Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Ten

All quotes were lifted directly from the DVDs and checked multiple times for accuracy.

"The Ring Cycle"

DAPHNE :  Well, I'd better go and figure out what to pack for the honeymoon!
NILES :  I'm just bringing sunscreen.

"Enemy at the Gate"

ANGRY MAN :  Only rich people have time for this kind of crap! Just pay the two bucks, Mr. B.M.W.!
FRASIER :  My income and the style of car which I drive are irrelevant. Isn't that so, Niles?
NILES :  Yes. I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.

"Room with a View"

NILES :  (groggily)  Oh, now, Daphne—you know all the important papers are in my top left-hand drawer—
DAPHNE :  Let's not talk about that right now. You just relax.
NILES :  Okay, Daphne. You know, Daphne—they do these procedures hundreds of times.
DAPHNE :  I know.
NILES :  Okay. It's practically routine, Daphne.
DAPHNE :  Why do you keep saying my name?
NILES :  I just want to say it as many times as I can. Daphne.

"Don't Go Breaking My Heart"

NILES :  Did you hear what the conductor did to the Andante? I just hope he bought it dinner first.

++++++++

DAPHNE :  What happened? Are you all right?
NILES :  (out of breath)  Yes ... I just jumped into bed with your mother.
DAPHNE :  Oh, dear. No wonder she screamed.
NILES :  That wasn't her.

"We Two Kings"

NILES :  We were hoping to borrow your wassail bowl.
FRASIER :  Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. I've already loaned it to Lawrence Emerson and his madrigal caroling group.
NILES :  Well, you can kiss that bowl goodbye. Frasier, the YuleTones are the bad boys of Renaissance Christmas music.

"Door Jam"

NILES :  I think I'll have the aroma therapy Swedish.
FRASIER :  Oh, Niles—look at this bounty. Take a risk! Be a man!
NILES :  The chardonnay rose hips salt glow?

"The Harrassed"

NILES :  I was hoping to come here and complain about my office remodel. I'm annexing the dermatologist's office next door, and in a cheap irony, my skin is breaking out.
FRASIER :  Ah, your spackle allergy again?
NILES :  I'm covered with tiny bumps. It's worse than the summer we added the breakfast nook to the treehouse.

"Kenny on the Couch"

DAPHNE :  If you want to learn yoga, why do we need some fancy private teacher? There are classes we could take together down at the Y.
NILES :  Yes, and afterwards, there are anti-fungal lotions we can use together, too.

++++++++

NILES :  You're seeing patients again?
FRASIER :  Well, just this one for the last three weeks. Very challenging case, too. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses, and a phobia or two.
NILES :  Sounds to me like you've hit the crackpot!

"Roe to Perdition"

FRASIER :  (holding a jar of Baluga caviar)  You really must try this, Niles.
NILES :  (tasting a spoonful)  It's like being kissed by a lusty mermaid!

"Some Assembly Required"

DAPHNE :  (to MARTIN, furious) Well, I told [Mum] we will not tolerate this inconsiderate behavior anymore! If she wants to be part of this household, she has to get off her lazy bum and help out around the house! How did I put it, Niles?
NILES :  I couldn't hear you; I was in the panic room. But you looked very forceful on the monitor.

++++++++

NILES :  Dad, are you sure you want to do this? I spoke at a Career Day once.  It was a disaster—all the taunting and yelling. I haven't been so afraid of third graders since ninth grade.

++++++++

NILES :  (to an assembly of fourth graders)  Is influenza cool? Is scarlet fever cool? Do you have any idea how many germs there are on just one finger? Yes, that finger, for example.

"Farewell, Nervosa"

NILES :  (apprasing the decor of a new café)  Well, they found a way to bring the charm of an airport to a midtown location.

"The Devil and Dr. Phil"

NILES :  I think I've figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the apocalypse.

"Fathers and Sons"

NILES :  (to DAPHNE over the phone)  Okay, so "Delilah" is out? No, no, that's fine, that's fine. What are your ideas? ... Taylor ... uh-huh ... Fletcher ... Cooper ... Tanner .... Where are you getting these, The Big Book of Medieval Professions ?

"Analyzed Kiss"

FRASIER :  A gun show? What's next, square dancing?
NILES :  Maybe. This country was built by gun-totin' square dancers.

++++++++

NILES :  Oh, I can't believe you two. You're always telling me my friends are too artsy and too snooty. Now I finally have friends who are regular guys, and you don't like them, either? Well, I'm having a good time, and I'm enjoying being a regular guy myself.
MARTIN :  Niles, we think they want to overthrow the government.
NILES :  That's what you say about public television.

"A New Position for Roz"

NILES :  (to GERTRUDE )  We've decided to start trying to get pregnant.
GERTRUDE :  (snidely)  Oh, well, I'm glad you think you can. I was beginning to think there might be something wrong with your equipment, Niles.
NILES :  Oh, were you? Well here's more news: you're out of the house, so pack your bags and find another sucker.