing is so good, the show and its unforgettable characters are still fresh, and will stay fresh for many more decades to come. It is television at its most excellent.

My Least Favorite Frasier Episodes

     Ah, you knew it was coming, didn't you? I'm such a creature of balance and symmetry, I just couldn't do a "favorites" post without following up with a "least favorites" post. Mind you, it isn't that I dislike these episodes (well, a few of them I really do dislike); it's that I don't find them very engaging, or I find Frasier to be particularly unbearable in them. Sometimes his ego and competitiveness get just downright annoying, and those are the episodes I skip altogether. I realize the point of those particular episodes is precisely to show that Frasier is flawed and that he does get his comeuppance, but they still bug me, and I'd rather skip them. 

Season One:

• "Can't Buy Me Love"  Frasier has a date with a model, but the model is called on assignment at the last minute. She leaves her tween-age daughter with Frasier since she can't find a babysitter on such short notice. It's the kid that bugs me. I skip this one completely.

Season Two:

• None. I like/love them all.

Season Three:

• "The Friend"  It is in this episode that Niles' age is revealed (38 in season three). Near the end of this season, Frasier celebrates his forty-third birthday; so they are about four and a half years apart in age. In an effort to make new friends, Frasier decides to meet one of his radio callers, who turns out to be wheelchair-ridden. Though it turns out they have nothing in common (in fact, the new friend becomes something of a nuisance), instead of respecting this person enough to be straight with him, Frasier is instead reluctant to break off the friendship because of his infirmity. His lack of honesty, of course, ends in public embarrassment.
• "The Focus Group"  Only one person out of a focus group of twelve says he doesn't like Frasier's show. When pressed for a reason, the man says, "I don't like him." Frasier's ego simply won't allow him to let that go; he pursues the man and hounds him for an explanation until Frasier accidentally sets the man's newsstand on fire.

Season Four:

• "Three Days of the Condo"  One of those I simply don't find engaging enough to watch. One of the other residents in Frasier's building persuades him to run for condo board president.

Season Five:

• "Frasier's Imaginary Friend"  One of my least favorite comic premises is where nobody believes a characters' story. Frasier has a romantic weekend in Acapulco with a super model and no one believes him. That's the whole thrust of the story. I don't know; I just find that basic premise really frustrating. I skip this one completely.
• "Beware of Greeks"  This is the episode in which Patti Lupone guests as the most annoying woman ever. Which is one of the reasons I don't like this one. Also, Martin suddenly has a brother with whom he hasn't spoken in years because of this annoying Greek woman he married. This is the only time we ever see or hear about Martin's brother; in fact, in "Author, Author" (season one), Martin clearly states that he never had a brother. Frankly, I think this kind of blatant inconsistency is unworthy of such a superlative series.
• "Bad Dog"  I'm not overly fond of Bulldog to begin with (however, I like Gill even less), but he's just downright unlikeable in this episode, taking credit for a good deed to cover his own cowardice.

Season Six:

• "The Seal Who Came to Dinner"  As far as pure farce goes, this one ain't my cup of tea. It's plain silly, and not even interestingly silly.

Season Seven:

• "Radio Wars"  I don't know, I just don't like storylines where someone's made a complete fool of. Even if that someone is Frasier.

Season Eight:

• "Docu.drama"  Roz gets to do a documentary about space. Frasier persuades her to let him narrate it, then he proceeds to take over the whole project. Roz fires him (yea, Roz!) and, much to Frasier's consternation, she hires Senator John Glenn to replace him. Frasier at his most insufferable.
• "Forgotten But Not Gone"  No, wait—this is Frasier at his most insufferable! Niles is re-elected, fair and square, as Cork Master of the wine club, and Frasier not only quits the club but does his best to undermine Niles and steal the allegiance of the club members. I definitely skip over this one.

Season Nine:

• "Sharing Kirby"  I'm just not fond of this episode, though it is amusing to see Niles' opulent library. Frasier tricks Niles into hiring Kirby, the son of a woman he dated, to reorganize Niles' library. Niles learns that one of Kirby's classmates is the granddaughter of a well-known wine connoisseur. The connoisseur consents to let one, only one, of the Crane brothers tour his exclusive wine vaults.
• "Wheels of Fortune"  The show where Michael Keaton guests as Lilith's unscrupulous brother. Don't like it, just don't like it. Skip.
• "Cheerful Goodbyes"  Maybe it's because I never watched Cheers. I don't mind the episodes where only one Cheers character comes to visit, but an episode devoted to almost the whole Cheers cast just doesn't appeal to me.

Season Ten:

• "Proxy Prexy"  Frasier wants to run for condo board president, but he knows he's not popular enough to win, so he persuades Martin to run so he can simply use him as a "front." But when Martin asserts his own authority as president, Frasier doesn't like it at all!
• "Kissing Cousins"  Roz's condescending younger cousin, a pain-in-the-neck know-it-all who trashes everything and everybody, comes to visit. The most unlikeable guest role in the entirety of the series. Skip!
• "Tales of the Crypt"  Prank-playing hijinks at the radio station. Not my cup of tea. Skip!
• "The Devil and Dr. Phil"  Yes, Dr. Phil appears briefly, but this is really a Bebe episode, and my least favorite of the lot.

Season Eleven:

• "The Doctor Is Out"  Doesn't appeal. Patrick Stewart guests as an opera director who thinks Frasier is gay and pursues him romantically. Skip.
• "Frasier Lite"  Team KACL and a team from another radio station do a series of appearances on a popular local TV show to see which team can lose the most collective weight. Meh. Even the subplot is meh—Niles and Martin attempting to nurse an injured pigeon.
• "The Ann Who Came to Dinner"  This one has the second most unlikeable guest role, Roz's insurance agent friend Ann, with whom Frasier has a spectacularly bad blind date in an earlier episode. In this one, Ann agrees to come to Frasier's apartment to evaluate it for insurance purposes, falls and breaks her leg, and Frasier, afraid of getting slapped with a lawsuit, takes her in. Needless to say, she overstays her welcome.
• "Detour"  There's nothing about this episode I really like, actually. Frasier and Charlotte (Laura Linney) are stranded on the road and have to stay with this creepy family, and Niles mistakes a candidate for his and Daphne's nanny position for a stripper—or was it a candidate for the physical therapist? I forget, because I seldom watch this one. Definitely not my favorite.

My Favorite Frasier Episodes

     The original title of this post was "My Top Ten Favorite Frasier Episodes"—then I thought, "Who am I kidding? I can't pick just ten!" Then I thought I'd try to choose two from each season. Nah. Doesn't work. Because there are some seasons I like much better than others. So I decided simply to choose my favorites from each season. I realize my choices are rather Niles-heavy. Are we surprised?

Season One:

• "Travels with Martin"  Frasier wants to take Martin on vacation, and Martin decides they should take a road trip in a Winnebago. Martin persuades Daphne to go with them to serve as a buffer between him and Frasier, and Frasier asks Niles to go for the same reason (but of course, Niles only decides to go because Daphne's going). Besides being very funny, I think I like it because of all the "togetherness."
• "My Coffee with Niles"  The writers of this one had a lot of chutzpah, writing an episode that a) takes place entirely in one setting, b) takes place in "real" time—aside from commercial breaks, there are no time lapses; and c) is nothing but conversation, and most of it with the characters sitting still. On paper, it sounds boring. But the conversation is so real, so engaging, so intelligently written and brilliantly acted, you feel like you're sitting right there with Frasier and Niles, listening to them just chat. And when Roz, Daphne, and Martin (and Eddie) stop by, it feels completely natural. By the time the episode ends, it's as if you've just spent twenty minutes having coffee with good friends.

