SCENE 3
Enter BEATRICE.
ARIBERTO (Going to meet her and offering his arm.) Beatrice—daughter—my dear child—take my arm! I shall present you to each other properly. (Gestures to MARCELLO to come forward, who does so with a mixed air of the awkward and the careless.) You cousin Marcello— (BEATRICE's impression is not the most favorable: ARIBERTO takes note of this.) You will pardon the disorder of his appearance; he arrived only an hour ago—
MARCELLO (Interrupting.) —from the Bosporus. It was the devil of a crossing, little cousin! More than once did I curse the moment I ever set sail! (ARIBERTO tugs at MARCELLO's coat, whereupon MARCELLO corrects himself.) It was so awfully long! I thought I should never see land.
ARIBERTO (Aside to BEATRICE.) He's flustered—doesn't know what he's saying. (Aloud.) He meant to pay you a compliment, and he has done so.
MARCELLO (Smiling.) A left-handed one.
BEATRICE (Returning the smile.) I thank you for the thought, cousin. We have not seen each other these ten years. While I was still at school, you were eager to go to sea. (MARCELLO steals a glance at his father.) I am happy to shake your hand at last.
MARCELLO (Grinning.) Let us shake, by God!
BEATRICE Oh! (Withdrawing her pained hand and saying laughingly to ARIBERTO.) He has a very strong grip!
ARIBERTO The emotion—affection—you understand.
MARCELLO Did I hurt you? Most awfully sorry! We seamen are sturdily made. So long aboard ship, one loses one's sense of touch and taste.
ARIBERTO What has taste to do with it?
MARCELLO Allow me to explain. As to sense of touch, it has happened many times that with the pitching and rolling of the ship, I would seize a glass of cognac, and crack!—the glass would break like an eggshell. As to taste: having to down so many spirits and salted food spoiled the flavor of other food, whether it be lobster, caviar, mustard—even cayenne pepper! (Smacks his lips.) Bloody good stuff, cayenne pepper!
ARIBERTO (Aside to MARCELLO.) What are you saying, you scoundrel?
MARCELLO (Aside.) It is a test.
BEATRICE (To ARIBERTO.) He seems a bit—indiscreet.
ARIBERTO (Softly.) It is a test.
MARCELLO (Heartily.) Well, then! May I kiss you, or no? (Approaching her.)
BEATRICE (Drawing back.) But, signor—
MARCELLO What is this "signor"? Are we not cousins? Are we not to be husband and wife? (Insisting.) Well, then!
BEATRICE (Appealing to her guardian.) Uncle!
ARIBERTO (Aside to her.) As I told you—the emotion—affection—
MARCELLO (Aside to ARIBERTO.) It is going well?
ARIBERTO (Aside to MARCELLO.) Control yourself! (To BEATRICE.) Come, make the poor lad happy.
BEATRICE As you wish. I shall obey. (Offers her forehead modestly to MARCELLO; he plants two long, resounding kisses, one on each cheek; she pulls away disconcertedly.) Oh, dear!
ARIBERTO (Enjoying it in spite of himself.) Why ever was I afraid? (To MARCELLO.) Control yourself, young man! There'll be time enough for all that!
MARCELLO (Aside to ARIBERTO.) You're making me nervous. Leave us alone a moment. You shall be proud of me!
ARIBERTO (Aloud to BEATRICE.) Marcello has requested to speak with you alone. When you parted as children, you were sharing your toys. You meet now in anticipation of sharing a life. It is your right to speak privately! (Smiling.) And here is the only circumstance, perhaps, in which a father and guardian may, with impunity, leave two young people alone together—without the world murmuring disapproval! (Aside to BEATRICE.) Encourage him; he shall feel more at ease.
BEATRICE (To herself.) It would seem he needs no encouragement!
ARIBERTO (To MARCELLO.) I beg you—control yourself! (To both.) Endeavor to come to an understanding. Upon my return, I shall ask but one thing: what is to be the day of the wedding! (Makes a hinting gesture to MARCELLO, another to BEATRICE, then exits.)
SCENE 4
MARCELLO (Straddling a chair.) Well, cousin? Is it gospel truth that we are to be man and wife?
BEATRICE (Looks at him with a touch of surprise and sits.) It would seem so.
MARCELLO (Sighing.) Ah, well! (Draws out his cigarette case, take a cigarette and lights it.)
