Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Eleven

All quotes have been lifted directly from the DVDs and checked thoroughly for accuracy.

"No Sex, Please, We're Skittish"

FRASIER:  Are you pregnant?
DAPHNE:  Not yet, but we're trying.
FRASIER:  Oh! Well, congratulations! You've got all the fertility software, and so forth?
NILES:  Of course; we're not animals.

"A Man, a Plan, and a Gal: Julia"

NILES: Frasier! What are you doing in the kitchen?
FRASIER:  You just asked to see me.
NILES:  Ah! So you haven't gone deaf.
FRASIER:  Why would I have gone deaf?
NILES:  Because that's the only good reason you sat there silently while our profession was assaulted like a drag queen at a tractor pull!

"The Doctor Is Out"

MARTIN:  That guy's not gay. You know how you can tell? The muscles.
NILES:  Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.

"The Babysitter"

NILES:  If you tortured that metaphor any more, you'd be before a tribunal in the Hague.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Oh, yeah, I remember Ronee. Pretty little thing, yeah. How's she looking these days?
NILES:  Had her eyes pulled so tight, she could land a role in Flower Drum Song.

++++++++

NILES:  What are you doing with Dad's Velveeta?
FRASIER:  What do think I'm doing with it? I'm gonna eat it.
NILES:  Okay, Frasier, this isn't funny anymore.
FRASIER:  Oh, my God. (taking something out of the Velveeta box)
NILES:  What is it?
FRASIER:  It's Viagra!
NILES:  They give that away with Velveeta?

"I'm Listening"

NILES: What are we looking for?
FRASIER:  My money clip. Have you seen it?
NILES:  Rarely.

++++++++

FRASIER:  I'm, uh, reciting "Annabel Lee" for the Poe Society this evening. I-I don't mind telling you, I'm just a bit nervous.
NILES:  Don't worry. Poe folk don't 'spect much.

"Murder Most Maris"

NILES:  I can't believe she could have planned this. You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in the room next to hers for fifteen years.

++++++++

MARTIN:  (looking at a newspaper photo) Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon?
NILES:  Uh, that is the experimental liposuction center in Gestaad. So, yes.

++++++++

NILES:  (turning off his cell phone) Oh, that was Maris. Poor thing lost her shoes. She put them outside her cell to be polished ... and someone named Big Judy is holding them for ransom.

++++++++

FRASIER:  That's the stuff, Niles! Doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest?
NILES:  Oh, stuff it, Mr. Malaprop! "Family spokesman." The Manson family should have a spokesman like you!

"Guns and Neuroses"

LILITH:  Daphne, Niles—congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
DAPHNE:  Thank you.
LILITH:  Do you know the sex?
NILES:  Do we! That's how we got pregnant!

"High Holidays"

NILES: I've decided to rebel tonight. Right under Dad's nose.
FRASIER:  How?
NILES:  You ready?
FRASIER:  Yes.
NILES:  You sure?
FRASIER:  Positive.
NILES:  Move your coffee; it might—
FRASIER:  Niles!
NILES:  I'm getting high on reefer.
FRASIER:  What?!
NILES:  I've waited for this all my life, Frasier—one act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And, of course, I'll have a nurse on speed dial in case things get too hairy.

+++++++++

FRASIER:  I judge from all this rich terminology that you've done some research.
NILES:  Yes, I know all the symptoms I can expect to experience. I'm especially looking forward to something called the "munchies" stage. It's where one enjoys bizarre food combinations. I'm thinking of pairing this Chilean sea bass with an aggressive zinfandel.

"Freudian Sleep"

NILES:  Well, I can see how that might disturb you,—
FRASIER:  Indeed.
NILES:  —a man of your intellect having such an obvious dream.
FRASIER:  I beg your pardon?
NILES:  Oh, come on. You're lonely, and you envy what I have. I was just hoping for something more complex; you know, a staircase leading nowhere, or ... Mom giving you a physical.

"Caught in the Act"

FRASIER:  The Gap, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there.
NILES:  I just discovered it. Apparently, there are a number of them.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she's in! The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from—from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn't it be heartless of me to deny myself to her?
NILES:  Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud, I couldn't hear.

"Boo!"

MARTIN:  Frasier, I wish you would stop coddling me. I know you're sorry and you didn't mean to give me a heart attack.
FRASIER:  Not a heart attack, Dad. A cardiac event. You know, maybe we can look on this as a sign that you should begin a healthier lifestyle. Perhaps one day we'll look back on this and you'll thank me for it.
NILES:  Oh, yes. Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier, like, "Now that I'm old and looking back, I thank you for my heart attack."

++++++++

FRASIER:  You know, I'm not ready to lose him, Niles.
NILES:  Me neither. And I don't want my child to miss knowing him. Who else is going to teach him to catch a football ball?

"Coots and Ladders"

RONEE:  You must be drunk in this picture, Niles. You've got your arm around a floor lamp.
NILES:  Oh, no, that's Maris in her Easter hat.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Admit it, Niles. It's intoxicating, isn't it? Can't you feel a tingle running down your spine?
NILES:  In a minute it's going to be running down my inseam. Hurry up.

"Miss Right Now"

 

FRASIER:  I can't stop thinking about this woman I've met. It's my matchmaker, of all people.
NILES:  Well, now, do you get a discount if the matchmaker sets you up with herself? Sort of a ... floor model sort of thing?

"And Frasier Makes Three"

NILES:  I thought you said she has a boyfriend. This environmentalist fellow.
FRASIER:  Yes. Frank.
NILES:  Well, so— (to the waiter) Thank you. (to FRASIER) What's your plan to get around him?
FRASIER:  I'm merely going to present myself as the anti-Frank.
NILES:  Ah. So you're going to be not rugged and not handsome.

"Goodnight, Seattle"

NILES:  The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy.
FRASIER:  Now, Niles, just remember those hardy Crane genes are in there, too.
NILES:  Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Ronee, the boys think they can throw a fancy wedding together by May 15th.
RONEE:  But that's in eight days.
NILES:  Well, it only took us four days to throw together our seafood-themed "Friends of the Marina Bouilla-bash."

++++++++

NILES:  That is so funny—I've been worried he's going to turn out like one of your brothers. I was sure when he kicked that speaker off your belly that you had a little Simon in there.
DAPHNE:  They are a handful, my brothers. I can just imagine the hell they're raising back there.
NILES:  With an open bar?
DAPHNE:  (gasping)  Oh, my God. My water just broke. The baby's coming!
NILES:  Because I said "open bar" ?!