Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Eleven

All quotes have been lifted directly from the DVDs and checked thoroughly for accuracy.

"No Sex, Please, We're Skittish"

FRASIER:  Are you pregnant?
DAPHNE:  Not yet, but we're trying.
FRASIER:  Oh! Well, congratulations! You've got all the fertility software, and so forth?
NILES:  Of course; we're not animals.

"A Man, a Plan, and a Gal: Julia"

NILES: Frasier! What are you doing in the kitchen?
FRASIER:  You just asked to see me.
NILES:  Ah! So you haven't gone deaf.
FRASIER:  Why would I have gone deaf?
NILES:  Because that's the only good reason you sat there silently while our profession was assaulted like a drag queen at a tractor pull!

"The Doctor Is Out"

MARTIN:  That guy's not gay. You know how you can tell? The muscles.
NILES:  Good point, Dad. Second tip-off: no poodle.

"The Babysitter"

NILES:  If you tortured that metaphor any more, you'd be before a tribunal in the Hague.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Oh, yeah, I remember Ronee. Pretty little thing, yeah. How's she looking these days?
NILES:  Had her eyes pulled so tight, she could land a role in Flower Drum Song.

++++++++

NILES:  What are you doing with Dad's Velveeta?
FRASIER:  What do think I'm doing with it? I'm gonna eat it.
NILES:  Okay, Frasier, this isn't funny anymore.
FRASIER:  Oh, my God. (taking something out of the Velveeta box)
NILES:  What is it?
FRASIER:  It's Viagra!
NILES:  They give that away with Velveeta?

"I'm Listening"

NILES: What are we looking for?
FRASIER:  My money clip. Have you seen it?
NILES:  Rarely.

++++++++

FRASIER:  I'm, uh, reciting "Annabel Lee" for the Poe Society this evening. I-I don't mind telling you, I'm just a bit nervous.
NILES:  Don't worry. Poe folk don't 'spect much.

"Murder Most Maris"

NILES:  I can't believe she could have planned this. You do learn something about a woman when you've slept in the room next to hers for fifteen years.

++++++++

MARTIN:  (looking at a newspaper photo) Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon?
NILES:  Uh, that is the experimental liposuction center in Gestaad. So, yes.

++++++++

NILES:  (turning off his cell phone) Oh, that was Maris. Poor thing lost her shoes. She put them outside her cell to be polished ... and someone named Big Judy is holding them for ransom.

++++++++

FRASIER:  That's the stuff, Niles! Doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest?
NILES:  Oh, stuff it, Mr. Malaprop! "Family spokesman." The Manson family should have a spokesman like you!

"Guns and Neuroses"

LILITH:  Daphne, Niles—congratulations on the successful commingling of your genetic material.
DAPHNE:  Thank you.
LILITH:  Do you know the sex?
NILES:  Do we! That's how we got pregnant!

"High Holidays"

NILES: I've decided to rebel tonight. Right under Dad's nose.
FRASIER:  How?
NILES:  You ready?
FRASIER:  Yes.
NILES:  You sure?
FRASIER:  Positive.
NILES:  Move your coffee; it might—
FRASIER:  Niles!
NILES:  I'm getting high on reefer.
FRASIER:  What?!
NILES:  I've waited for this all my life, Frasier—one act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And, of course, I'll have a nurse on speed dial in case things get too hairy.

+++++++++

FRASIER:  I judge from all this rich terminology that you've done some research.
NILES:  Yes, I know all the symptoms I can expect to experience. I'm especially looking forward to something called the "munchies" stage. It's where one enjoys bizarre food combinations. I'm thinking of pairing this Chilean sea bass with an aggressive zinfandel.

"Freudian Sleep"

NILES:  Well, I can see how that might disturb you,—
FRASIER:  Indeed.
NILES:  —a man of your intellect having such an obvious dream.
FRASIER:  I beg your pardon?
NILES:  Oh, come on. You're lonely, and you envy what I have. I was just hoping for something more complex; you know, a staircase leading nowhere, or ... Mom giving you a physical.

"Caught in the Act"

FRASIER:  The Gap, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there.
NILES:  I just discovered it. Apparently, there are a number of them.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she's in! The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from—from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn't it be heartless of me to deny myself to her?
NILES:  Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud, I couldn't hear.

"Boo!"

MARTIN:  Frasier, I wish you would stop coddling me. I know you're sorry and you didn't mean to give me a heart attack.
FRASIER:  Not a heart attack, Dad. A cardiac event. You know, maybe we can look on this as a sign that you should begin a healthier lifestyle. Perhaps one day we'll look back on this and you'll thank me for it.
NILES:  Oh, yes. Maybe then you can find a nice card for Frasier, like, "Now that I'm old and looking back, I thank you for my heart attack."

++++++++

FRASIER:  You know, I'm not ready to lose him, Niles.
NILES:  Me neither. And I don't want my child to miss knowing him. Who else is going to teach him to catch a football ball?

"Coots and Ladders"

RONEE:  You must be drunk in this picture, Niles. You've got your arm around a floor lamp.
NILES:  Oh, no, that's Maris in her Easter hat.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Admit it, Niles. It's intoxicating, isn't it? Can't you feel a tingle running down your spine?
NILES:  In a minute it's going to be running down my inseam. Hurry up.

"Miss Right Now"

 

FRASIER:  I can't stop thinking about this woman I've met. It's my matchmaker, of all people.
NILES:  Well, now, do you get a discount if the matchmaker sets you up with herself? Sort of a ... floor model sort of thing?

"And Frasier Makes Three"

NILES:  I thought you said she has a boyfriend. This environmentalist fellow.
FRASIER:  Yes. Frank.
NILES:  Well, so— (to the waiter) Thank you. (to FRASIER) What's your plan to get around him?
FRASIER:  I'm merely going to present myself as the anti-Frank.
NILES:  Ah. So you're going to be not rugged and not handsome.

"Goodnight, Seattle"

NILES:  The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy.
FRASIER:  Now, Niles, just remember those hardy Crane genes are in there, too.
NILES:  Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Ronee, the boys think they can throw a fancy wedding together by May 15th.
RONEE:  But that's in eight days.
NILES:  Well, it only took us four days to throw together our seafood-themed "Friends of the Marina Bouilla-bash."

++++++++

NILES:  That is so funny—I've been worried he's going to turn out like one of your brothers. I was sure when he kicked that speaker off your belly that you had a little Simon in there.
DAPHNE:  They are a handful, my brothers. I can just imagine the hell they're raising back there.
NILES:  With an open bar?
DAPHNE:  (gasping)  Oh, my God. My water just broke. The baby's coming!
NILES:  Because I said "open bar" ?!

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Ten

All quotes were lifted directly from the DVDs and checked multiple times for accuracy.

"The Ring Cycle"

DAPHNE :  Well, I'd better go and figure out what to pack for the honeymoon!
NILES :  I'm just bringing sunscreen.

"Enemy at the Gate"

ANGRY MAN :  Only rich people have time for this kind of crap! Just pay the two bucks, Mr. B.M.W.!
FRASIER :  My income and the style of car which I drive are irrelevant. Isn't that so, Niles?
NILES :  Yes. I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.

"Room with a View"

NILES :  (groggily)  Oh, now, Daphne—you know all the important papers are in my top left-hand drawer—
DAPHNE :  Let's not talk about that right now. You just relax.
NILES :  Okay, Daphne. You know, Daphne—they do these procedures hundreds of times.
DAPHNE :  I know.
NILES :  Okay. It's practically routine, Daphne.
DAPHNE :  Why do you keep saying my name?
NILES :  I just want to say it as many times as I can. Daphne.

"Don't Go Breaking My Heart"

NILES :  Did you hear what the conductor did to the Andante? I just hope he bought it dinner first.

++++++++

DAPHNE :  What happened? Are you all right?
NILES :  (out of breath)  Yes ... I just jumped into bed with your mother.
DAPHNE :  Oh, dear. No wonder she screamed.
NILES :  That wasn't her.