BEATRICE (Annoyed by the smoke, but pretending not to be.) "Ah, well," he says! (Looking at him.) You have such a manner of behaving!
MARCELLO What sort of manner is that?
BEATRICE I should say ... eccentric.
MARCELLO Hmm ... so it is. (Flicking ash on the carpet.) Don't you like eccentrics, cousin?
BEATRICE It depends. There are those who are amiable and those who are not. In general, however, eccentrics are looked upon as oddities, but—
MARCELLO (Finishing her sentence.) —but one doesn't marry them. Quite right. Who, in your opinion, are the not so amiable eccentrics?
BEATRICE I don't know .... Well ... for example ...
MARCELLO He that shoots his horse on a bet?
BEATRICE He is not eccentric; he is a madman.
MARCELLO One that habitually courts women as his occupation, and compromises them?
BEATRICE (With unaffected dignity.) Of certain things, cousin, I have no knowledge! Nonetheless, it seems to me that such a man would not be an eccentric, but merely a good-for-nothing!
MARCELLO (To himself.) Take care—she is Prudence Incarnate! (Aloud.) Then tell me, who would not be amiable?
BEATRICE (Twisting her handkerchief.) Heavens! He that is unkind to ladies—if it were not for good reason. (Offering him an ashtray.) Would you like an ashtray?
MARCELLO Thank you, no; never use them. Much easier without, don't you know.
BEATRICE Ah. (Continuing.) He that possesses habits which are bit—a bit boorish. For example, forever having a cigar in his mouth.
MARCELLO (Feigning ignorance.) I see. And do you like men of that sort?
BEATRICE (Fanning away a cloud of smoke.) As much as I like smoke in my eyes! (Coughs.)
MARCELLO (Feigning surprise.) Oh, I say! Does my cigar bother you?
BEATRICE It makes me ill.
MARCELLO Blast! (Tosses it away.) Most awfully sorry. For me, smoking is part of my existence. In the mornings, if I do not have a cigarette between my lips as soon as ever my eyes open, I simply cannot get out of bed. Likewise at night—if I have not enjoyed my Havana before closing my eyes, I am done for—can't sleep at all!
BEATRICE (Astonished.) But my uncle assured me that you have no bad habits.
MARCELLO (Laughing.) Oh, a father's knowledge of his own son is questionable! It is left to the fiancé, if he is an honest man, to do his duty. (Soberly.) And since I believe myself to be such a man, I shall make a confession to you.
BEATRICE A confession?
MARCELLO A delicate one, and most eccentric! But first, tell me frankly: do you, by any chance, love me?
BEATRICE Ha! You do make me laugh! I do love you—as a cousin. But otherwise? I beg your pardon, but how can one love, then and there, someone whom she has not seen these ten years?
MARCELLO Yet you would marry me?
BEATRICE To be sure! It is my uncle's wish.
MARCELLO Your dead great-uncle?
BEATRICE (Ingenuously.) No, no. My living uncle-uncle.
MARCELLO Has it never occurred to you that I might make you unhappy?
BEATRICE Never. If my uncle advises me to marry you, it can only mean he is certain I should be happy.
MARCELLO On the other hand, if my father were to advise you not to marry me—?
BEATRICE Then I would not.
MARCELLO You have such enormous faith in my father?
BEATRICE (Warmly.) And such esteem, such admiration! He is so wise, so kind—and he loves me so very much! Dear Uncle—and you wonder that I should have faith in him?
MARCELLO Since that is so, I may make my confession without hesitation or fear. I say fear, for this is always a difficult thing to confess to the one who is to be one's wife. (Weighing his words.) I am in love with another woman. I can love none but her! (With more ease.) However, since certain things are best said sooner, I therefore tell you this now, so as not to repent later. Do I make myself clear?
BEATRICE (Bewildered.) With all the frankness—
MARCELLO —of a seaman!
BEATRICE You—are in love with another?
MARCELLO (Warmly.) A most beautiful girl with almond-shaped eyes. I do not exaggerate when I say she is beautiful! In all the world, I have not seen such eyes.
BEATRICE Thank you for telling me, dear cousin!
MARCELLO Pshaw! Ceremony between us? I left the Bosporus without saying a single word. Woe to me, had she known of it! She is as capable, capable indeed, of killing me and herself, as she is of cracking an egg! (BEATRICE stares at him wordlessly.) What is the matter? Why do you not speak?