Season Two:

• "Slow Tango in South Seattle"  A spoof on the novel Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend by Robert James Waller. Actually, it's more a spoof on his first, more famous novel, The Bridges of Madison County—the paraphrase of its opening sentence is just too pointed to miss. A best-selling author and former drinking buddy from Cheers has used an incident from Frasier's life as the plot of his phenomenally popular novel.
• "Flour Child"  Niles wants to be a father, so Frasier advises him to make a sort of trial run by carrying around a ten-pound bag of flour. Best line: "Last night I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted, and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail."
• "Seat of Power"  After a disastrous attempt to fix a toilet themselves, Frasier and Niles call a plumber. The plumber turns out to be Niles' old bully from school.
• "Breaking the Ice."  I just love this one. Niles and Frasier accompany Martin on an ice fishing trip, where they all bond. Very funny and touching.
• "An Affair to Forget"  Never get tired of that fencing scene. Absolutely brilliant, on so many levels—the ongoing gag of translating from English to Spanish to German is hysterical, and David Hyde Pierce demonstrates his genius at physical comedy. Of course, it helps that he really does know how to fence.

Season Three:

• "Moon Dance"  A Niles & Daphne classic, it has all the elements of the best romantic comedies.

Season Four:

• "Mixed Doubles"  Daphne dates a man who is eerily like Niles (except not nearly as cute). The final scene is especially bittersweet, with DHP giving one of his most touching performances.
• "Daphne Hates Sherry"  Okay, I admit I chose this one solely for the Niles-in-a-white-linen-shirt scene. The final scene with Frasier in the bathtub reminds me of a similar scene in an episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
• "Are You Being Served?"  Maris serves Niles with divorce papers. This episode contains the Hot & Foamy explosion scene.

Season Five:

• "The Maris Counselor"  As funny as this one is, you can't help being moved when DHP obviously tears up in the scene where Niles finally decides, once and for all, to divorce Maris.
• "Room Service"  Bravi tutti—Grammer, Neuwirth, and Pierce! What a treat to watch three great actors rip up the stage! And the whole idea of Niles sleeping with Lilith—talk about a disaster waiting to happen! However, the cherry on the comedy parfait is John Ducey's performance as the room service waiter. He steals it with just one word: "Okay."
• "First Date"  After trying and spectacularly failing to ask Daphne out, Niles pretends to have a date with a certain Phyllis, and Daphne helps prepare the meal. This is probably my favorite Niles & Daphne episode besides "Something Borrowed, Someone Blue." I like it even more than "Moon Dance." So sweet and funny.

Season Six:

• "I. Q."  Frasier and Niles at their conflicted best. Or worst. Funny, I don't much like the other "sibling rivalry" episodes, mainly because Frasier is so insufferable in them; but he's not so bad in this one. The restaurant scene is priceless. (And, actually, "Author, Author" from season two is not so Frasier-obnoxious.)
• "Visions of Daphne"  Unless I miss my guess, it was this episode, along with the now classic opening pantomime in "Three Valentines" (also from this season), that won DHP his third Emmy. From the scene where he learns of Daphne's possible engagement, to the scene with Daphne in his office, to the heart-rending moment when he witnesses Daphne accepting Donny's proposal, it's a bravura performance, one of his very best.
• The reason why I'm not including "Three Valentines" is that I only like it for the opening scene.

Season Seven:

• "Back Talk"  Frasier's back goes out, and under the influence of his painkillers, he inadvertently blurts out to Daphne that Niles is in love with her. I love the studio audience's reaction.
• "Something Borrowed, Someone Blue"  But of course. My favorite moment: when Simon interrupts Niles' confession to Daphne, Niles goes to close the door, then on his cross back to Daphne he gives her a look that is so beseeching .... It's a throwback to those old romantic movies, like An Affair to Remember and Now, Voyager. {*sniff-sniff*}

Season Eight:

• "And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon"  But of course! All through the first three-quarters of this season, it's kind of amusing to see how they coped with Jane Leeves' pregnancy. I thought it was handled very well.

Season Nine:

• "The First Temptation of Daphne"  Daphne is paranoid because one of Niles' patients is in love with him. The final scene is one of those scenes that prompt so many women on Twitter to write, "I wish someone loved me the way Niles loved Daphne." You'd be surprised how many women tweet that.

Season Ten:

• "Rooms with a View"  Probably the most serious episode in all of Frasier. This is the one where Niles has open heart surgery. Very fine performance from Jane Leeves.
• "Fathers and Sons"  I always thought that Charles Emerson Winchester III, the lovably pompous character on M*A*S*H, was the perfect forerunner of Frasier and Niles. Whoever cast David Ogden Stiers in the guest role in this episode obviously thought the same thing. Absolutely perfect casting of the character that Martin is afraid might be the real father of Frasier and Niles.

Season Eleven:

• "No Sex, Please, We're Skittish"  Niles and Daphne decide to get pregnant, but Niles finds out he has "slow sperm." Fortunately, Daphne has fast eggs.
• "Murder Most Maris"  Oh, Maris, Maris, they couldn't do the final season without you! My favorite part, of course, is Niles nearly having a nervous breakdown and stripping stark naked in the Nervosa Café.

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Eleven

All quotes have been lifted directly from the DVDs and checked thoroughly for accuracy.

"No Sex, Please, We're Skittish"

FRASIER:  Are you pregnant?
DAPHNE:  Not yet, but we're trying.
FRASIER:  Oh! Well, congratulations! You've got all the fertility software, and so forth?
NILES:  Of course; we're not animals.

"A Man, a Plan, and a Gal: Julia"

NILES: Frasier! What are you doing in the kitchen?
FRASIER:  You just asked to see me.
NILES:  Ah! So you haven't gone deaf.
FRASIER:  Why would I have gone deaf?
NILES:  Because that's the only good reason you sat there silently while our profession was assaulted like a drag queen at a tractor pull!

"The Doctor Is Out"

MARTIN:  That guy's not gay. You know how you can tell? The muscles.
NILES:  Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.

"The Babysitter"

NILES:  If you tortured that metaphor any more, you'd be before a tribunal in the Hague.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Oh, yeah, I remember Ronee. Pretty little thing, yeah. How's she looking these days?
NILES:  Had her eyes pulled so tight, she could land a role in Flower Drum Song.

++++++++

NILES:  What are you doing with Dad's Velveeta?
FRASIER:  What do think I'm doing with it? I'm gonna eat it.
NILES:  Okay, Frasier, this isn't funny anymore.
FRASIER:  Oh, my God. (taking something out of the Velveeta box)
NILES:  What is it?
FRASIER:  It's Viagra!
NILES:  They give that away with Velveeta?

"I'm Listening"

NILES: What are we looking for?
FRASIER:  My money clip. Have you seen it?
NILES:  Rarely.