"We Two Kings"

NILES :  We were hoping to borrow your wassail bowl.
FRASIER :  Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. I've already loaned it to Lawrence Emerson and his madrigal caroling group.
NILES :  Well, you can kiss that bowl goodbye. Frasier, the YuleTones are the bad boys of Renaissance Christmas music.

"Door Jam"

NILES :  I think I'll have the aroma therapy Swedish.
FRASIER :  Oh, Niles—look at this bounty. Take a risk! Be a man!
NILES :  The chardonnay rose hips salt glow?

"The Harrassed"

NILES :  I was hoping to come here and complain about my office remodel. I'm annexing the dermatologist's office next door, and in a cheap irony, my skin is breaking out.
FRASIER :  Ah, your spackle allergy again?
NILES :  I'm covered with tiny bumps. It's worse than the summer we added the breakfast nook to the treehouse.

"Kenny on the Couch"

DAPHNE :  If you want to learn yoga, why do we need some fancy private teacher? There are classes we could take together down at the Y.
NILES :  Yes, and afterwards, there are anti-fungal lotions we can use together, too.

++++++++

NILES :  You're seeing patients again?
FRASIER :  Well, just this one for the last three weeks. Very challenging case, too. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses, and a phobia or two.
NILES :  Sounds to me like you've hit the crackpot!

"Roe to Perdition"

FRASIER :  (holding a jar of Baluga caviar)  You really must try this, Niles.
NILES :  (tasting a spoonful)  It's like being kissed by a lusty mermaid!

"Some Assembly Required"

DAPHNE :  (to MARTIN, furious) Well, I told [Mum] we will not tolerate this inconsiderate behavior anymore! If she wants to be part of this household, she has to get off her lazy bum and help out around the house! How did I put it, Niles?
NILES :  I couldn't hear you; I was in the panic room. But you looked very forceful on the monitor.

++++++++

NILES :  Dad, are you sure you want to do this? I spoke at a Career Day once.  It was a disaster—all the taunting and yelling. I haven't been so afraid of third graders since ninth grade.

++++++++

NILES :  (to an assembly of fourth graders)  Is influenza cool? Is scarlet fever cool? Do you have any idea how many germs there are on just one finger? Yes, that finger, for example.

"Farewell, Nervosa"

NILES :  (apprasing the decor of a new café)  Well, they found a way to bring the charm of an airport to a midtown location.

"The Devil and Dr. Phil"

NILES :  I think I've figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the apocalypse.

"Fathers and Sons"

NILES :  (to DAPHNE over the phone)  Okay, so "Delilah" is out? No, no, that's fine, that's fine. What are your ideas? ... Taylor ... uh-huh ... Fletcher ... Cooper ... Tanner .... Where are you getting these, The Big Book of Medieval Professions ?

"Analyzed Kiss"

FRASIER :  A gun show? What's next, square dancing?
NILES :  Maybe. This country was built by gun-totin' square dancers.

++++++++

NILES :  Oh, I can't believe you two. You're always telling me my friends are too artsy and too snooty. Now I finally have friends who are regular guys, and you don't like them, either? Well, I'm having a good time, and I'm enjoying being a regular guy myself.
MARTIN :  Niles, we think they want to overthrow the government.
NILES :  That's what you say about public television.

"A New Position for Roz"

NILES :  (to GERTRUDE )  We've decided to start trying to get pregnant.
GERTRUDE :  (snidely)  Oh, well, I'm glad you think you can. I was beginning to think there might be something wrong with your equipment, Niles.
NILES :  Oh, were you? Well here's more news: you're out of the house, so pack your bags and find another sucker.

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Nine

All quotes were lifted from the DVDs and have been checked multiple times for accuracy.

"Don Juan in Hell"

NILES:  Gone is the citified dandy of just last week! In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed Dionysus, a lusty, insatiable—ooh, scones.

++++++++

NILES: (to DAPHNE )  Roz told me about this wonderful nude beach. So I went down there this morning to check it out for us. It was so peaceful, I decided to do my sunrise tai-chi, have my naked body caressed by the rosy fingers of the new dawn, you know.
MARTIN:  Aw, geez ...
NILES:  Well, I left my clothing and my cares in the car, walked down to the beach and settled in for my first exercise, "Grasping the Bird's Tail." Just at that moment, the sun peaked over the mountain tops, illuminating not only my splendid nakedness, but the bus for the Christian Women's Society.
MARTIN:  They went to a nude beach?
NILES:  No, and neither did I. The next few minutes were a blur as I zigzagged my way back to the car while being pelted with driftwood and bibles. Needless to say, "Island Niles" died on that beach.
DAPHNE:  Oh, honey ... will he ever be back?
NILES:  Maybe at Christmas.

"The First Temptation of Daphne"

NILES:  (trying to contain his anger)  You have violated this person's privacy. If she found out, they could suspend my license—
DAPHNE:  (crying)  I'm so sorry—
NILES:  —and you—don't—trust me. How could you possibly think there could be somebody else?
DAPHNE:  Because I  was somebody else.
NILES:  What?
DAPHNE:  You were married to two other women while you claimed to have been in love with me. Now that we're together, how can I be sure, really sure, that there won't ever be another "somebody else"?
NILES:  Because I would never—  (He looks at DAPHNE and sees the pain and doubt in her eyes. He moves towards her and continues gently.) Because this time it's different. Our love is different. It's not based on somebody's expectations, or—or anything I'm supposed to be. When I was with Maris or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you. Going about my day, or—even when I was in a session—I found myself thinking about you. Well, now we're together. I find myself thinking about you. It's not going to stop. (DAPHNE puts her arms around him and they embrace) I'm still mad at you.
DAPHNE: (smiling to herself ) I know.

"Love Stinks"

FRASIER:  Niles—do you think I'm elitist?
NILES:  (soothingly) Of course I do; you needn't worry about that.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Oh, look! A picture of you in your first Little League uniform. (beat ) Don't know why I said "first."
DAPHNE:  (to NILES ) Was that your game face?
NILES:  Oh, no, no, I-I just lost a tooth due to an errant pitch.
MARTIN:  Tell her who was pitching.
NILES:  (sheepishly) I was.

"Bla-Z-Boy"

FRASIER:  (to NILES, referring to MARTIN ) Ever since our so-called anniversary, he keeps insisting on—
NILES:  Whoa, whoa, whoa—what does your anniversary have to do with this?
FRASIER:  Well, I guess it just set me off. It was as though everyone was saying that ... the only significant relationship I'll ever have again is with my father.
NILES:  So you're not mad at Dad. You're just mad he isn't a woman.

"The Two-Hundredth Episode"

NILES:  Do you know you have your pajamas on backwards?
FRASIER:  Another delightful quirk of mine.
NILES:  Not from where I'm sitting.

"Bully for Martin"

FRASIER:  I mean, after all, this is a man who served his country in Korea, who had a distinguished career as a detective, and yet he is being treated the way you would treat a-a grocery store bag boy.
NILES:  What does that  mean?
FRASIER:  Oh, don't you play coy with me, just because Daphne's here. I have seen you when your avocadoes are packed under your ice cream!
NILES:  Excuse me! That young man was on drugs, and everyone in the store knew it.

++++++++

FRASIER:  It's just that all our lives, Dad's been the guy in charge. I just hate to see him powerless like this.
NILES:  Well, how can you call him powerless? The minute you saw him, you ran into a storage closet.
FRASIER:  That's true.
NILES:  You're a grown man. You're still scared of him?
FRASIER:  Well, you're a grown man; you're still scared of him.
NILES:  Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
FRASIER:  Shut up.

"Mother Load, Part One"

DAPHNE:  Where are we supposed to put all this? I cleared out two drawers. This would fill two closets.
NILES:  Well, we said we'd both bring whatever we needed for any eventuality.
DAPHNE:  Isn't there anything you can leave behind?
NILES:  I don't see how. I have formal, semi-formal, déshabille, wet weather, cold weather, cloudy. I mean, if there's something here you find excessive, jump right in.

