Again, all the quotes were taken directly from the DVDs and checked multiple times for accuracy.
I've noticed something rather interesting while doing this series. With each successive season, Niles' one-line zingers become fewer and farther between. The character doesn't get less funny, however; I think he gets funnier as the series progresses. But his funniness evolves from one-line zingers to more character-driven reactions, both verbal and physical, as well as situations. Also, many of the biggest laughs are generated not by the lines themselves, but by David Hyde Pierce's reading of them. His delivery and timing make them even funnier than they are on the page.
There are six episodes in this season from which I didn't extract any quotes at all: "Our Father, Whose Art Ain't Heaven," "Three Days of the Condo," "Roz's Krantz and Gouldenstein Are Dead," "Roz's Turn," "Are You Being Served?", and "Ask Me No Questions." The reason is not that Niles wasn't funny in them; in fact "Are You Being Served?" is one of the funniest Niles-focused episodes in all of Frasier. But I couldn't lift individual quotes from it or the other five, because they simply weren't that funny out of context. They're hilarious when one watches the scene in which they occur, and when one actually hears and sees them delivered with Pierce's consummate comic skill.
All that being said, Niles still has undeniably great quotable lines in the later seasons. I'll also be lifting his more poignant, heart-wrenching lines for this blog series. After all, Niles, like all great comic characters, is multi-dimensional; and David Hyde Pierce, like all great comedic actors, can make you cry as easily as he makes you laugh.
"The Two Mrs. Cranes"
MARTIN: Come on, they're great guys. Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim ... course, his name's not really Jim. We call him that 'cuz he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank "Bud" 'cuz he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys.
NILES: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it.
"Love Bites Dog"
FRASIER: (reading NILES' advertisement copy) "Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts." Well ... just excellent, Niles. (sarcastically) All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon with you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head.
NILES: Sorry, I didn't hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.
"The Impossible Dream"
FRASIER: (describing a dream) It's a bit hazy, but it starts out in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.
NILES: Interesting.
FRASIER: Yes, well ... I roll over and discover on my forearm a tattoo, the word "Chesty."
NILES: Interesting.
FRASIER: Yes, and then the shower turns off and out from the bathroom steps ... a man. (beat) All right, go ahead, let me have it.
NILES: Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?
"A Crane's Critique"
NILES: I've always idolized him. What I wouldn't give to meet that man!
ROZ: Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?
NILES: I can't just walk up to a god like that.
ROZ: Well, find a subtler way.
NILES: In your vernacular, that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?
*****
NILES: You know very well that in 1982 there was a drought in Bourgogne. The locals dubbed it "The Year of the Raisin."
"Head Game"
FRASIER: Listen, Niles, I'd – I'd like you to do my show for me for the week I'm gone.
NILES: Me, standing in for you? I'm sorry, Frasier, I couldn't presume to fill those big, floppy red shoes of yours.
FRASIER: Please, please, Niles. Look, I'm begging you. The station wants to replace me with Helen Grogan, better known as "Ma Nature." She does a gardening show, and I'm just little worried that a week of discussing well-rotted manure will weaken my listener base.
NILES: It hasn't yet.
*****
BASKETBALL PLAYER: Well, you see, for the last two weeks, every time I get my hands on the pill, I choke.
NILES: Well, have you tried mashing it with a spoon?
*****
NILES: We'll start with a positive visualization. I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath ... good. Now, I want you to imagine yourself on the playing surface, doing whatever it is you actually do. Tell me what you see.
BASKETBALL PLAYER: Okay, uh ... Kemp's passing me the ball ... I'm bringing it up court ... I'm dribbling ...
NILES: Don't worry about your appearance.
*****
BASKETBALL PLAYER: Hey, hey, hey, N. C.! You made it!
NILES: I beg your pardon? Oh, "N. C." I thought you said "Nancy." For a second, it was prep school all over again.
"Mixed Doubles"
NILES: Perhaps I'll take that brandy.
FRASIER: Yes, all right, uh ... Niles, you know, before you do something this rash, perhaps you should consider it from all angles.
NILES: I've spent three years considering Daphne from all angles.
*****
FRASIER: I'm just ... just not sure if this is the right timing.
NILES: No, no, if you're trying to rattle me, it's not going to work. I've been rehearsing this for months. "Daphne, there's something I need to talk to you about ... it's a matter of ... Daphne ... for a long time now, I, uh ... you and I, uh ... we ...." Exactly how's the brandy getting here, by St. Bernard?!
*****
NILES: I know I don't have your total support in this, but ... how shall I put this?
FRASIER: You don't care?
NILES: If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" into there, you'd have it.
*****
NILES: (to ROZ, entering a singles bar) Well, I'm here. I forgot to gargle, I'm wearing mismatched socks, and I'm so nervous, I could wet myself.
*****
NILES: Oh, spare me, you ludicrous popinjay!
*****
DAPHNE: If it had been a different time in both our lives, we might actually have met [in the singles bar]. How do you suppose that would have gone?