++++++++

FRASIER:  I'm, uh, reciting "Annabel Lee" for the Poe Society this evening. I-I don't mind telling you, I'm just a bit nervous.
NILES:  Don't worry. Poe folk don't 'spect much.

"Murder Most Maris"

NILES:  I can't believe she could have planned this. You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in the room next to hers for fifteen years.

++++++++

MARTIN:  (looking at a newspaper photo) Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon?
NILES:  Uh, that is the experimental liposuction center in Gestaad. So, yes.

++++++++

NILES:  (turning off his cell phone) Oh, that was Maris. Poor thing lost her shoes. She put them outside her cell to be polished ... and someone named Big Judy is holding them for ransom.

++++++++

FRASIER:  That's the stuff, Niles! Doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest?
NILES:  Oh, stuff it, Mr. Malaprop! "Family spokesman." The Manson family should have a spokesman like you!

"Guns and Neuroses"

LILITH:  Daphne, Niles—congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
DAPHNE:  Thank you.
LILITH:  Do you know the sex?
NILES:  Do we! That's how we got pregnant!

"High Holidays"

NILES: I've decided to rebel tonight. Right under Dad's nose.
FRASIER:  How?
NILES:  You ready?
FRASIER:  Yes.
NILES:  You sure?
FRASIER:  Positive.
NILES:  Move your coffee; it might—
FRASIER:  Niles!
NILES:  I'm getting high on reefer.
FRASIER:  What?!
NILES:  I've waited for this all my life, Frasier—one act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And, of course, I'll have a nurse on speed dial in case things get too hairy.

+++++++++

FRASIER:  I judge from all this rich terminology that you've done some research.
NILES:  Yes, I know all the symptoms I can expect to experience. I'm especially looking forward to something called the "munchies" stage. It's where one enjoys bizarre food combinations. I'm thinking of pairing this Chilean sea bass with an aggressive zinfandel.

"Freudian Sleep"

NILES:  Well, I can see how that might disturb you,—
FRASIER:  Indeed.
NILES:  —a man of your intellect having such an obvious dream.
FRASIER:  I beg your pardon?
NILES:  Oh, come on. You're lonely, and you envy what I have. I was just hoping for something more complex; you know, a staircase leading nowhere, or ... Mom giving you a physical.

"Caught in the Act"

FRASIER:  The Gap, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there.
NILES:  I just discovered it. Apparently, there are a number of them.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she's in! The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from—from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn't it be heartless of me to deny myself to her?
NILES:  Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud, I couldn't hear.

"Boo!"

MARTIN:  Frasier, I wish you would stop coddling me. I know you're sorry and you didn't mean to give me a heart attack.
FRASIER:  Not a heart attack, Dad. A cardiac event. You know, maybe we can look on this as a sign that you should begin a healthier lifestyle. Perhaps one day we'll look back on this and you'll thank me for it.
NILES:  Oh, yes. Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier, like, "Now that I'm old and looking back, I thank you for my heart attack."

++++++++

FRASIER:  You know, I'm not ready to lose him, Niles.
NILES:  Me neither. And I don't want my child to miss knowing him. Who else is going to teach him to catch a football ball?

"Coots and Ladders"

RONEE:  You must be drunk in this picture, Niles. You've got your arm around a floor lamp.
NILES:  Oh, no, that's Maris in her Easter hat.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Admit it, Niles. It's intoxicating, isn't it? Can't you feel a tingle running down your spine?
NILES:  In a minute it's going to be running down my inseam. Hurry up.

"Miss Right Now"

 

FRASIER:  I can't stop thinking about this woman I've met. It's my matchmaker, of all people.
NILES:  Well, now, do you get a discount if the matchmaker sets you up with herself? Sort of a ... floor model sort of thing?

"And Frasier Makes Three"

NILES:  I thought you said she has a boyfriend. This environmentalist fellow.
FRASIER:  Yes. Frank.
NILES:  Well, so— (to the waiter) Thank you. (to FRASIER) What's your plan to get around him?
FRASIER:  I'm merely going to present myself as the anti-Frank.
NILES:  Ah. So you're going to be not rugged and not handsome.

"Goodnight, Seattle"

NILES:  The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy.
FRASIER:  Now, Niles, just remember those hardy Crane genes are in there, too.
NILES:  Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Ronee, the boys think they can throw a fancy wedding together by May 15th.
RONEE:  But that's in eight days.
NILES:  Well, it only took us four days to throw together our seafood-themed "Friends of the Marina Bouilla-bash."

++++++++

NILES:  That is so funny—I've been worried he's going to turn out like one of your brothers. I was sure when he kicked that speaker off your belly that you had a little Simon in there.
DAPHNE:  They are a handful, my brothers. I can just imagine the hell they're raising back there.
NILES:  With an open bar?
DAPHNE:  (gasping)  Oh, my God. My water just broke. The baby's coming!
NILES:  Because I said "open bar" ?!

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Ten

All quotes were lifted directly from the DVDs and checked multiple times for accuracy.

"The Ring Cycle"

DAPHNE :  Well, I'd better go and figure out what to pack for the honeymoon!
NILES :  I'm just bringing sunscreen.

"Enemy at the Gate"

ANGRY MAN :  Only rich people have time for this kind of crap! Just pay the two bucks, Mr. B.M.W.!
FRASIER :  My income and the style of car which I drive are irrelevant. Isn't that so, Niles?
NILES :  Yes. I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.

"Room with a View"

NILES :  (groggily)  Oh, now, Daphne—you know all the important papers are in my top left-hand drawer—
DAPHNE :  Let's not talk about that right now. You just relax.
NILES :  Okay, Daphne. You know, Daphne—they do these procedures hundreds of times.
DAPHNE :  I know.
NILES :  Okay. It's practically routine, Daphne.
DAPHNE :  Why do you keep saying my name?
NILES :  I just want to say it as many times as I can. Daphne.

"Don't Go Breaking My Heart"

NILES :  Did you hear what the conductor did to the Andante? I just hope he bought it dinner first.

++++++++

DAPHNE :  What happened? Are you all right?
NILES :  (out of breath)  Yes ... I just jumped into bed with your mother.
DAPHNE :  Oh, dear. No wonder she screamed.
NILES :  That wasn't her.

"We Two Kings"

NILES :  We were hoping to borrow your wassail bowl.
FRASIER :  Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. I've already loaned it to Lawrence Emerson and his madrigal caroling group.
NILES :  Well, you can kiss that bowl goodbye. Frasier, the YuleTones are the bad boys of Renaissance Christmas music.

"Door Jam"

NILES :  I think I'll have the aroma therapy Swedish.
FRASIER :  Oh, Niles—look at this bounty. Take a risk! Be a man!
NILES :  The chardonnay rose hips salt glow?

"The Harrassed"

NILES :  I was hoping to come here and complain about my office remodel. I'm annexing the dermatologist's office next door, and in a cheap irony, my skin is breaking out.
FRASIER :  Ah, your spackle allergy again?
NILES :  I'm covered with tiny bumps. It's worse than the summer we added the breakfast nook to the treehouse.

