Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Eight

All quotes were lifted from the DVDs and have been thoroughly checked for accuracy.

"The Dish Ran Away with the Spoon"

DAPHNE:  What's left for us in Seattle? Ex-wives, an ex-fiancé, a tangled mess of bitterness and hurt feelings.
NILES:  Yes, but an excellent symphony and world-class dining.
DAPHNE:  Then there's Canada. A fresh start, a chance for adventure.
NILES:  Grizzly bears.

+++++

MEL:  Here's the watch I was going to give you as wedding gift. Please wear it when we're together.
NILES:  It's, uh— (sees something engraved on the watch)
MEL:  Yes, it said "Forever yours." I-I scratched it out with a screwdriver.
NILES:  There's something else crudely carved here, but .... Ah. Well. At least you were able to use that "F" from "Forever."

+++++

NILES:  Pigeons? I don't like pigeons. They have no respect for public art.

"The Bad Son"

DAPHNE:  How are you holding up? Is that spider still around?
NILES:  Oh, I think he's realized he's more afraid of me than I am of him. (panicked) He's not in his corner! He's not in his corner!

"The Great Crane Robbery"

NILES:  Daphne, I know it's difficult. But once she gives me that divorce, we can go anywhere we want—Paris, Florence, Rio—
DAPHNE:  How about my room, to fold laundry?
NILES:  I hear it's lovely this time of year.

+++++

MEL:  At the intermission, invariably, some board member will come over to say hello, and I want you to fly into a jealous rage and throw a drink at him.
NILES:  That is unthinkable! I have a reputation in this town, and nothing will make me behave that way.
MEL:  Well, it looks like we're going to be married for a long, long time.
NILES:  (taking a moment to consider, then coolly)  I'll see you at Schwanda der Dudelsackpfeiffer.

"Taking Liberties"

FERGUSON:  Sherry, Dr. Crane?
NILES:  Oh, thank you, Ferguson, but even as we speak I have a bottle of Veuve Cliquot chilling in my apartment, and you know the old caution: "Champagne after sherry makes tummy grow wary!"

"The Friend"

MARTIN:  Hope Eddie wasn't a lot of trouble.
NILES:  Please, Dad, he was the perfect houseguest.
MARTIN:  Well, give me the details. Did he eat?
NILES:  Oh, like a horse!
MARTIN:  Slept well?
NILES:  Like a log!
MARTIN:  Was he regular?
NILES:  We're done here, Dad.

"Cranes Unplugged"

DAPHNE:  You always smell so masculine after you've finished exercising.
NILES:  Oh. (suavely)  It's the mango-kiwi shower gel.

"Motor Skills"

FRASIER:  Now, now, ladies—Niles and I are no strangers to the automobile. Niles, let's have a look. I'll pop the hood.
NILES:  That won't void the warranty, will it?

+++++

FRASIER:  We became back row hooligans, Niles. The very students we hated back in school.
NILES:  I always thought they were just mean. Now I realize they were simply acting out of frustration.
FRASIER:  So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you. He was mad at Pythagoras.
NILES:  Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.

"Hooping Cranes"

FRASIER:  Gosh, Niles, you making that basket tonight was truly astonishing. And what's even more unbelievable is that you are now the proud owner of a rugged, ram-tough, all-terrain pickup truck!
NILES:  It occurred to me we could use it to go antique-ing.

"Daphne Returns"

PATIENT:  So you don't think I have a germ phobia?
NILES:  Not at all. Just a healthy sense of personal hygiene. Ah— (handing the patient a card)  Here is the number of the man who cleans my telephones.

+++++

NILES:  Actually, wait, Daphne. I-I'm gonna pass on dinner.
DAPHNE:  Oh, it's no trouble.
NILES:  No, I know. It's just that ... I don't really care for your cooking.
DAPHNE:  What?
NILES:  Well ... you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking—at all. Bad, bad cook!

+++++

NILES:  Well, then I don't know what you want! I can't read minds, you know, and by the way, neither can you!
DAPHNE:  Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?
NILES:  Not if you thought I loved your cooking!

+++++

FRASIER:  So how are things with you and Daphne, hm?

(NILES  only smiles)

FRASIER:  (to the waiter) Thank you. (beat) Niles, is everything okay?

(NILES merely looks at him, still smiling)

FRASIER:  (with the light of understanding) Ah.
NILES:  You know the best part, Frasier? It wasn't at all like I imagined it.

"Semi-Decent Proposal / A Passing Fancy"

NILES:  You know, if anyone's technologically challenged, it's you.
FRASIER:  (to CLAIRE ) He's a bit defensive.

(FRASIER says something to CLAIRE in German, to which she responds in German) 

NILES:  You thought your CD-Rom drive was a cup holder.

(CLAIRE  moves away)

FRASIER:  Thanks a lot! I was interested in her!

NILES:  Well, how was I supposed to know?

FRASIER:  I was speaking German.

NILES:  Oh, yes. The language of love.