Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Three

These quotes have been transcribed directly from the DVDs and have been checked multiple times for accuracy.

"She's the Boss"

NILES: How did she know it wasn't a real gun? It fooled the servants. Even the ones who spent years fleeing juntas.

 

"Shrink Rap"

FRASIER: You don't have to speak for me, Niles. I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.

NILES: Yes, I know. Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice.

***

FRASIER: Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that smell of the office place - freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee, the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below ...

NILES: Actually, that's the lab next door. They lost power last night and some of their tissue samples turned.

***

FRASIER: (addressing Niles' therapy group)  I'll just be observing today. I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet, so just pretend I'm not here.

NILES: And good luck with that.

***

NILES: (to his therapy group)  You'll all find my brother is quite deft with these peppy little bromides. "Panacea for the pain." One can almost hear the phrase, "We'll be right back after these words from Pringles."

***

NILES: How dare you try to steal my group!

FRASIER: I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!

NILES: Oh, yes, your legions!  Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint, and call it "Frasierstock"?!

 

"Martin Does It His Way"

NILES: I'm sorry, I don't mean to quibble, but it seems like your heart is always going either highdee-heydee, ringy-dingy, or scooby-dooby.

MARTIN: Look, I don't need another critic.

NILES: Fine. Perhaps a cardiologist.

 

"Leapin' Lizards"

MARTIN: You listen to Bulldog's program?

NILES: Yes, Dad. I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.

***

NILES: You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, I happen to have one at the house. Last year, a disgruntled servant left one on Maris' dining room chair. Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted when my little fawn proved too light to activate it.

 

"Kisses Sweeter than Wine"

JOE the CONTRACTOR: I'll have it done by noon.

FRASIER: Splendid.

NILES: I told you he was good. We're talking about a man who satisfied Maris - something that's still regrettably on my "to do" list.

***

NILES: I didn't do it for me, I did it for her. She deserves a doctor or a lawyer, someone for whom a t-shirt is an undergarment.

***

NILES: You have to ask Daphne out again.

JOE: Are you nuts? You heard what she said.

NILES: Yes, but if you ask her again, she'll say yes.

JOE: Hey, maybe I've changed my mind.

NILES: Oh, no, you haven't changed your mind. You're just letting masculine vanity and hurt feelings keep you from something that other men can only dream of in their oxblood Cetus leather wing-back chairs with the lights off.

JOE: Look, Dr. Crane, I just don't think it would work out, okay?

NILES: No, it's not okay. If you had ever smelled her hair ... you'd know she's worth at least one more try. She is an angel. She is a goddess. and she's waiting for you in the bathroom.

 

"Sleeping with the Enemy"

NILES: You know, there is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris. Remember when our stable boy Joaquim's appendix burst? She had him driven back to the border at her own personal expense.

***

DAPHNE: I'm no stranger to that feeling meself. It can strike without warning. And you don't know who it will be. Why, you could be standing next to a person month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off. There's a word for it ...

NILES: Hope?

***

FRASIER: I was standing in front of her desk, like so. She was facing me. Niles, you be Kate.

NILES: I will not.

FRASIER: Look, just stand up.

NILES: I'm always the girl! In every prep school play I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie - well, no more, I'm through with it. When do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.?

 

"The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl"

NILES: Oh, look at the time. I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry. If I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.

***

NILES: I listened to your program as I was driving home last night. Here's a bill to replace the front grill of my Mercedes, and a second to replace the back bumper of some wretched little domestic car.

 

"The Last Time I Saw Maris"

FRASIER: Excuse me - she's been missing for three days, and you're just panic-stricken now?

NILES: I only just realized it. The last two nights, I knocked on Maris' bedroom door to wish her good night, and I was greeted with a chilly silence, so naturally I assumed everything was status quo.

***

NILES: Maris ordered me to get my stuff out of there by sundown, or else she'd turn it over to a church bazaar. Oh, oh! And - I got these jeans! Right? Right? And I'm starting a goatee, and I'm thinking of joining a gym, but I don't know whether aerobics or weight training is the quickest route to buff. Any thoughts?

 

"Frasier Grinch"

MARTIN: (to FRASIER)  Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember? I wanted you to love baseball. I wanted to get you a bat and glove, everything, for Christmas. But you had your mind set on a microscope, so that's what I got you.

NILES: And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time looking for rodent hairs in your hot dog.

 

"It's Hard to Say Goodbye if You Won't Leave"

NILES: You know, that's the improper use of a hyphen.

MARTIN: Somehow, I don't think Morrie Dingman will mind.

NILES: Well, then, I'm sure he won't notice that missing comma and that run-on sentence. Although, this is a particularly glaring error: it's best not to end a sentence with a preposition. (MARTIN writes something in large letters)  Not to be technical, but "off" is a preposition, too.

***

DAPHNE: Well, if you think so much of her, why don't you ask her out?

FRASIER: Well, we agreed we wouldn't pursue things. And, frankly, she hasn't given me any indication since that she's even had a second thought about me.