"Kenny on the Couch"

DAPHNE :  If you want to learn yoga, why do we need some fancy private teacher? There are classes we could take together down at the Y.
NILES :  Yes, and afterwards, there are anti-fungal lotions we can use together, too.

++++++++

NILES :  You're seeing patients again?
FRASIER :  Well, just this one for the last three weeks. Very challenging case, too. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses, and a phobia or two.
NILES :  Sounds to me like you've hit the crackpot!

"Roe to Perdition"

FRASIER :  (holding a jar of Baluga caviar)  You really must try this, Niles.
NILES :  (tasting a spoonful)  It's like being kissed by a lusty mermaid!

"Some Assembly Required"

DAPHNE :  (to MARTIN, furious) Well, I told [Mum] we will not tolerate this inconsiderate behavior anymore! If she wants to be part of this household, she has to get off her lazy bum and help out around the house! How did I put it, Niles?
NILES :  I couldn't hear you; I was in the panic room. But you looked very forceful on the monitor.

++++++++

NILES :  Dad, are you sure you want to do this? I spoke at a Career Day once.  It was a disaster—all the taunting and yelling. I haven't been so afraid of third graders since ninth grade.

++++++++

NILES :  (to an assembly of fourth graders)  Is influenza cool? Is scarlet fever cool? Do you have any idea how many germs there are on just one finger? Yes, that finger, for example.

"Farewell, Nervosa"

NILES :  (apprasing the decor of a new café)  Well, they found a way to bring the charm of an airport to a midtown location.

"The Devil and Dr. Phil"

NILES :  I think I've figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the apocalypse.

"Fathers and Sons"

NILES :  (to DAPHNE over the phone)  Okay, so "Delilah" is out? No, no, that's fine, that's fine. What are your ideas? ... Taylor ... uh-huh ... Fletcher ... Cooper ... Tanner .... Where are you getting these, The Big Book of Medieval Professions ?

"Analyzed Kiss"

FRASIER :  A gun show? What's next, square dancing?
NILES :  Maybe. This country was built by gun-totin' square dancers.

++++++++

NILES :  Oh, I can't believe you two. You're always telling me my friends are too artsy and too snooty. Now I finally have friends who are regular guys, and you don't like them, either? Well, I'm having a good time, and I'm enjoying being a regular guy myself.
MARTIN :  Niles, we think they want to overthrow the government.
NILES :  That's what you say about public television.

"A New Position for Roz"

NILES :  (to GERTRUDE )  We've decided to start trying to get pregnant.
GERTRUDE :  (snidely)  Oh, well, I'm glad you think you can. I was beginning to think there might be something wrong with your equipment, Niles.
NILES :  Oh, were you? Well here's more news: you're out of the house, so pack your bags and find another sucker.

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Nine

All quotes were lifted from the DVDs and have been checked multiple times for accuracy.

"Don Juan in Hell"

NILES:  Gone is the citified dandy of just last week! In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed Dionysus, a lusty, insatiable—ooh, scones.

++++++++

NILES: (to DAPHNE )  Roz told me about this wonderful nude beach. So I went down there this morning to check it out for us. It was so peaceful, I decided to do my sunrise tai-chi, have my naked body caressed by the rosy fingers of the new dawn, you know.
MARTIN:  Aw, geez ...
NILES:  Well, I left my clothing and my cares in the car, walked down to the beach and settled in for my first exercise, "Grasping the Bird's Tail." Just at that moment, the sun peaked over the mountain tops, illuminating not only my splendid nakedness, but the bus for the Christian Women's Society.
MARTIN:  They went to a nude beach?
NILES:  No, and neither did I. The next few minutes were a blur as I zigzagged my way back to the car while being pelted with driftwood and bibles. Needless to say, "Island Niles" died on that beach.
DAPHNE:  Oh, honey ... will he ever be back?
NILES:  Maybe at Christmas.

"The First Temptation of Daphne"

NILES:  (trying to contain his anger)  You have violated this person's privacy. If she found out, they could suspend my license—
DAPHNE:  (crying)  I'm so sorry—
NILES:  —and you—don't—trust me. How could you possibly think there could be somebody else?
DAPHNE:  Because I  was somebody else.
NILES:  What?
DAPHNE:  You were married to two other women while you claimed to have been in love with me. Now that we're together, how can I be sure, really sure, that there won't ever be another "somebody else"?
NILES:  Because I would never—  (He looks at DAPHNE and sees the pain and doubt in her eyes. He moves towards her and continues gently.) Because this time it's different. Our love is different. It's not based on somebody's expectations, or—or anything I'm supposed to be. When I was with Maris or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you. Going about my day, or—even when I was in a session—I found myself thinking about you. Well, now we're together. I find myself thinking about you. It's not going to stop. (DAPHNE puts her arms around him and they embrace) I'm still mad at you.
DAPHNE: (smiling to herself ) I know.

"Love Stinks"

FRASIER:  Niles—do you think I'm elitist?
NILES:  (soothingly) Of course I do; you needn't worry about that.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Oh, look! A picture of you in your first Little League uniform. (beat ) Don't know why I said "first."
DAPHNE:  (to NILES ) Was that your game face?
NILES:  Oh, no, no, I-I just lost a tooth due to an errant pitch.
MARTIN:  Tell her who was pitching.
NILES:  (sheepishly) I was.

"Bla-Z-Boy"

FRASIER:  (to NILES, referring to MARTIN ) Ever since our so-called anniversary, he keeps insisting on—
NILES:  Whoa, whoa, whoa—what does your anniversary have to do with this?
FRASIER:  Well, I guess it just set me off. It was as though everyone was saying that ... the only significant relationship I'll ever have again is with my father.
NILES:  So you're not mad at Dad. You're just mad he isn't a woman.

"The Two-Hundredth Episode"

NILES:  Do you know you have your pajamas on backwards?
FRASIER:  Another delightful quirk of mine.
NILES:  Not from where I'm sitting.

"Bully for Martin"

FRASIER:  I mean, after all, this is a man who served his country in Korea, who had a distinguished career as a detective, and yet he is being treated the way you would treat a-a grocery store bag boy.
NILES:  What does that  mean?
FRASIER:  Oh, don't you play coy with me, just because Daphne's here. I have seen you when your avocadoes are packed under your ice cream!
NILES:  Excuse me! That young man was on drugs, and everyone in the store knew it.

++++++++

FRASIER:  It's just that all our lives, Dad's been the guy in charge. I just hate to see him powerless like this.
NILES:  Well, how can you call him powerless? The minute you saw him, you ran into a storage closet.
FRASIER:  That's true.
NILES:  You're a grown man. You're still scared of him?
FRASIER:  Well, you're a grown man; you're still scared of him.
NILES:  Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
FRASIER:  Shut up.

"Mother Load, Part One"

DAPHNE:  Where are we supposed to put all this? I cleared out two drawers. This would fill two closets.
NILES:  Well, we said we'd both bring whatever we needed for any eventuality.
DAPHNE:  Isn't there anything you can leave behind?
NILES:  I don't see how. I have formal, semi-formal, déshabille, wet weather, cold weather, cloudy. I mean, if there's something here you find excessive, jump right in.