NILES: What, our conversation?
DAPHNE: Yes. Go on, just for fun. We could both use a smile.
NILES: Uh, well, I ... I would have said, "Is this seat taken?" And, uh, you would have said, "No." And you would have said, "My name is Daphne," and I would have said, "My name is Niles." And then I would have said ... "What are you doing for the rest of your life?"
DAPHNE: (laughing) You always know just the right thing to say. Oh, I love ya, Dr. Crane.
NILES: (beat) I love you, too, Daphne.
"A Lilith Thanksgiving"
FRASIER: Her husband is off in New Zealand exploring a volcano.
MARTIN: Why couldn't she go with him?
NILES: Because if she accidentally fell in, the shock wave from the hottest thing in nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the earth in two.
*****
NILES: When are you going to learn, Dad? The only thing [sic] the Crane boys are skilled at catching is [sic] sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus.
"Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine"
FRASIER: What article did you win for?
NILES: A gripping case history of a narcissistic opera singer. I called it "Me, Me, Me, Me, Me."
*****
SHERRY: Oh, I love making people laugh! To me, humor is like medicine.
NILES: (aside, to FRASIER) Guess we're in the placebo group.
*****
SHERRY: My mama always used to say to me, "Honey, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone." It's true!
MARTIN: (laughing) Yeah!
SHERRY: Well, Mama had lots of sayings like that.
NILES: I didn't know Mae West had children.
*****
DAPHNE: You know, I keep meaning to ask – what's that lovely perfume you're wearing?
FRASIER: Yes, I've been wondering that myself.
SHERRY: It's called Milady's Boudoir. You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is. For a hundred bucks, I could buy enough to drown myself in!
NILES: (aside, to FRASIER) I've got sixty.
"Liar, Liar"
(NILES and FRASIER are accidentally wearing identical suits and shoes)
NILES: Well, why don't you also take my strong chin and swimmer's build?!
*****
NILES: You're not going down to the jail!
FRASIER: Yes, I am. And I invite you to join me.
NILES: Oh, yes, that's a good idea, Frasier – the Crane boys going to a prison in matching outfits.
"Death and the Dog"
NILES: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school, and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? Mozart'll tell me he's busy, but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln.
"Four for the Seesaw"
NILES: Yes, and just the mention of a double-bowl, stainless steel sink with integral drain boards makes me hum like a subzero freezer.
"To Kill a Talking Bird"
FRASIER: Niles, why would you even want to live in such a stodgy building? You know, when I applied there, they treated me like I was riffraff.
NILES: Well, if you're going to ask and answer your own questions, what do you need me for?
*****
FRASIER: You know, Niles, this precious little building of yours isn't as exclusive as you think. Your doorman waved me right through.
NILES: Well, that's because he knows you.
FRASIER: Oh! Fan of my show?
NILES: No. He lives in your building.
*****
FRASIER: I've taken myself off the dating circuit. I'm afraid I was getting a bit desperate.
NILES: Well, I was a bit concerned when you called to ask if Gloria was our first or second cousin.
"The Unnatural"
FRASIER: (looking at an old photograph) Niles, refresh my memory. Why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists?
NILES: Oh, you've forgotten. That Halloween, we went as the Bay of Pigs.
*****
FRASIER: Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
NILES: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.
"Ham Radio"
FRASIER: Anyway, I spoke with the station manager. He's given me thirty minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired, "Nightmare Inn."
MARTIN: Oh, don't tell me, I know – a bunch of people get caught in a storm and everbody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
FRASIER: Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
NILES: Oh, so we can stop wondering.
"Three Dates and a Breakup"
ROZ: Hey, at least I try to keep in shape. I haven't seen either one of you two try to run an eight-minute mile.
NILES: Stand upwind of us, and you might.
*****
NILES: Well, her lips said, "No," but her eyes said, "Read my lips."
*****
FRASIER: My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet! I'm catnip!
NILES: I think I feel a furball coming up.
"Daphne Hates Sherry"
DAPHNE: I mean, I've been keeping myself on the shelf lately. I'm feeling a little like the good china.
NILES: Someone should be eating off you every day.
*****
NILES: Actually, Maris never held hands. She had a slight webbing that made her self-conscious.
"Odd Man Out"
MARTIN: Oh, you can't really judge what a person's like just from the voice.
NILES: That's true. I was once told that I sounded – imagine the impertinence – "uptight."
*****
FRASIER: I always liked the name Laura.
MARTIN: Hey, Frasier, you know, that was gonna be your name if you were a girl.
FRASIER: Really?
MARTIN: Yeah. Your mother always wanted Priscilla, but I never liked the nickname Prissy.
NILES: I never much cared for it, either.
*****
NILES: I met someone once, flying home from college. I got bumped into first class and found myself sitting next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older, and I was trying desperately to be suave; so when she leaned over and suggested we join the mile-high club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." God, that was twenty years ago. (wry chuckle) Nope, still can't laugh about it.
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