BEATRICE I hear you—but your father—? I cannot make it out.
MARCELLO My father is concerned for your well-being—(sottovoce)—and a bit for his own!
BEATRICE For his own? Not at all!
MARCELLO How naïve you are! If you marry, all is well; but if not .... You understand? A spinster at home ... and with his hopes, his aspirations ....
BEATRICE What sort of aspirations?
MARCELLO Well—to remarry.
BEATRICE Remarry? (Surprised and incredulous.)
MARCELLO You don't know? Why, to be sure! And what a fine husband my father would be! Enough; I have done my duty. I have concealed nothing from you. If you are satisfied, here I am, ready to obey my father's command. If your answer is yes, we shall immediately prepare two apartments—one here and one elsewhere. If no, I shall promptly re-board my ship and hasten to dry the tears of that forsaken girl. (Very casually.) Whilst you are considering, I shall go out on the terrace and have a smoke. (In full view of the audience, he goes and sits out on the terrace, lights a cigarette, crosses his legs and smokes arduously, watching BEATRICE all the while.)
BEATRICE (To herself.) I would have expected anything, but this—! Could my uncle have deceived me so? Poor thing! I understand very well that he, too—if it is true that he has the notion—! (A bit piqued.) Though if he wanted to be free of me, he could have told me why! Mean thing, wanting to remarry and saying nothing to me! Does he want to be free? I shall satisfy him in some other way. I shall settle in the country, alone with my old, grumbling aunt—until I, too, become a grumbling old maid! What else is there to do? (Glancing towards her cousin.) My cousin? No! Some other man? He wouldn't have me, not without a dowry. And if he wanted the dowry, it would mean that he wouldn't have me for my lovely eyes alone! So then, I shall be a good housekeeper. I shall learn how to breed silkworms, and teach it to my fellow peasants. The blessing of such good people shall be worth that happiness which I could not obtain through a marriage of convenience! (Becoming somewhat emotional.)
MARCELLO (Suddenly shouting.) Cousin!
BEATRICE (Startled.) Yes?
MARCELLO (Spiritedly.) I've an idea! Between puffs, there flashed before me a scathingly brilliant idea!
BEATRICE What?
MARCELLO (Coming in from the terrace.) What did Great-Uncle's will stipulate? That you, born a Guidobaldo, marry a Guidobaldi. Now, as far as I know, there are only two men in the world with that name: myself, and my father.
BEATRICE (Curious.) Well?
MARCELLO Well—as for myself, I seem to be out of the question. That leaves my father! (Blows out a cloud of smoke.) Cousin—what if you were to marry—my father?
BEATRICE (Caught unaware.) Uncle? Ha, ha, ha!
MARCELLO I find nothing laughable in it. To choose between a husband two years younger and one eighteen years older—a girl who has good sense, as do you, should not be in doubt. (Convincingly.) For it must be confessed: a father is worth more than a son. The chaps of my generation rather envy the men of my father's. Our hair begins to grey at thirty; that of a father, at sixty! (Taking her hand.) Have you looked closely at him? How elegant he is! What eyes! What teeth! Small hands and feet, half the size of my own! I give you my word of honor that, love aside, between him and me—if I were in your place—I should choose him!
BEATRICE Oh—not Uncle! Such a serious man—
MARCELLO (Pointedly.) That is why he wants to remarry.
BEATRICE (Becoming pensive.) I am astonished! But what of all the good he has said of you?
MARCELLO Lies!
BEATRICE (Angering.) He has done wrong, then!
MARCELLO Tell him! He would say she has done right. (With a resigned air.) As for me, I repeat—here I am!
BEATRICE (Seriously.) Marcello, that will do. Let us put an end to this nonsense.
MARCELLO You see? Now you too are becoming serious! Believe me: in this world, what appears to be impossible is precisely that which comes about with the most ease! (BEATRICE stares at him a moment, then laughs.) Go on, then, laugh; but consider! Here he is. He left me alone with you—I shall leave you alone with him. (Insisting.) Speak to him, but in doing so, look at him closely—particularly his eyes!
BEATRICE (Still laughing.) I understand. Very well, I shall look at him. You truly are an eccentric!
END SCENE
To be continued.
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