"Juvenalia"

ROZ:  First of all, enough with the earrings. Everything doesn't have to be so fancy. Don't get me wrong—jewelry is terrific, but sometimes a woman likes to know that you're paying attention. Mix it up a little. Do something crazy—I mean, totally  out there.
NILES:  Are you talking about scarves?
ROZ:  Okay, let me give you an example. When I was twenty, my boyfriend stole a Doyle's Pub sign for me. We were drunk, and we saw it, and he said, "Hey that's your name on that sign. You should have it." It was spontaneous, and a little dangerous. And very romantic.
NILES:  Spontaneous. And dangerous.  Thanks, Roz. You've given me something to mull over during my herbal wrap.

"The Proposal"

NILES:  I'm afraid I've poured so much emotion into this speech, I don't know if I can say it all without crying.
ROZ:  Oh, that's okay. Women like a man who isn't afraid to shed a few tears.
NILES:  Last time I got all the way through it, I got dehydrated.

++++++++

(FRASIER has just found out that his mother was pregnant with him when she married Martin.)

FRASIER:  Niles, how can you change the subject after this bombshell?! (NILES is silent) You knew?

NILES:  Well ... remember that time I had the chicken pox? Mom told me, to cheer me up.

++++++++

NILES:  Daphne Moon ... will you ... and your beautiful toes ... and your exquisite ankles ... and your precious knees, elbows, and arms, and fingers, and shoulders ... will you marry me?

"War of the Words"

FREDDY:  Uncle Niles, is it true that you walked offstage on the last word of the National Bee?
NILES:  Now, where did you hear that?
FREDDY:  Dad and Grandpa. They said you were one of the best.
NILES:  Well, they exaggerate.
FREDDY:  They said you were just as good as somebody named Kerek.
NILES:  Just  as good? (smiles and shakes his head, bemused) Funny. (beat) Anyway—the story is true. I've never talked about it before, but ... I will, since you also have the "gift." Have a seat. (FREDDY sits down. NILES brings over a stool and sits next to him.) I was, uh, a little younger than you. I'd been winning numerous competitions, but, uh ... I was obsessed with one thing, and one thing only: the National Championship. The time finally came, and there I was, standing on that stage, waiting for the judge to say the final word ... and suddenly, it happened. It all clicked, all the rules—"i" before "e," assimilations, etymologies.They all became one ... and then, became nothing. At that moment, I realized there was no word I couldn't spell. Competitions didn't matter anymore, because I was one with the higher truth that is Spelling. So when the judge said that last word, I simply walked away.
FREDDY:  Didn't you care what people said?
NILES:  Oh, people said a lot of things that weren't true. "He didn't know the word." "He was scared." "Mafia this." No, didn't bother me. 'Cause they couldn't take away what I knew in my heart. You know how to spell. And it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

++++++++

SPELLING BEE FATHER:  (referring to Freddy) You don't have to worry about ever seeing him again, son. Chances are, he'll end up in a state school.

(NILES, FRASIER, and FREDDY turn to face him, enraged)

NILES:  How dare you! (to FREDDY ) Can you take him?
FREDDY:  Yeah.
NILES:  Then spell his ass off !

"Frasier Has Spokane"

NILES:  (to DAPHNE ) Maybe later we'll try out my "Wagner for Lovers" CD.

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Eight

All quotes were lifted from the DVDs and have been thoroughly checked for accuracy.

"The Dish Ran Away with the Spoon"

DAPHNE:  What's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an ex-fiancé, a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
NILES:  Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.
DAPHNE:  Then there's Canada. A fresh start, a chance for adventure.
NILES:  Grizzly bears.

+++++

MEL:  Here's the watch I was going to give you as wedding gift. Please wear it when we're together.
NILES:  It's, uh— (sees something engraved on the watch)
MEL:  Yes, it said "Forever yours." I-I scratched it out with a screwdriver.
NILES:  There's something else crudely carved here, but .... Ah. Well. At least you were able to use that "F" from "Forever."

+++++

NILES:  Pigeons? I don't like pigeons. They have no respect for public art.

"The Bad Son"

DAPHNE:  How are you holding up? Is that spider still around?
NILES:  Oh, I think he's realized he's more afraid of me than I am of him. (panicked) He's not in his corner! He's not in his corner!

"The Great Crane Robbery"

NILES:  Daphne, I know it's difficult. But once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want—Paris, Florence, Rio—
DAPHNE:  How about my room, to fold laundry?
NILES:  I hear it's lovely this time of year.

+++++

MEL:  At the intermission, invariably, some board member will come over to say hello, and I want you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him.
NILES:  That is unthinkable! I have a reputation in this town, and nothing will make me behave that way.
MEL:  Well, it looks like we're going to be married for a long, long time.
NILES:  (taking a moment to consider, then coolly)  I'll see you at Schwanda der Dudelsackpfeiffer.

"Taking Liberties"

FERGUSON:  Sherry, Dr. Crane?
NILES:  Oh, thank you, Ferguson, but even as we speak I have a bottle of Veuve Cliquot chilling in my apartment, and you know the old caution: "Champagne after sherry makes tummy grow wary!"

"The Friend"

MARTIN:  Hope Eddie wasn't a lot of trouble.
NILES:  Please, Dad, he was the perfect houseguest.
MARTIN:  Well, give me the details. Did he eat?
NILES:  Oh, like a horse!
MARTIN:  Slept well?
NILES:  Like a log!
MARTIN:  Was he regular?
NILES:  We're done here, Dad.

"Cranes Unplugged"

DAPHNE:  You always smell so masculine after you've finished exercising.
NILES:  Oh. (suavely)  It's the mango-kiwi shower gel.

"Motor Skills"

FRASIER:  Now, now, ladies—Niles and I are no strangers to the automobile. Niles, let's have a look. I'll pop the hood.
NILES:  That won't void the warranty, will it?

+++++

FRASIER:  We became back row hooligans, Niles. The very students we hated back in school.
NILES:  I always thought they were just mean. Now I realize they were simply acting out of frustration.
FRASIER:  So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you. He was mad at Pythagoras.
NILES:  Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.

"Hooping Cranes"

FRASIER:  Gosh, Niles, you making that basket tonight was truly astonishing. And what's even more unbelievable is that you are now the proud owner of a rugged, ram-tough, all-terrain pickup truck!
NILES:  It occurred to me we could use it to go antique-ing.

"Daphne Returns"

PATIENT:  So you don't think I have a germ phobia?
NILES:  Not at all. Just a healthy sense of personal hygiene. Ah— (handing the patient a card)  Here is the number of the man who cleans my telephones.

+++++

NILES:  Actually, wait, Daphne. I-I'm gonna pass on dinner.
DAPHNE:  Oh, it's no trouble.
NILES:  No, I know. It's just that ... I don't really care for your cooking.
DAPHNE:  What?
NILES:  Well ... you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking—at all. Bad, bad cook!

+++++

NILES:  Well, then I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know, and by the way, neither can you!
DAPHNE:  Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?
NILES:  Not if you thought I loved your cooking!

+++++

FRASIER:  So how are things with you and Daphne, hm?

(NILES  only smiles)

FRASIER:  (to the waiter) Thank you. (beat) Niles, is everything okay?

(NILES merely looks at him, still smiling)

FRASIER:  (with the light of understanding) Ah.
NILES:  You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I imagined it.