"Juvenalia"

ROZ:  First of all, enough with the earrings. Everything doesn't have to be so fancy. Don't get me wrong—jewelry is terrific, but sometimes a woman likes to know that you're paying attention. Mix it up a little. Do something crazy—I mean, totally  out there.
NILES:  Are you talking about scarves?
ROZ:  Okay, let me give you an example. When I was twenty, my boyfriend stole a Doyle's Pub sign for me. We were drunk, and we saw it, and he said, "Hey that's your name on that sign. You should have it." It was spontaneous, and a little dangerous. And very romantic.
NILES:  Spontaneous. And dangerous.  Thanks, Roz. You've given me something to mull over during my herbal wrap.

"The Proposal"

NILES:  I'm afraid I've poured so much emotion into this speech, I don't know if I can say it all without crying.
ROZ:  Oh, that's okay. Women like a man who isn't afraid to shed a few tears.
NILES:  Last time I got all the way through it, I got dehydrated.

++++++++

(FRASIER has just found out that his mother was pregnant with him when she married Martin.)

FRASIER:  Niles, how can you change the subject after this bombshell?! (NILES is silent) You knew?

NILES:  Well ... remember that time I had the chicken pox? Mom told me, to cheer me up.

++++++++

NILES:  Daphne Moon ... will you ... and your beautiful toes ... and your exquisite ankles ... and your precious knees, elbows, and arms, and fingers, and shoulders ... will you marry me?

"War of the Words"

FREDDY:  Uncle Niles, is it true that you walked offstage on the last word of the National Bee?
NILES:  Now, where did you hear that?
FREDDY:  Dad and Grandpa. They said you were one of the best.
NILES:  Well, they exaggerate.
FREDDY:  They said you were just as good as somebody named Kerek.
NILES:  Just  as good? (smiles and shakes his head, bemused) Funny. (beat) Anyway—the story is true. I've never talked about it before, but ... I will, since you also have the "gift." Have a seat. (FREDDY sits down. NILES brings over a stool and sits next to him.) I was, uh, a little younger than you. I'd been winning numerous competitions, but, uh ... I was obsessed with one thing, and one thing only: the National Championship. The time finally came, and there I was, standing on that stage, waiting for the judge to say the final word ... and suddenly, it happened. It all clicked, all the rules—"i" before "e," assimilations, etymologies.They all became one ... and then, became nothing. At that moment, I realized there was no word I couldn't spell. Competitions didn't matter anymore, because I was one with the higher truth that is Spelling. So when the judge said that last word, I simply walked away.
FREDDY:  Didn't you care what people said?
NILES:  Oh, people said a lot of things that weren't true. "He didn't know the word." "He was scared." "Mafia this." No, didn't bother me. 'Cause they couldn't take away what I knew in my heart. You know how to spell. And it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

++++++++

SPELLING BEE FATHER:  (referring to Freddy) You don't have to worry about ever seeing him again, son. Chances are, he'll end up in a state school.

(NILES, FRASIER, and FREDDY turn to face him, enraged)

NILES:  How dare you! (to FREDDY ) Can you take him?
FREDDY:  Yeah.
NILES:  Then spell his ass off !

"Frasier Has Spokane"

NILES:  (to DAPHNE ) Maybe later we'll try out my "Wagner for Lovers" CD.

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Eight

All quotes were lifted from the DVDs and have been thoroughly checked for accuracy.

"The Dish Ran Away with the Spoon"

DAPHNE:  What's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an ex-fiancé, a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
NILES:  Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.
DAPHNE:  Then there's Canada. A fresh start, a chance for adventure.
NILES:  Grizzly bears.

+++++

MEL:  Here's the watch I was going to give you as wedding gift. Please wear it when we're together.
NILES:  It's, uh— (sees something engraved on the watch)
MEL:  Yes, it said "Forever yours." I-I scratched it out with a screwdriver.
NILES:  There's something else crudely carved here, but .... Ah. Well. At least you were able to use that "F" from "Forever."

+++++

NILES:  Pigeons? I don't like pigeons. They have no respect for public art.

"The Bad Son"

DAPHNE:  How are you holding up? Is that spider still around?
NILES:  Oh, I think he's realized he's more afraid of me than I am of him. (panicked) He's not in his corner! He's not in his corner!

"The Great Crane Robbery"

NILES:  Daphne, I know it's difficult. But once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want—Paris, Florence, Rio—
DAPHNE:  How about my room, to fold laundry?
NILES:  I hear it's lovely this time of year.

+++++

MEL:  At the intermission, invariably, some board member will come over to say hello, and I want you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him.
NILES:  That is unthinkable! I have a reputation in this town, and nothing will make me behave that way.
MEL:  Well, it looks like we're going to be married for a long, long time.
NILES:  (taking a moment to consider, then coolly)  I'll see you at Schwanda der Dudelsackpfeiffer.

"Taking Liberties"

FERGUSON:  Sherry, Dr. Crane?
NILES:  Oh, thank you, Ferguson, but even as we speak I have a bottle of Veuve Cliquot chilling in my apartment, and you know the old caution: "Champagne after sherry makes tummy grow wary!"

"The Friend"

MARTIN:  Hope Eddie wasn't a lot of trouble.
NILES:  Please, Dad, he was the perfect houseguest.
MARTIN:  Well, give me the details. Did he eat?
NILES:  Oh, like a horse!
MARTIN:  Slept well?
NILES:  Like a log!
MARTIN:  Was he regular?
NILES:  We're done here, Dad.

"Cranes Unplugged"

DAPHNE:  You always smell so masculine after you've finished exercising.
NILES:  Oh. (suavely)  It's the mango-kiwi shower gel.

"Motor Skills"

FRASIER:  Now, now, ladies—Niles and I are no strangers to the automobile. Niles, let's have a look. I'll pop the hood.
NILES:  That won't void the warranty, will it?

+++++

FRASIER:  We became back row hooligans, Niles. The very students we hated back in school.
NILES:  I always thought they were just mean. Now I realize they were simply acting out of frustration.
FRASIER:  So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you. He was mad at Pythagoras.
NILES:  Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.

"Hooping Cranes"

FRASIER:  Gosh, Niles, you making that basket tonight was truly astonishing. And what's even more unbelievable is that you are now the proud owner of a rugged, ram-tough, all-terrain pickup truck!
NILES:  It occurred to me we could use it to go antique-ing.

"Daphne Returns"

PATIENT:  So you don't think I have a germ phobia?
NILES:  Not at all. Just a healthy sense of personal hygiene. Ah— (handing the patient a card)  Here is the number of the man who cleans my telephones.

+++++

NILES:  Actually, wait, Daphne. I-I'm gonna pass on dinner.
DAPHNE:  Oh, it's no trouble.
NILES:  No, I know. It's just that ... I don't really care for your cooking.
DAPHNE:  What?
NILES:  Well ... you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking—at all. Bad, bad cook!

+++++

NILES:  Well, then I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know, and by the way, neither can you!
DAPHNE:  Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?
NILES:  Not if you thought I loved your cooking!

+++++

FRASIER:  So how are things with you and Daphne, hm?

(NILES  only smiles)

FRASIER:  (to the waiter) Thank you. (beat) Niles, is everything okay?

(NILES merely looks at him, still smiling)

FRASIER:  (with the light of understanding) Ah.
NILES:  You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I imagined it.

"Semi-Decent Proposal / A Passing Fancy"

NILES:  You know, if anyone's technologically challenged, it's you.
FRASIER:  (to CLAIRE ) He's a bit defensive.

(FRASIER says something to CLAIRE in German, to which she responds in German) 

NILES:  You thought your CD-Rom drive was a cup holder.

(CLAIRE  moves away)

FRASIER:  Thanks a lot! I was interested in her!

NILES:  Well, how was I supposed to know?

FRASIER:  I was speaking German.

NILES:  Oh, yes. The language of love.



Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Seven

All quotes were taken directly from the DVDs and have been checked thoroughly for accuracy.

"Momma Mia"

NILES:  That's not graffiti, Dad; that's a Latin pun: "Semper ubi, sub ubi "—"Always where under where."