NILES: Added to which, if Frasier did  pursue her and she rejected him, he could hardly rationalize it by saying, "She doesn't know what she's missing." She would know exactly what she's missing. She just didn't miss it.

 

"The Friend"

FRASIER: You know, Dad, I did have friends in college and back in Boston. It's only since I moved back to Seattle that I've started falling back on Niles.

NILES: Ooooh - "falling back on Niles."

FRASIER: Oh, Niles, you know what I mean. Settling for what's comfortable and familiar. My God, you and I can go out together and I know what you're thinking before you even say it.

NILES: Well, then, I'm sorry you had to hear that, Frasier.

 

"Moon Dance"

MARTIN: You know, Niles, I think your problem is you still think of yourself as that same geeky kid you were in high school. But you've come a long way since then. And you're not doing yourself any favors staying home every night. Now, just think about it.

NILES: (whines)

DAPHNE: Wine, Dr. Crane?

NILES: Well, wouldn't you?

***

DAPHNE: Step towards me, then bring your right forward and over, and slide the left over to meet it. Then the right foot goes back, the left back and over, and the right slides next to it, and that's it. All right, once again. One-two-three, a-two-two-three, a-three-two-three, a-four-two-three.

NILES: This is boring, yet difficult.

***

MARTIN: Come on, Niles, you think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?

NILES: What are you implying?

MARTIN: You know damn well what I'm implying. Take my word for it. You're sticking a fork in a toaster here.

NILES: Well, my muffin's stuck.

***

MARTIN: There was this pretty coroner in the city morgue. I always had a bit of a crush on her. Whenever we'd find a dead body I'd yell out, "Okay, boys, I'll take it from here!" So this one night, I invited her down to the corner bar.

NILES: Coroners have their own bars?

***

NILES: Uh, just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

DAPHNE: You know, when I was at school, I knew a boy named Niles, and I called him Niley.

NILES: Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?

 

"The Show where Diane Shows Up"

NILES: Are you still in love with her?

FRASIER: No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion!

NILES: Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial," I'll move on.

 

"A Word to the Wiseguy"

MARTIN: I hope everything works out for you, but I think the law should be the same for everyone.

NILES: Well, it's not. We'd all like to believe justice is blind, but the sad truth is, wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake.

***

ROZ: You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops.

NILES: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.

***

NILES: How can I repay you?

ROZ: The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life or what I'm wearing, keep it to yourself.

NILES: (his eyes sweep over ROZ's outfit)  Consider it done.

 

"Look before You Leap"

NILES: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.

FRASIER: Oh, Niles ...

NILES: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can  bet he's not gettin' any.

***

NILES: You just don't want me to have sex because you're  not having any.

FRASIER: I most certainly am, too!

NILES: Your lips say yes, but your cuticles speak volumes.

 

"High Crane Drifter"

NILES: And even worse, after I'd left the car off at the body shop, the rental agency didn't have a single luxury car left. They stuck me with some vehicle I believe they call a "hunchback."

FRASIER: No, I think that would be a hatchback, Niles.

NILES: It's painted panic-button red, and has a large rear window that pops open.

FRASIER: Oh, that would be the hatchback.

NILES: Oh. Well, there's a novel idea. Name the car after its most hideous feature. I presume it was a toss-up between "hatchback" and "what's that odor coming from the floor?"

***

NILES: Oh, there he is. The man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera.

***

MARTIN: This is my favorite part: "With one swift move, the good doctor hoisted the miscreant out on his ear, declaring, 'What you need is an etiquette lesson!'" I love that! You've got your own tough guy catch phrase!

NILES: It's perfect for you, Frasier. Dirty Harry meets Emily Post.

***

NILES: Oh, for God's sake, Frasier, don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from penis envy!

 

"Crane vs. Crane"

DAPHNE: Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's boxing match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.

NILES: Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.

 

"Where there's Smoke, there's Fired"

FRASIER: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. It's just that, uh, the station's been sold. I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. I must admit, she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.

NILES: Oh, really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.

***

ROZ: You're clipping coupons?

NILES: I'm economizing.

ROZ: Oh, well, it's about time. You spend money like a drunken sailor.

NILES: She said authoritatively.

***

NILES: I just discovered a place called Price Busters Warehouse. You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary, and they have a huge selection. I found french fries and french doors in the same aisle.

 

"Frasier Loves Roz"

NILES: (referring to a womanizing patient he's spotted in the cafe)  Oh - now serving 151!

FRASIER: Good God! He's here to see Roz?

NILES: Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.

 

"The Focus Group"

FRASIER: Niles, what was that all about?

NILES: I'm not sure, but, oh, mama, it was glorious! Blood pounding, sarcastic zingers flying ... !

FRASIER: Are you saying that you enjoyed  fighting with Daphne?

NILES: Every exhilarating moment! It was pure, unbridled passion. I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead! Oh, oh, why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls? It's wonderful!

 

"You Can Go Home Again"

NILES: I've been dealing with him all by myself ever since Mom died. Now it's your turn. So, welcome home, prodigal son!

MARTIN: (o.s.)  You guys want some pork rinds?

NILES: And that's as close as you're going to get to a fatted calf.