"Semi-Decent Proposal / A Passing Fancy"

NILES:  You know, if anyone's technologically challenged, it's you.
FRASIER:  (to CLAIRE ) He's a bit defensive.

(FRASIER says something to CLAIRE in German, to which she responds in German) 

NILES:  You thought your CD-Rom drive was a cup holder.

(CLAIRE  moves away)

FRASIER:  Thanks a lot! I was interested in her!

NILES:  Well, how was I supposed to know?

FRASIER:  I was speaking German.

NILES:  Oh, yes. The language of love.



Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Seven

All quotes were taken directly from the DVDs and have been checked thoroughly for accuracy.

"Momma Mia"

NILES:  That's not graffiti, Dad; that's a Latin pun: "Semper ubi, sub ubi "—"Always where under where."

"Father of the Bride"

NILES:  Last night after dinner, I dropped her home with nothing more than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight may proceed to hand holding, and if all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Niles, it's about Sabrina. (beat) She's a prostitute.
NILES: Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Does Sabrina laugh at everything you say? Is she fascinated  by everything about you—even your collections?
NILES:  Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely seen collection of eighteenth-century Portuguese bud vases.
FRASIER:  And how did she react?
NILES:  Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and, oh, my God, I'm dating a whore.

"Radio Wars"

DAPHNE:  Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crèpe pans seasoned, anyway?
NILES:  It can be confusing, but this may help: "Saucepans in summer, crèpe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for us all."

++++++++

NILES:  Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?
FRASIER: That was you? I'm sorry Niles. I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
NILES: (beat) How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Great. That's fine. Admire him if you want, but did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? I mean, you were just begging  to get beat up.
FRASIER:  Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
NILES: I remember getting a chin strap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.

"Everyone's a Critic"

NILES:  The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there, too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed, until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."
FRASIER:  I assume you pounced.
NILES: Like a ninja!

++++++++

NILES:  Well, I wish you had lent her your Tennessee Williams biography. She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him Indiana Jones.

"The Late Dr. Crane"

FRASIER:  Carbuncle?  You mean that miniscule mole of yours?
NILES:  Well, to you.  I've always been self-conscious about it. I-I've made many a hasty wine selection because I felt the sommelier staring down.

"The Apparent Trap"

FRASIER:  (to NILES and LILITH ) You're willing to throw all that away because of one ill-considered night of passion? It happened! Take from it what you can learn. Move on.
NILES:  Well—I learned if you kiss her too fast, you get an ice-cream headache.

++++++++

DAPHNE:  Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
NILES:  Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

++++++++

NILES:  What's this about?
LILITH:  Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over, and now I'm beginning to think maybe it's not.
NILES:  Usually, in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't.

"The Fight before Christmas"

NILES:  (coming out of the elevator and seeing ROZ and DAPHNE standing together in the hall ) Well, there's a Christmas tableau: Naughty and Nice.

++++++++

NILES:  It seems our old gardener has passed away unexpectedly.
FRASIER:  Oh, not Yoshi. Gosh, that's too bad.
NILES:  Yeah. He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris' elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never had a chance.

++++++++

NILES:  Maris and Yoshi were very close. In fact, I remember he once made a topiary likeness of her, and wept without shame when it developed root rot.

"RDWRER"

MARTIN:  Oh ... you're not good with big cars, Niles. Remember when I tried to teach you to drive my Le Sabre? You kept panicking and pulling on the emergency brake.
NILES:  Well, it's a good thing I did. Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down.

++++++++

MARTIN:  I wonder if you can still get "sticky shingles" here.
NILES:  One look at the salad bar says yes.

"They're Playing Our Song"

DAPHNE:  You see, this water traps all the dirt particles instead of recycling them back into the air. I got all that just from Dr. Crane's pillow. (indicating the dirty water)
MARTIN:  Eeew!
NILES:  (to FRASIER ) I've been begging  you to switch to a more abrasive loofah.

"Big Crane on Campus"

FRASIER:  I tried to ask her out and I choked. I did get the impression that she was interested in me, though.
NILES:  Well, of course she is. Oh, and the coach called. You're starting the big game on Sunday.

++++++++

NILES:  Cooking a meal for one's mate is a big first step.
FRASIER:  Yes, especially for you. I mean, Maris never let you cook for her.
NILES:  Mm, that's true. The closest I ever got was restocking the pills in her bedside lazy Susan.

"Out with Dad"

NILES:  May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers, and the stage swarming with standbys!

"Whine Club"

FRASIER:  Well, Niles, it's the moment of truth. Don't choke.
NILES:  Please. Prepare to be stomped like a late-harvest Gewurtztraminer.

"Hot Pursuit"

MARTIN:  (opening his thermos) This is clam chowder!
NILES:  Well, what did you expect?
MARTIN:  Irish whiskey! Your mother always filled it with coffee and Irish whiskey. We just called it "clam chowder" in front of you kids.
NILES:  Is that why you got so mad that day I crumbled oyster crackers in your thermos?

"Morning Becomes Entertainment"

BEBE:  (taking out a cigarette) May I?
FRASIER:  On the balcony, if you don't mind.
BEBE:  Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues of TV's newest sensation! By this time next week—
NILES:  You heard him; if you're going to blow smoke, do it on the balcony.

"The Three Faces of Frasier"

FRASIER: You know, if I were you, I would be careful about bandying about the word "vain," Mr. Two-Hundred-and-Fifty-Dollar Haircut.
NILES: I have problem follicles.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Now, you'd better finish your lasagna. You don't want to offend Stefano.
NILES:  Offend him? So far tonight, I have had the prosciutto di Parma, the pesto Genovese, and the Venetian sea bass. One more bite, and we'll conclude our little tour of Italy with my impression of Pompeii.

"Something Borrowed, Someone Blue"

DAPHNE:  So, you brought me something, Roz?
ROZ:  Well, yeah, I figured you can't get married without wearing something borrowed. (hands DAPHNE a gift box)
DAPHNE:  (opening the box) Oh, what a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail.
NILES:  I especially like the little odometer.

++++++++

ROZ:  Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I've dated?
NILES:  I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetops.

++++++++

NILES:  Daphne—take it from someone who knows. You don't want to spend half your life thinking about a chance you didn't take.

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Six

In season six, the character of Niles acquires new depth; the writers give him more moments of pathos, not only in his love for Daphne, but in all his relationships. We find him more affectionately tolerant of Frasier's shortcomings and more solicitous of Martin. Even his jibes at Roz's expense become increasingly good-natured in tone and delivery as their friendship solidifies. Consequently, Niles is given fewer "zingers" to say, but the characters around him are more vocal about his actions and situation. All of this only strengthens an already strong and vivid character, giving the viewer even more reason to like him and sympathize with him.

 

Again, all quotes are taken directly from the DVDs and checked multiple times for accuracy.

"Good Grief"

FRASIER: Oh, you're just in time! I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
MARTIN: Here?
NILES: Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

++++++++

NERDY FAN: It's cool, isn't it, your brother having his own club?
NILES: (looking at him askance)  Yeah, well ... seeing all of you, I sort of wish I had a club myself.

"Frasier's Curse"

FRASIER: Niles, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice. I swear, I'm in full-blown crisis.
NILES: Well, if you're talking about that garish belt, I have emergency suspenders in my car.

