"The Dish Ran Away with the Spoon"
DAPHNE: What's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an ex-fiancé, a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
NILES: Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.
DAPHNE: Then there's Canada. A fresh start, a chance for adventure.
NILES: Grizzly bears.
+++++MEL: Here's the watch I was going to give you as wedding gift. Please wear it when we're together.
NILES: It's, uh— (sees something engraved on the watch)
MEL: Yes, it said "Forever yours." I-I scratched it out with a screwdriver.
NILES: There's something else crudely carved here, but .... Ah. Well. At least you were able to use that "F" from "Forever."
+++++NILES: Pigeons? I don't like pigeons. They have no respect for public art.
"The Bad Son"
DAPHNE: How are you holding up? Is that spider still around?
NILES: Oh, I think he's realized he's more afraid of me than I am of him. (panicked) He's not in his corner! He's not in his corner!
"The Great Crane Robbery"
NILES: Daphne, I know it's difficult. But once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want—Paris, Florence, Rio—
DAPHNE: How about my room, to fold laundry?
NILES: I hear it's lovely this time of year.
+++++MEL: At the intermission, invariably, some board member will come over to say hello, and I want you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him.
NILES: That is unthinkable! I have a reputation in this town, and nothing will make me behave that way.
MEL: Well, it looks like we're going to be married for a long, long time.
NILES: (taking a moment to consider, then coolly) I'll see you at Schwanda der Dudelsackpfeiffer.
FERGUSON: Sherry, Dr. Crane?
NILES: Oh, thank you, Ferguson, but even as we speak I have a bottle of Veuve Cliquot chilling in my apartment, and you know the old caution: "Champagne after sherry makes tummy grow wary!"
MARTIN: Hope Eddie wasn't a lot of trouble.
NILES: Please, Dad, he was the perfect houseguest.
MARTIN: Well, give me the details. Did he eat?
NILES: Oh, like a horse!
MARTIN: Slept well?
NILES: Like a log!
MARTIN: Was he regular?
NILES: We're done here, Dad.
DAPHNE: You always smell so masculine after you've finished exercising.
NILES: Oh. (suavely) It's the mango-kiwi shower gel.
FRASIER: Now, now, ladies—Niles and I are no strangers to the automobile. Niles, let's have a look. I'll pop the hood.
NILES: That won't void the warranty, will it?
+++++FRASIER: We became back row hooligans, Niles. The very students we hated back in school.
NILES: I always thought they were just mean. Now I realize they were simply acting out of frustration.
FRASIER: So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you. He was mad at Pythagoras.
NILES: Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.
FRASIER: Gosh, Niles, you making that basket tonight was truly astonishing. And what's even more unbelievable is that you are now the proud owner of a rugged, ram-tough, all-terrain pickup truck!
NILES: It occurred to me we could use it to go antique-ing.
PATIENT: So you don't think I have a germ phobia?
NILES: Not at all. Just a healthy sense of personal hygiene. Ah— (handing the patient a card) Here is the number of the man who cleans my telephones.
+++++NILES: Actually, wait, Daphne. I-I'm gonna pass on dinner.
DAPHNE: Oh, it's no trouble.
NILES: No, I know. It's just that ... I don't really care for your cooking.
NILES: Well ... you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking—at all. Bad, bad cook!
+++++NILES: Well, then I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know, and by the way, neither can you!
DAPHNE: Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?
NILES: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
+++++FRASIER: So how are things with you and Daphne, hm?
(NILES only smiles)FRASIER: (to the waiter) Thank you. (beat) Niles, is everything okay?
(NILES merely looks at him, still smiling)FRASIER: (with the light of understanding) Ah.
NILES: You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I imagined it.
"Semi-Decent Proposal / A Passing Fancy"
NILES: You know, if anyone's technologically challenged, it's you.
FRASIER: (to CLAIRE ) He's a bit defensive.
(FRASIER says something to CLAIRE in German, to which she responds in German)NILES: You thought your CD-Rom drive was a cup holder.
(CLAIRE moves away)
FRASIER: Thanks a lot! I was interested in her!
NILES: Well, how was I supposed to know?
FRASIER: I was speaking German.
NILES: Oh, yes. The language of love.