"Father of the Bride"

NILES:  Last night after dinner, I dropped her home with nothing more than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight may proceed to hand holding, and if all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Niles, it's about Sabrina. (beat) She's a prostitute.
NILES: Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Does Sabrina laugh at everything you say? Is she fascinated  by everything about you—even your collections?
NILES:  Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely seen collection of eighteenth-century Portuguese bud vases.
FRASIER:  And how did she react?
NILES:  Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and, oh, my God, I'm dating a whore.

"Radio Wars"

DAPHNE:  Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crèpe pans seasoned, anyway?
NILES:  It can be confusing, but this may help: "Saucepans in summer, crèpe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for us all."

++++++++

NILES:  Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?
FRASIER: That was you? I'm sorry Niles. I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
NILES: (beat) How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.

++++++++

MARTIN:  Great. That's fine. Admire him if you want, but did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? I mean, you were just begging  to get beat up.
FRASIER:  Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
NILES: I remember getting a chin strap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.

"Everyone's a Critic"

NILES:  The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there, too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed, until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."
FRASIER:  I assume you pounced.
NILES: Like a ninja!

++++++++

NILES:  Well, I wish you had lent her your Tennessee Williams biography. She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him Indiana Jones.

"The Late Dr. Crane"

FRASIER:  Carbuncle?  You mean that miniscule mole of yours?
NILES:  Well, to you.  I've always been self-conscious about it. I-I've made many a hasty wine selection because I felt the sommelier staring down.

"The Apparent Trap"

FRASIER:  (to NILES and LILITH ) You're willing to throw all that away because of one ill-considered night of passion? It happened! Take from it what you can learn. Move on.
NILES:  Well—I learned if you kiss her too fast, you get an ice-cream headache.

++++++++

DAPHNE:  Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
NILES:  Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

++++++++

NILES:  What's this about?
LILITH:  Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over, and now I'm beginning to think maybe it's not.
NILES:  Usually, in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't.

"The Fight before Christmas"

NILES:  (coming out of the elevator and seeing ROZ and DAPHNE standing together in the hall ) Well, there's a Christmas tableau: Naughty and Nice.

++++++++

NILES:  It seems our old gardener has passed away unexpectedly.
FRASIER:  Oh, not Yoshi. Gosh, that's too bad.
NILES:  Yeah. He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris' elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never had a chance.

++++++++

NILES:  Maris and Yoshi were very close. In fact, I remember he once made a topiary likeness of her, and wept without shame when it developed root rot.

"RDWRER"

MARTIN:  Oh ... you're not good with big cars, Niles. Remember when I tried to teach you to drive my Le Sabre? You kept panicking and pulling on the emergency brake.
NILES:  Well, it's a good thing I did. Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down.

++++++++

MARTIN:  I wonder if you can still get "sticky shingles" here.
NILES:  One look at the salad bar says yes.

"They're Playing Our Song"

DAPHNE:  You see, this water traps all the dirt particles instead of recycling them back into the air. I got all that just from Dr. Crane's pillow. (indicating the dirty water)
MARTIN:  Eeew!
NILES:  (to FRASIER ) I've been begging  you to switch to a more abrasive loofah.

"Big Crane on Campus"

FRASIER:  I tried to ask her out and I choked. I did get the impression that she was interested in me, though.
NILES:  Well, of course she is. Oh, and the coach called. You're starting the big game on Sunday.

++++++++

NILES:  Cooking a meal for one's mate is a big first step.
FRASIER:  Yes, especially for you. I mean, Maris never let you cook for her.
NILES:  Mm, that's true. The closest I ever got was restocking the pills in her bedside lazy Susan.

"Out with Dad"

NILES:  May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers, and the stage swarming with standbys!

"Whine Club"

FRASIER:  Well, Niles, it's the moment of truth. Don't choke.
NILES:  Please. Prepare to be stomped like a late-harvest Gewurtztraminer.

"Hot Pursuit"

MARTIN:  (opening his thermos) This is clam chowder!
NILES:  Well, what did you expect?
MARTIN:  Irish whiskey! Your mother always filled it with coffee and Irish whiskey. We just called it "clam chowder" in front of you kids.
NILES:  Is that why you got so mad that day I crumbled oyster crackers in your thermos?

"Morning Becomes Entertainment"

BEBE:  (taking out a cigarette) May I?
FRASIER:  On the balcony, if you don't mind.
BEBE:  Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues of TV's newest sensation! By this time next week—
NILES:  You heard him; if you're going to blow smoke, do it on the balcony.

"The Three Faces of Frasier"

FRASIER: You know, if I were you, I would be careful about bandying about the word "vain," Mr. Two-Hundred-and-Fifty-Dollar Haircut.
NILES: I have problem follicles.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Now, you'd better finish your lasagna. You don't want to offend Stefano.
NILES:  Offend him? So far tonight, I have had the prosciutto di Parma, the pesto Genovese, and the Venetian sea bass. One more bite, and we'll conclude our little tour of Italy with my impression of Pompeii.

"Something Borrowed, Someone Blue"

DAPHNE:  So, you brought me something, Roz?
ROZ:  Well, yeah, I figured you can't get married without wearing something borrowed. (hands DAPHNE a gift box)
DAPHNE:  (opening the box) Oh, what a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail.
NILES:  I especially like the little odometer.

++++++++

ROZ:  Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I've dated?
NILES:  I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetops.

++++++++

NILES:  Daphne—take it from someone who knows. You don't want to spend half your life thinking about a chance you didn't take.

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Six

In season six, the character of Niles acquires new depth; the writers give him more moments of pathos, not only in his love for Daphne, but in all his relationships. We find him more affectionately tolerant of Frasier's shortcomings and more solicitous of Martin. Even his jibes at Roz's expense become increasingly good-natured in tone and delivery as their friendship solidifies. Consequently, Niles is given fewer "zingers" to say, but the characters around him are more vocal about his actions and situation. All of this only strengthens an already strong and vivid character, giving the viewer even more reason to like him and sympathize with him.

 

Again, all quotes are taken directly from the DVDs and checked multiple times for accuracy.

"Good Grief"

FRASIER: Oh, you're just in time! I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
MARTIN: Here?
NILES: Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

++++++++

NERDY FAN: It's cool, isn't it, your brother having his own club?
NILES: (looking at him askance)  Yeah, well ... seeing all of you, I sort of wish I had a club myself.

"Frasier's Curse"

FRASIER: Niles, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice. I swear, I'm in full-blown crisis.
NILES: Well, if you're talking about that garish belt, I have emergency suspenders in my car.

++++++++

FRASIER: Daphne, will you assist me, please? This is my school newsletter.
DAPHNE: The Bryce Academy Crier.
NILES: Which, coincidentally, was Frasier's nickname his first year there.

"Dial 'M' for Martin"

MARTIN: Hey, Niles.
ROZ: Hi, Niles.
NILES: Hello. I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
ROZ: Yeah, Niles. We just eloped. I'm your new mom.
NILES: (heartily)  Well! I'll be a son of a bitch.

"How to Bury a Millionaire"

NILES: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
FRASIER: Well, what do your lawyers tell you?
NILES: Well, mostly, my salary isn't even covering my legal bills.

++++++++

NILES: I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's barely tolerable having  a price range.

++++++++

LANDLORD: And we've got a rec room, too. And did you see the hot tub?
NILES: If you're referring to that six-man Petri dish, yes.

"The Seal Who Came to Dinner"

NILES: If my life gets any worse, I'm phoning Hell to ask about their exchange program.

++++++++

MARTIN: And besides, who else is gonna loan you their place? It's not like you can ask Maris.
NILES: I don't have to ask her. She's out of the country. She's in Antwerp having her elbows done. She has that stunning beach house! I'm sure I can get past the alarm!
MARTIN: Isn't that breaking and entering?
NILES: Oh, pish. It can't be a crime if it's catered.

"Roz, a Loan"

FRASIER: Birdwell's? My God, isn't that a little pricey?
NILES: I'll say. It's Maris' favorite store. They give points for every dollar you spend there. One year, she got enough to have Tony Bennett come to our house and sing.

++++++++

NILES: I should go. I want to get down to the spa before Dad. He may bridle when the front desk clerk asks him if he prefers a man or a woman.