++++++++

FRASIER: Daphne, will you assist me, please? This is my school newsletter.
DAPHNE: The Bryce Academy Crier.
NILES: Which, coincidentally, was Frasier's nickname his first year there.

"Dial 'M' for Martin"

MARTIN: Hey, Niles.
ROZ: Hi, Niles.
NILES: Hello. I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
ROZ: Yeah, Niles. We just eloped. I'm your new mom.
NILES: (heartily)  Well! I'll be a son of a bitch.

"How to Bury a Millionaire"

NILES: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
FRASIER: Well, what do your lawyers tell you?
NILES: Well, mostly, my salary isn't even covering my legal bills.

++++++++

NILES: I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's barely tolerable having  a price range.

++++++++

LANDLORD: And we've got a rec room, too. And did you see the hot tub?
NILES: If you're referring to that six-man Petri dish, yes.

"The Seal Who Came to Dinner"

NILES: If my life gets any worse, I'm phoning Hell to ask about their exchange program.

++++++++

MARTIN: And besides, who else is gonna loan you their place? It's not like you can ask Maris.
NILES: I don't have to ask her. She's out of the country. She's in Antwerp having her elbows done. She has that stunning beach house! I'm sure I can get past the alarm!
MARTIN: Isn't that breaking and entering?
NILES: Oh, pish. It can't be a crime if it's catered.

"Roz, a Loan"

FRASIER: Birdwell's? My God, isn't that a little pricey?
NILES: I'll say. It's Maris' favorite store. They give points for every dollar you spend there. One year, she got enough to have Tony Bennett come to our house and sing.

++++++++

NILES: I should go. I want to get down to the spa before Dad. He may bridle when the front desk clerk asks him if he prefers a man or a woman.

++++++++

FRASIER: All right, how bad was it?
NILES: Mortifying. First of all, he refused to go nude, even in the private rooms.
FRASIER: Well, Niles, don't forget Dad is of a different generation.
NILES: Wearing socks and underpants and carrying a wallet into a mudbath is not a generational issue. If you ever hear me offer to take Dad to a spa again, wash out my mouth with jug  wine.

"Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz"

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the next ten nights? Because my—
NILES: Yes. (beat)  Excuse me, finish the question.

"Our Parents, Ourselves"

NILES: (feigning enthusiasm)  The Super Bowl and  a date. Hot diggity.
BONNIE: Well, come here, you're just in time for my specialty.
NILES: Well, how— (BONNIE stuffs a meat-laden cracker in his mouth)  Mm. Mmm ...! Isn't that interesting. Something formerly ham.

"The Show where Woody Shows Up"

NILES: Well, if it's "raucous" you're looking for, we could go and get a night cap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel. It's Jerome Kern night. Last time, people were shouting out requests without raising their hands!

"Three Valentines"

One of Niles' most memorable scenes has almost no spoken lines whatever; but somehow, it just didn't seem right not to include it here. This is Pierce at his comedic genius best.

 

"To Tell the Truth"

 

FRASIER: Well, the office seems nice enough. Might have overdone it on the plants a little, but ...

NILES: Yes. It's excess like this that's destroying the plastic rain forest.

++++++++

NILES: Oh ...! University of Las Vegas. No problem finding tassels for those  mortar boards.

++++++++

FRASIER: Niles, you have got to hear this man out. I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer—someone who's not afraid to show a little moxie.

NILES: Oh, he's an inch away from showing us the full  moxie!

++++++++

NILES: Urinal cakes?! I don't believe this! All these years ... the doyenne of Seattle's elite, looking down her nose at everyone in sight. She owes it all to this. (beat)  She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it, too.

 

"Decoys"

 

NILES: Obviously, you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.

ROZ: Well, sure, I have.

NILES: I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season.

++++++++

NILES: Yes! Yes! Yes, I want Daphne! I think we belong together, just like I think you and Donny belong together, and why should two people be happy, when four people can be ecstatic?

 

"Dinner Party"

 

DAPHNE: Who knows, Roz? Maybe you'll meet some English lord who'll make you a Lady.

NILES: I think at this point it would take the actual  Lord to make her a lady.

++++++++

ROZ: Could you two please leave, so Daphne can change?

NILES: Daphne, you're not actually going out in that,  are you?

DAPHNE: That's it. I'm staying home.

ROZ: No! Just try it. We can accessorize it.

NILES: With what? A lamp post and a public defender?

 

"Taps at the Montana"

 

WOMAN: You must tell us all about your African tour, Dr. Crane.

MAN: Yes. Did the local people actually enjoy your lectures?

NILES: Well, yes, quite a bit. Uh, except, of course, for the pygmies. Most of it went right over their heads.

 

"I. Q."

 

DAPHNE: I'm chatting online with Donny. (computer chimes)  Oh, what's he saying?

NILES: Uh— (reading)  "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet." (beat)  Apparently, he has some sort of typing impediment.

++++++++

FRASIER: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Niles; [Mom] adored you. Don't you remember the time you lost your tricycle? She actually took mine away from me and gave it to you.

NILES: Well, that was for your own good. No eight-year-old should be riding a tricycle.

 

"Dr. Nora"

 

NILES: Hey, Dad. You probably noticed I shaved my moustache. I decided a better way to change my look was to pump some iron.

MARTIN: Oh. So, what, you joined a gym?

NILES: I certainly did. I start the minute my weight belt gets back from the monogrammers.

 

"Visions of Daphne"

 

One of Pierce's most moving performances in all of  Frasier was as the heartbroken Niles witnessing Daphne's engagement to Donny. I feel certain it was this episode, along with his brilliant pantomime in "Three Valentines," that won him his third Emmy. (His first two were for the second and fifth seasons; his fourth was for the final season.)

 

"Shut Out in Seattle"

 

BONNIE: I was at the Super Bowl, remember? I brought the ham loaf.

NILES: Oh, who could forget?

FRASIER: We talked about it long after.

NILES: It came up almost daily.

++++++++

NILES: Nothing for me, thanks.

FAYE: Are you sure? I make a mean nut cake.

NILES: No, that's all right. I'm meeting one for lunch.

++++++++

NILES: So you really like her?

FRASIER: Yes, I do.

NILES: And you're not just saying that?

FRASIER: Absolutely not.

NILES: You want her?

FRASIER: Excuse me?

NILES: Frasier, she's killing me.

FRASIER: Oh ...

NILES: I-I'm just not cut out for this lifestyle. Between seeing myself in a mirror at the club, dancing my modified Charleston, and ... catching my reflection in the store window this morning as I rollerbladed past in spandex, I ... I feel like I'm being stalked by some pathetic, middle-aged ghoul; I .... Obviously, I've got to break it off with her.

FRASIER: Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry, Niles. You going to tell her now?

NILES: No, no, no. I'll arrange to meet her after work. Tell you the truth, I think she's losing interest herself. I couldn't help noticing a little eye-rolling today when my skate wheel got stuck in a storm grate.

++++++++

NILES: Well, I plan to get stinkin'  tonight.

FRASIER: (taking drink from bartender)  Thank you.

NILES: (to bartender)  May I see your wine list?

 

 

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Five

All quotes were taken directly from the DVDs and have been thoroughly checked for accuracy.