++++++++

FRASIER: All right, how bad was it?
NILES: Mortifying. First of all, he refused to go nude, even in the private rooms.
FRASIER: Well, Niles, don't forget Dad is of a different generation.
NILES: Wearing socks and underpants and carrying a wallet into a mudbath is not a generational issue. If you ever hear me offer to take Dad to a spa again, wash out my mouth with jug  wine.

"Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz"

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the next ten nights? Because my—
NILES: Yes. (beat)  Excuse me, finish the question.

"Our Parents, Ourselves"

NILES: (feigning enthusiasm)  The Super Bowl and  a date. Hot diggity.
BONNIE: Well, come here, you're just in time for my specialty.
NILES: Well, how— (BONNIE stuffs a meat-laden cracker in his mouth)  Mm. Mmm ...! Isn't that interesting. Something formerly ham.

"The Show where Woody Shows Up"

NILES: Well, if it's "raucous" you're looking for, we could go and get a night cap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel. It's Jerome Kern night. Last time, people were shouting out requests without raising their hands!

"Three Valentines"

One of Niles' most memorable scenes has almost no spoken lines whatever; but somehow, it just didn't seem right not to include it here. This is Pierce at his comedic genius best.

 

"To Tell the Truth"

 

FRASIER: Well, the office seems nice enough. Might have overdone it on the plants a little, but ...

NILES: Yes. It's excess like this that's destroying the plastic rain forest.

++++++++

NILES: Oh ...! University of Las Vegas. No problem finding tassels for those  mortar boards.

++++++++

FRASIER: Niles, you have got to hear this man out. I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer—someone who's not afraid to show a little moxie.

NILES: Oh, he's an inch away from showing us the full  moxie!

++++++++

NILES: Urinal cakes?! I don't believe this! All these years ... the doyenne of Seattle's elite, looking down her nose at everyone in sight. She owes it all to this. (beat)  She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it, too.

 

"Decoys"

 

NILES: Obviously, you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.

ROZ: Well, sure, I have.

NILES: I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season.

++++++++

NILES: Yes! Yes! Yes, I want Daphne! I think we belong together, just like I think you and Donny belong together, and why should two people be happy, when four people can be ecstatic?

 

"Dinner Party"

 

DAPHNE: Who knows, Roz? Maybe you'll meet some English lord who'll make you a Lady.

NILES: I think at this point it would take the actual  Lord to make her a lady.

++++++++

ROZ: Could you two please leave, so Daphne can change?

NILES: Daphne, you're not actually going out in that,  are you?

DAPHNE: That's it. I'm staying home.

ROZ: No! Just try it. We can accessorize it.

NILES: With what? A lamp post and a public defender?

 

"Taps at the Montana"

 

WOMAN: You must tell us all about your African tour, Dr. Crane.

MAN: Yes. Did the local people actually enjoy your lectures?

NILES: Well, yes, quite a bit. Uh, except, of course, for the pygmies. Most of it went right over their heads.

 

"I. Q."

 

DAPHNE: I'm chatting online with Donny. (computer chimes)  Oh, what's he saying?

NILES: Uh— (reading)  "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet." (beat)  Apparently, he has some sort of typing impediment.

++++++++

FRASIER: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Niles; [Mom] adored you. Don't you remember the time you lost your tricycle? She actually took mine away from me and gave it to you.

NILES: Well, that was for your own good. No eight-year-old should be riding a tricycle.

 

"Dr. Nora"

 

NILES: Hey, Dad. You probably noticed I shaved my moustache. I decided a better way to change my look was to pump some iron.

MARTIN: Oh. So, what, you joined a gym?

NILES: I certainly did. I start the minute my weight belt gets back from the monogrammers.

 

"Visions of Daphne"

 

One of Pierce's most moving performances in all of  Frasier was as the heartbroken Niles witnessing Daphne's engagement to Donny. I feel certain it was this episode, along with his brilliant pantomime in "Three Valentines," that won him his third Emmy. (His first two were for the second and fifth seasons; his fourth was for the final season.)

 

"Shut Out in Seattle"

 

BONNIE: I was at the Super Bowl, remember? I brought the ham loaf.

NILES: Oh, who could forget?

FRASIER: We talked about it long after.

NILES: It came up almost daily.

++++++++

NILES: Nothing for me, thanks.

FAYE: Are you sure? I make a mean nut cake.

NILES: No, that's all right. I'm meeting one for lunch.

++++++++

NILES: So you really like her?

FRASIER: Yes, I do.

NILES: And you're not just saying that?

FRASIER: Absolutely not.

NILES: You want her?

FRASIER: Excuse me?

NILES: Frasier, she's killing me.

FRASIER: Oh ...

NILES: I-I'm just not cut out for this lifestyle. Between seeing myself in a mirror at the club, dancing my modified Charleston, and ... catching my reflection in the store window this morning as I rollerbladed past in spandex, I ... I feel like I'm being stalked by some pathetic, middle-aged ghoul; I .... Obviously, I've got to break it off with her.

FRASIER: Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry, Niles. You going to tell her now?

NILES: No, no, no. I'll arrange to meet her after work. Tell you the truth, I think she's losing interest herself. I couldn't help noticing a little eye-rolling today when my skate wheel got stuck in a storm grate.

++++++++

NILES: Well, I plan to get stinkin'  tonight.

FRASIER: (taking drink from bartender)  Thank you.

NILES: (to bartender)  May I see your wine list?

 

 

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Five

All quotes were taken directly from the DVDs and have been thoroughly checked for accuracy.

"Frasier's Imaginary Friend"

FRASIER: You know, frankly, I'm sick and tired of everyone's pity. Fact is, I did  meet a woman down there. A perfectly fabulous woman. We had an utterly romantic weekend.
MARTIN: Well, why didn't you just tell us that from the start?
FRASIER: Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
NILES: Oh, yes. That pesky Club Med oath of silence.

"The Gift Horse"

NILES: If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first few yard lines, but I could only get ones way back on the 50th.

++++++++

NILES: I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me, Frasier ....You have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore. (referring to a mammoth TV set)
FRASIER: I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window into a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera, or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!
NILES: (dryly)  You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.

"The Kid"

DAPHNE: (to ROZ)  How did the father take it when you told him? (to FRASIER)  Don't worry, she brought it up.
ROZ: Actually, he took it very well. He's not going to be that involved, though. He moved to Cairo.
NILES: Where would he have moved to if he had taken it badly?

"The 1000th Show"

FRASIER: Where was I?
NILES: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.

++++++++

NILES: Sorry I'm late. I stopped halfway to listen to a jolly band of Frasier Crane Day carolers. I tried to join in on "The Twelve Days of Frasier," but, uh – forgot the words around day seven.

++++++++

FRASIER: Up late last night?
NILES: Well, I'm afraid so. As usual, I left it till the last minute to write all my Frasier Crane Day cards.

"Voyage of the Damned"

ROZ: Don't you remember him from the '70s? He invented that big dance craze, the "barracuda."
NILES: Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his.
FRASIER: No!
NILES: Yes, that was the one dance she could do. The hustle was too strenuous. She had no booty to shake. But her fetching little underbite was just perfect for the barracuda.

"Desperately Seeking Closure"

ROZ: Oh, come on, Frasier, why don't you just admit what you're doing here? This isn't some "help me to be a better person" thing. You're trying to figure out what you can fix so you can win Sam back.
FRASIER: Oh, now, Roz, that's preposterous.
ROZ: Look who you're talking to. I've been down this road so many times, they call it "the Roz Expressway."
NILES: I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.

++++++++

FRASIER: Well, I ... don't know about "love." I mean, we've only been seeing each other for a month.
NILES: But you could see yourself falling in love with her.
FRASIER: Possibly.
NILES: Sometime down the line.
FRASIER: Yes, yes, perhaps.
NILES: Well, no wonder you're heartbroken. You've just lost the only woman you could even possibly, sometime down the line, perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one.

++++++++

NILES: Don't punish yourself, Frasier. At least you're deep enough to realize you're shallow.

"Perspectives on Christmas"

NILES: (to MARTIN)  Why don't you start here, with "O night" (gives pitch on piano)  and I want to hear you really attack the note. (MARTIN sings the phrase and cracks horribly on the high note)  Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.

"Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name"

NILES: There's a wonderful lecture series on the history of modern lecture series.

++++++++

NILES: I gave Maris her birthday saddle. She was so thrilled, she treated me to a little Lady Godiva impression.
FRASIER: Oh, my.
NILES: Apparently, the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream. It created a powerful apoxy.
FRASIER: Oh, dear.
NILES: Yes. It took an hour and a full bottle of nail polish remover to get her free. Today, her poor little thighs were so raw, the only way she could find comfort was to straddle a frozen Butterball turkey.

++++++++

NILES: At this point, I'd just as soon be by myself. My brother has abandoned me, my wife is cursing my name. Tonight, when Orpheus descends into hell, I'll be there waiting for him with a fruit basket.

"Ain't Nobody's Business if I Do"

NILES: But – but – what do we even call her?
FRASIER: Well, I suppose she'll want us to call her "Mother." No, no, that's too formal. No, "Mama." No, "Ma."
NILES: Oh, better still. "Don't you look nice, Ma. Yes, I'd love another corn dog, Ma.  Off to the roller derby, MA?!"

"The Zoo Story"

NILES: You must forgive my jolly mood, but Maris was over tonight for our weekly conjugal visit.
MARTIN: Oh, geez.
NILES: I've never seen her looking so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings – which she tends to avoid, as they make her head droop.

"The Maris Counselor"

NILES: Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.
MARTIN: Geez, I didn't need to hear that!
NILES: Oh, no, no, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark; I thought he was Maris.
FRASIER: It's a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?
NILES: The heat from her side of the bed.

"The Ski Lodge"

NILES: I grant you, she's comely. But don't you find her a tad – what would the polite euphemism be – stupid?
FRASIER: Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle. You find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a "ball" in no time!
NILES: Leave it to you to put the pig back in Pygmalion.

"Room Service"

FRASIER: Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
NILES: Oh. That explains why blood was pouring through all my faucets this morning.
FRASIER: Well, go easy on her. Her husband has left her ... and get this ... for a man.
NILES: Damn! I owe Dad five dollars.

++++++++

LILITH: Niles. Sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
NILES: (pointedly)  Ditto.

++++++++

FRASIER: Niles! Niles!
NILES: Did I do it again?
FRASIER: Yes. You fell asleep with your cheek right against the ice tray!
NILES: Oh, that's so strange. I dreamed I was tangoing with Maris.

++++++++

(NILES and LILITH  wake up in bed together, both horrified)
LILITH: My God! What did we do, what did we do?!
NILES: Well, first you put your—
LILITH: I know what we did, what do we do now?!
NILES: Let's try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. Every day in Arkansas!!

++++++++

NILES: Now I remember ordering this. It's the breakfast I always have after a night of passion.
LILITH: Eggs Benedict? That's very rich.
NILES: I only have it once a year.

++++++++

NILES: If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was about two people ruled by very powerful superegos – tortured by them – who found a chance, however misguided, to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softy, but that's how I see it.

"Frasier Gotta Have It"

NILES: I'm not condemning you for your little ... fling.
FRASIER: Oh, for God's sake.
NILES: Just don't try to pass it off as something deeper than it is. The only thing you two have in common is the faint impression of the word "Sealy" on your backsides.

++++++++

NILES: Frasier, I owe you an apology. You two are perfectly compatible. How long will it be before we're all standing outside a wedding chapel pelting you both with whole grain brown rice?

++++++++

FRASIER: Haven't you ever heard of opposites attracting? Where I am worldly, Caitlin is – unspoiled.
NILES: Rather remarkable, given her terror of preservatives.

"First Date"

FRASIER: Ooh, Niles, you'd be smart to get out of here. Dad's dragging me to a wake for my god-uncle Charlie.
NILES: Is he the one who used to plop his eyeball into his mashed potatoes and say, "I'm watching what I eat"?

"Roz and the Schnoz"

NILES: I want to prove that I'm strong and independent, and I can't do that alone.

"The Life of the Party"

NILES: Excuse me, Frasier.
FRASIER: Not now, Niles. I'm telling Vicky my recipe for crèpes gâteau.
NILES: Oh, well, I'm sure she's had enough of your crèpe by now.

"Party, Party"

NILES: Frasier, I have to ask a small favor. I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe.

"Sweet Dreams"

FRASIER: Daphne, I am ... so sorry. I feel just terrible.
DAPHNE: As you should. You left me handcuffed and helpless.
NILES: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me. (beat)  For help.

Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Four

     Again, all the quotes were taken directly from the DVDs and checked multiple times for accuracy.

     I've noticed something rather interesting while doing this series. With each successive season, Niles' one-line zingers become fewer and farther between. The character doesn't get less funny, however; I think he gets funnier as the series progresses. But his funniness evolves from one-line zingers to more character-driven reactions, both verbal and physical, as well as situations. Also, many of the biggest laughs are generated not by the lines themselves, but by David Hyde Pierce's reading of them. His delivery and timing make them even funnier than they are on the page.

     There are six episodes in this season from which I didn't extract any quotes at all: "Our Father, Whose Art Ain't Heaven," "Three Days of the Condo," "Roz's Krantz and Gouldenstein Are Dead," "Roz's Turn," "Are You Being Served?", and "Ask Me No Questions." The reason is not that Niles wasn't funny in them; in fact "Are You Being Served?" is one of the funniest Niles-focused episodes in all of Frasier.  But I couldn't lift individual quotes from it or the other five, because they simply weren't that funny out of context. They're hilarious when one watches the scene in which they occur, and when one actually hears and sees them delivered with Pierce's consummate comic skill.

     All that being said, Niles still has undeniably great quotable lines in the later seasons. I'll also be lifting his more poignant, heart-wrenching lines for this blog series. After all, Niles, like all great comic characters, is multi-dimensional; and David Hyde Pierce, like all great comedic actors, can make you cry as easily as he makes you laugh.

 

"The Two Mrs. Cranes"

 

MARTIN: Come on, they're great guys. Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim ... course, his name's not really Jim. We call him that 'cuz he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank "Bud" 'cuz he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys.

NILES: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it.

 

"Love Bites Dog"

 

FRASIER: (reading NILES' advertisement copy)  "Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts." Well ... just excellent, Niles. (sarcastically) All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon with you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head.

NILES: Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.

 

"The Impossible Dream"

 

FRASIER: (describing a dream)  It's a bit hazy, but it starts out in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.

NILES: Interesting.

FRASIER: Yes, well ... I roll over and discover on my forearm a tattoo, the word "Chesty."

NILES: Interesting.

FRASIER: Yes, and then the shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps ... a man. (beat)  All right, go ahead, let me have it.

NILES: Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?

 

"A Crane's Critique"

 

NILES: I've always idolized him. What I wouldn't give to meet that man!

ROZ: Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?

NILES: I can't just walk up to a god like that.

ROZ: Well, find a subtler way.

NILES: In your vernacular, that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?

*****

NILES: You know very well that in 1982 there was a drought in Bourgogne. The locals dubbed it "The Year of the Raisin."

 

"Head Game"

 

FRASIER: Listen, Niles, I'd – I'd like you to do my show for me for the week I'm gone.

NILES: Me, standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier, I couldn't presume to fill those big, floppy red shoes of yours.

FRASIER: Please, please, Niles. Look, I'm begging you. The station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as "Ma Nature." She does a gardening show, and I'm just little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.

NILES: It hasn't yet.

*****

BASKETBALL PLAYER: Well, you see, for the last two weeks, every time I get my hands on the pill, I choke.

NILES: Well, have you tried mashing it with a spoon?

*****

NILES: We'll start with a positive visualization. I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath ... good. Now, I want you to imagine yourself on the playing surface, doing whatever it is you actually do. Tell me what you see.

BASKETBALL PLAYER: Okay, uh ... Kemp's passing me the ball ... I'm bringing it up court ... I'm dribbling ...

NILES: Don't worry about your appearance.

*****

BASKETBALL PLAYER: Hey, hey, hey, N. C.! You made it!