"Frasier's Imaginary Friend"

FRASIER: You know, frankly, I'm sick and tired of everyone's pity. Fact is, I did  meet a woman down there. A perfectly fabulous woman. We had an utterly romantic weekend.
MARTIN: Well, why didn't you just tell us that from the start?
FRASIER: Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
NILES: Oh, yes. That pesky Club Med oath of silence.

"The Gift Horse"

NILES: If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first few yard lines, but I could only get ones way back on the 50th.

++++++++

NILES: I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me, Frasier ....You have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore. (referring to a mammoth TV set)
FRASIER: I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window into a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera, or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!
NILES: (dryly)  You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.

"The Kid"

DAPHNE: (to ROZ)  How did the father take it when you told him? (to FRASIER)  Don't worry, she brought it up.
ROZ: Actually, he took it very well. He's not going to be that involved, though. He moved to Cairo.
NILES: Where would he have moved to if he had taken it badly?

"The 1000th Show"

FRASIER: Where was I?
NILES: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.

++++++++

NILES: Sorry I'm late. I stopped halfway to listen to a jolly band of Frasier Crane Day carolers. I tried to join in on "The Twelve Days of Frasier," but, uh – forgot the words around day seven.

++++++++

FRASIER: Up late last night?
NILES: Well, I'm afraid so. As usual, I left it till the last minute to write all my Frasier Crane Day cards.

"Voyage of the Damned"

ROZ: Don't you remember him from the '70s? He invented that big dance craze, the "barracuda."
NILES: Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his.
FRASIER: No!
NILES: Yes, that was the one dance she could do. The hustle was too strenuous. She had no booty to shake. But her fetching little underbite was just perfect for the barracuda.

"Desperately Seeking Closure"

ROZ: Oh, come on, Frasier, why don't you just admit what you're doing here? This isn't some "help me to be a better person" thing. You're trying to figure out what you can fix so you can win Sam back.
FRASIER: Oh, now, Roz, that's preposterous.
ROZ: Look who you're talking to. I've been down this road so many times, they call it "the Roz Expressway."
NILES: I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.

++++++++

FRASIER: Well, I ... don't know about "love." I mean, we've only been seeing each other for a month.
NILES: But you could see yourself falling in love with her.
FRASIER: Possibly.
NILES: Sometime down the line.
FRASIER: Yes, yes, perhaps.
NILES: Well, no wonder you're heartbroken. You've just lost the only woman you could even possibly, sometime down the line, perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one.

++++++++

NILES: Don't punish yourself, Frasier. At least you're deep enough to realize you're shallow.

"Perspectives on Christmas"

NILES: (to MARTIN)  Why don't you start here, with "O night" (gives pitch on piano)  and I want to hear you really attack the note. (MARTIN sings the phrase and cracks horribly on the high note)  Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.

"Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name"

NILES: There's a wonderful lecture series on the history of modern lecture series.

++++++++

NILES: I gave Maris her birthday saddle. She was so thrilled, she treated me to a little Lady Godiva impression.
FRASIER: Oh, my.
NILES: Apparently, the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream. It created a powerful apoxy.
FRASIER: Oh, dear.
NILES: Yes. It took an hour and a full bottle of nail polish remover to get her free. Today, her poor little thighs were so raw, the only way she could find comfort was to straddle a frozen Butterball turkey.

++++++++

NILES: At this point, I'd just as soon be by myself. My brother has abandoned me, my wife is cursing my name. Tonight, when Orpheus descends into hell, I'll be there waiting for him with a fruit basket.

"Ain't Nobody's Business if I Do"

NILES: But – but – what do we even call her?
FRASIER: Well, I suppose she'll want us to call her "Mother." No, no, that's too formal. No, "Mama." No, "Ma."
NILES: Oh, better still. "Don't you look nice, Ma. Yes, I'd love another corn dog, Ma.  Off to the roller derby, MA?!"

"The Zoo Story"

NILES: You must forgive my jolly mood, but Maris was over tonight for our weekly conjugal visit.
MARTIN: Oh, geez.
NILES: I've never seen her looking so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings – which she tends to avoid, as they make her head droop.

"The Maris Counselor"

NILES: Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.
MARTIN: Geez, I didn't need to hear that!
NILES: Oh, no, no, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark; I thought he was Maris.
FRASIER: It's a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?
NILES: The heat from her side of the bed.

"The Ski Lodge"

NILES: I grant you, she's comely. But don't you find her a tad – what would the polite euphemism be – stupid?
FRASIER: Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle. You find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a "ball" in no time!
NILES: Leave it to you to put the pig back in Pygmalion.

"Room Service"

FRASIER: Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
NILES: Oh. That explains why blood was pouring through all my faucets this morning.
FRASIER: Well, go easy on her. Her husband has left her ... and get this ... for a man.
NILES: Damn! I owe Dad five dollars.

++++++++

LILITH: Niles. Sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
NILES: (pointedly)  Ditto.

++++++++

FRASIER: Niles! Niles!
NILES: Did I do it again?
FRASIER: Yes. You fell asleep with your cheek right against the ice tray!
NILES: Oh, that's so strange. I dreamed I was tangoing with Maris.

++++++++

(NILES and LILITH  wake up in bed together, both horrified)
LILITH: My God! What did we do, what did we do?!
NILES: Well, first you put your—
LILITH: I know what we did, what do we do now?!
NILES: Let's try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. Every day in Arkansas!!

++++++++

NILES: Now I remember ordering this. It's the breakfast I always have after a night of passion.
LILITH: Eggs Benedict? That's very rich.
NILES: I only have it once a year.

++++++++

NILES: If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was about two people ruled by very powerful superegos – tortured by them – who found a chance, however misguided, to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softy, but that's how I see it.

"Frasier Gotta Have It"

NILES: I'm not condemning you for your little ... fling.
FRASIER: Oh, for God's sake.
NILES: Just don't try to pass it off as something deeper than it is. The only thing you two have in common is the faint impression of the word "Sealy" on your backsides.

++++++++

NILES: Frasier, I owe you an apology. You two are perfectly compatible. How long will it be before we're all standing outside a wedding chapel pelting you both with whole grain brown rice?

++++++++

FRASIER: Haven't you ever heard of opposites attracting? Where I am worldly, Caitlin is – unspoiled.
NILES: Rather remarkable, given her terror of preservatives.

"First Date"

FRASIER: Ooh, Niles, you'd be smart to get out of here. Dad's dragging me to a wake for my god-uncle Charlie.
NILES: Is he the one who used to plop his eyeball into his mashed potatoes and say, "I'm watching what I eat"?

"Roz and the Schnoz"

NILES: I want to prove that I'm strong and independent, and I can't do that alone.

"The Life of the Party"

NILES: Excuse me, Frasier.
FRASIER: Not now, Niles. I'm telling Vicky my recipe for crèpes gâteau.
NILES: Oh, well, I'm sure she's had enough of your crèpe by now.

"Party, Party"

NILES: Frasier, I have to ask a small favor. I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe.

"Sweet Dreams"

FRASIER: Daphne, I am ... so sorry. I feel just terrible.
DAPHNE: As you should. You left me handcuffed and helpless.
NILES: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me. (beat)  For help.