NILES: I beg your pardon? Oh, "N. C." I thought you said "Nancy." For a second, it was prep school all over again.

 

"Mixed Doubles"

 

NILES: Perhaps I'll take that brandy.

FRASIER: Yes, all right, uh ... Niles, you know, before you do something this rash, perhaps you should consider it from all angles.

NILES: I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles.

*****

FRASIER: I'm just ... just not sure if this is the right timing.

NILES: No, no, if you're trying to rattle me, it's not going to work. I've been rehearsing this for months. "Daphne, there's something I need to talk to you about ... it's a matter of ... Daphne ... for a long time now, I, uh ... you and I, uh ... we ...." Exactly how's the brandy getting here, by St. Bernard?!

*****

NILES: I know I don't have your total support in this, but ... how shall I put this?

FRASIER: You don't care?

NILES: If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" into there, you'd have it.

*****

NILES: (to ROZ, entering a singles bar)  Well, I'm here. I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing mismatched socks, and I'm so nervous, I could wet myself.

*****

NILES: Oh, spare me, you ludicrous popinjay!

*****

DAPHNE: If it had been a different time in both our lives, we  might actually have met [in the singles bar]. How do you suppose that would have gone?

NILES: What, our conversation?

DAPHNE: Yes. Go on, just for fun. We could both use a smile.

NILES: Uh, well, I ... I would have said, "Is this seat taken?" And, uh, you would have said, "No." And you would have said, "My name is Daphne," and I would have said, "My name is Niles." And then I would have said ... "What are you doing for the rest of your life?"

DAPHNE: (laughing)  You always know just the right thing to say. Oh, I love ya, Dr. Crane.

NILES: (beat)  I love you, too, Daphne.

 

"A Lilith Thanksgiving"

 

FRASIER: Her husband is off in New Zealand exploring a volcano.

MARTIN: Why couldn't she go with him?

NILES: Because if she accidentally fell in, the shock wave from the hottest thing in nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the earth in two.

*****

NILES: When are you going to learn, Dad? The only thing [sic] the Crane boys are skilled at catching is [sic] sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus.

 

"Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine"

 

FRASIER: What article did you win for?

NILES: A gripping case history of a narcissistic opera singer. I called it "Me, Me, Me, Me, Me."

*****

SHERRY: Oh, I love making people laugh! To me, humor is like medicine.

NILES: (aside, to FRASIER)  Guess we're in the placebo group.

*****

SHERRY: My mama always used to say to me, "Honey, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone." It's true!

MARTIN: (laughing)  Yeah!

SHERRY: Well, Mama had lots of sayings like that.

NILES: I didn't know Mae West had children.

*****

DAPHNE: You know, I keep meaning to ask – what's that lovely perfume you're wearing?

FRASIER: Yes, I've been wondering that myself.

SHERRY: It's called Milady's Boudoir. You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is. For a hundred bucks, I could buy enough to drown myself in!

NILES: (aside, to FRASIER)  I've got sixty.

 

"Liar, Liar"

 

(NILES and FRASIER are accidentally wearing identical suits and shoes)

NILES: Well, why don't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's build?!

*****

NILES: You're not going down to the jail!

FRASIER: Yes, I am. And I invite you to join me.

NILES: Oh, yes, that's a good idea, Frasier – the Crane boys going to a prison in matching outfits.

 

"Death and the Dog"

 

NILES: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school, and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? Mozart'll tell me he's busy, but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln.

 

"Four for the Seesaw"

 

NILES: Yes, and just the mention of a double-bowl, stainless steel sink with integral drain boards makes me hum like a subzero freezer.

 

"To Kill a Talking Bird"

 

FRASIER: Niles, why would you even want to live in such a stodgy building? You know, when I applied there, they treated me like I was riffraff.

NILES: Well, if you're going to ask and answer your own questions, what do you need me for?

*****

FRASIER: You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.

NILES: Well, that's because he knows you.

FRASIER: Oh! Fan of my show?

NILES: No. He lives in your  building.

*****

FRASIER: I've taken myself off the dating circuit. I'm afraid I was getting a bit desperate.

NILES: Well, I was a bit concerned when you called to ask if Gloria was our first or second cousin.

 

"The Unnatural"

 

FRASIER: (looking at an old photograph)  Niles, refresh my memory. Why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists?

NILES: Oh, you've forgotten. That Halloween, we went as the Bay of Pigs.

*****

FRASIER: Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?

NILES: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

 

"Ham Radio"

 

FRASIER: Anyway, I spoke with the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired, "Nightmare Inn."

MARTIN: Oh, don't tell me, I know – a bunch of people get caught in a storm and everbody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.

FRASIER: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.

NILES: Oh, so we can stop wondering.

 

"Three Dates and a Breakup"

 

ROZ: Hey, at least I try to keep in shape. I haven't seen either one of you two try to run an eight-minute mile.

NILES: Stand upwind of us, and you might.

*****

NILES: Well, her lips said, "No," but her eyes said, "Read my lips."

*****

FRASIER: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet! I'm catnip!

NILES: I think I feel a furball coming up.

 

"Daphne Hates Sherry"

 

DAPHNE: I mean, I've been keeping myself on the shelf lately. I'm feeling a little like the good china.

NILES: Someone should be eating off you every day.

*****

NILES: Actually, Maris never held hands. She had a slight webbing that made her self-conscious.

 

"Odd Man Out"

 

MARTIN: Oh, you can't really judge what a person's like just from the voice.

NILES: That's true. I was once told that I sounded – imagine the impertinence – "uptight."

*****

FRASIER: I always liked the name Laura.

MARTIN: Hey, Frasier, you know, that was gonna be your name if you were a girl.

FRASIER: Really?

MARTIN: Yeah. Your mother always wanted Priscilla, but I never liked the nickname Prissy.

NILES: I never much cared for it, either.

*****

NILES: I met someone once, flying home from college. I got bumped into first class and found myself sitting next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older, and I was trying desperately to be suave; so when she leaned over and suggested we join the mile-high club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." God, that was twenty years ago. (wry chuckle)  Nope, still can't laugh about it.



Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Three

These quotes have been transcribed directly from the DVDs and have been checked multiple times for accuracy.

"She's the Boss"

NILES: How did she know it wasn't a real gun? It fooled the servants. Even the ones who spent years fleeing juntas.

 

"Shrink Rap"

FRASIER: You don't have to speak for me, Niles. I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.

NILES: Yes, I know. Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice.

***

FRASIER: Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that smell of the office place - freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee, the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below ...

NILES: Actually, that's the lab next door. They lost power last night and some of their tissue samples turned.

***

FRASIER: (addressing Niles' therapy group)  I'll just be observing today. I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet, so just pretend I'm not here.

NILES: And good luck with that.

***

NILES: (to his therapy group)  You'll all find my brother is quite deft with these peppy little bromides. "Panacea for the pain." One can almost hear the phrase, "We'll be right back after these words from Pringles."

***

NILES: How dare you try to steal my group!

FRASIER: I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!

NILES: Oh, yes, your legions!  Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint, and call it "Frasierstock"?!

 

"Martin Does It His Way"

NILES: I'm sorry, I don't mean to quibble, but it seems like your heart is always going either highdee-heydee, ringy-dingy, or scooby-dooby.

MARTIN: Look, I don't need another critic.

NILES: Fine. Perhaps a cardiologist.

 

"Leapin' Lizards"

MARTIN: You listen to Bulldog's program?

NILES: Yes, Dad. I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.

***

NILES: You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, I happen to have one at the house. Last year, a disgruntled servant left one on Maris' dining room chair. Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted when my little fawn proved too light to activate it.

 

"Kisses Sweeter than Wine"

JOE the CONTRACTOR: I'll have it done by noon.

FRASIER: Splendid.

NILES: I told you he was good. We're talking about a man who satisfied Maris - something that's still regrettably on my "to do" list.

***

NILES: I didn't do it for me, I did it for her. She deserves a doctor or a lawyer, someone for whom a t-shirt is an undergarment.

***

NILES: You have to ask Daphne out again.

JOE: Are you nuts? You heard what she said.

NILES: Yes, but if you ask her again, she'll say yes.

JOE: Hey, maybe I've changed my mind.

NILES: Oh, no, you haven't changed your mind. You're just letting masculine vanity and hurt feelings keep you from something that other men can only dream of in their oxblood Cetus leather wing-back chairs with the lights off.

JOE: Look, Dr. Crane, I just don't think it would work out, okay?

NILES: No, it's not okay. If you had ever smelled her hair ... you'd know she's worth at least one more try. She is an angel. She is a goddess. and she's waiting for you in the bathroom.

 

"Sleeping with the Enemy"

NILES: You know, there is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris. Remember when our stable boy Joaquim's appendix burst? She had him driven back to the border at her own personal expense.

***

DAPHNE: I'm no stranger to that feeling meself. It can strike without warning. And you don't know who it will be. Why, you could be standing next to a person month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off. There's a word for it ...

NILES: Hope?

***

FRASIER: I was standing in front of her desk, like so. She was facing me. Niles, you be Kate.

NILES: I will not.

FRASIER: Look, just stand up.

NILES: I'm always the girl! In every prep school play I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie - well, no more, I'm through with it. When do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.?

 

"The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl"

NILES: Oh, look at the time. I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry. If I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.

***

NILES: I listened to your program as I was driving home last night. Here's a bill to replace the front grill of my Mercedes, and a second to replace the back bumper of some wretched little domestic car.

 

"The Last Time I Saw Maris"

FRASIER: Excuse me - she's been missing for three days, and you're just panic-stricken now?

NILES: I only just realized it. The last two nights, I knocked on Maris' bedroom door to wish her good night, and I was greeted with a chilly silence, so naturally I assumed everything was status quo.

***

NILES: Maris ordered me to get my stuff out of there by sundown, or else she'd turn it over to a church bazaar. Oh, oh! And - I got these jeans! Right? Right? And I'm starting a goatee, and I'm thinking of joining a gym, but I don't know whether aerobics or weight training is the quickest route to buff. Any thoughts?

 

"Frasier Grinch"

MARTIN: (to FRASIER)  Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember? I wanted you to love baseball. I wanted to get you a bat and glove, everything, for Christmas. But you had your mind set on a microscope, so that's what I got you.

NILES: And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time looking for rodent hairs in your hot dog.

 

"It's Hard to Say Goodbye if You Won't Leave"

NILES: You know, that's the improper use of a hyphen.

MARTIN: Somehow, I don't think Morrie Dingman will mind.

NILES: Well, then, I'm sure he won't notice that missing comma and that run-on sentence. Although, this is a particularly glaring error: it's best not to end a sentence with a preposition. (MARTIN writes something in large letters)  Not to be technical, but "off" is a preposition, too.

***

DAPHNE: Well, if you think so much of her, why don't you ask her out?

FRASIER: Well, we agreed we wouldn't pursue things. And, frankly, she hasn't given me any indication since that she's even had a second thought about me.

NILES: Added to which, if Frasier did  pursue her and she rejected him, he could hardly rationalize it by saying, "She doesn't know what she's missing." She would know exactly what she's missing. She just didn't miss it.

 

"The Friend"

FRASIER: You know, Dad, I did have friends in college and back in Boston. It's only since I moved back to Seattle that I've started falling back on Niles.

NILES: Ooooh - "falling back on Niles."

FRASIER: Oh, Niles, you know what I mean. Settling for what's comfortable and familiar. My God, you and I can go out together and I know what you're thinking before you even say it.

NILES: Well, then, I'm sorry you had to hear that, Frasier.

 

"Moon Dance"

MARTIN: You know, Niles, I think your problem is you still think of yourself as that same geeky kid you were in high school. But you've come a long way since then. And you're not doing yourself any favors staying home every night. Now, just think about it.

NILES: (whines)

DAPHNE: Wine, Dr. Crane?

NILES: Well, wouldn't you?

***

DAPHNE: Step towards me, then bring your right forward and over, and slide the left over to meet it. Then the right foot goes back, the left back and over, and the right slides next to it, and that's it. All right, once again. One-two-three, a-two-two-three, a-three-two-three, a-four-two-three.

NILES: This is boring, yet difficult.

***

MARTIN: Come on, Niles, you think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?

NILES: What are you implying?

MARTIN: You know damn well what I'm implying. Take my word for it. You're sticking a fork in a toaster here.

NILES: Well, my muffin's stuck.

***

MARTIN: There was this pretty coroner in the city morgue. I always had a bit of a crush on her. Whenever we'd find a dead body I'd yell out, "Okay, boys, I'll take it from here!" So this one night, I invited her down to the corner bar.

NILES: Coroners have their own bars?

***

NILES: Uh, just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

DAPHNE: You know, when I was at school, I knew a boy named Niles, and I called him Niley.

NILES: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

 

"The Show where Diane Shows Up"

NILES: Are you still in love with her?

FRASIER: No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion!

NILES: Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial," I'll move on.

 

"A Word to the Wiseguy"

MARTIN: I hope everything works out for you, but I think the law should be the same for everyone.

NILES: Well, it's not. We'd all like to believe justice is blind, but the sad truth is, wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake.

***

ROZ: You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops.

NILES: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.

***

NILES: How can I repay you?

ROZ: The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life or what I'm wearing, keep it to yourself.

NILES: (his eyes sweep over ROZ's outfit)  Consider it done.

 

"Look before You Leap"

NILES: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.

FRASIER: Oh, Niles ...

NILES: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can  bet he's not gettin' any.

***

NILES: You just don't want me to have sex because you're  not having any.

FRASIER: I most certainly am, too!

NILES: Your lips say yes, but your cuticles speak volumes.

 

"High Crane Drifter"

NILES: And even worse, after I'd left the car off at the body shop, the rental agency didn't have a single luxury car left. They stuck me with some vehicle I believe they call a "hunchback."

FRASIER: No, I think that would be a hatchback, Niles.

NILES: It's painted panic-button red, and has a large rear window that pops open.

FRASIER: Oh, that would be the hatchback.

NILES: Oh. Well, there's a novel idea. Name the car after its most hideous feature. I presume it was a toss-up between "hatchback" and "what's that odor coming from the floor?"

***

NILES: Oh, there he is. The man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera.

***

MARTIN: This is my favorite part: "With one swift move, the good doctor hoisted the miscreant out on his ear, declaring, 'What you need is an etiquette lesson!'" I love that! You've got your own tough guy catch phrase!

NILES: It's perfect for you, Frasier. Dirty Harry meets Emily Post.

***

NILES: Oh, for God's sake, Frasier, don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from penis envy!

 

"Crane vs. Crane"

DAPHNE: Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's boxing match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.

NILES: Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.

 

"Where there's Smoke, there's Fired"

FRASIER: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. It's just that, uh, the station's been sold. I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. I must admit, she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.

NILES: Oh, really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.

***

ROZ: You're clipping coupons?

NILES: I'm economizing.

ROZ: Oh, well, it's about time. You spend money like a drunken sailor.

NILES: She said authoritatively.

***

NILES: I just discovered a place called Price Busters Warehouse. You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary, and they have a huge selection. I found french fries and french doors in the same aisle.

 

"Frasier Loves Roz"

NILES: (referring to a womanizing patient he's spotted in the cafe)  Oh - now serving 151!

FRASIER: Good God! He's here to see Roz?

NILES: Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.

 

"The Focus Group"

FRASIER: Niles, what was that all about?

NILES: I'm not sure, but, oh, mama, it was glorious! Blood pounding, sarcastic zingers flying ... !

FRASIER: Are you saying that you enjoyed  fighting with Daphne?

NILES: Every exhilarating moment! It was pure, unbridled passion. I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead! Oh, oh, why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls? It's wonderful!

 

"You Can Go Home Again"

NILES: I've been dealing with him all by myself ever since Mom died. Now it's your turn. So, welcome home, prodigal son!

MARTIN: (o.s.)  You guys want some pork rinds?

NILES: And that's as close as you're going to get to a fatted calf.