This is a blog series, brought to you by possibly the most devoted Frasier fanatic on the planet: yours truly. There are too many brilliant lines spoken by every character in the show, so I have limited this series to my favorite character, Niles, and will categorize the quotes by season and in episodic order, because I'm just obsessive-compulsive that way (like Niles).
It bothers me when I see things misquoted, so I have tried to be as accurate as possible in reproducing the quotes on this page, relying on what I hear on the DVDs and checking what I hear against the closed captions, which are, except in a relatively few instances, pretty faithful. I have the book The Frasier Scripts, which I've consulted whenever possible, but the book only covers seasons 1 through 6 and has only a few scripts from each of those seasons. Also, many lines in those chosen scripts were altered or cut completely before final filming. Some episodes were even renamed. So, on the whole, I've gone with what's on the DVDs.
It bothers me when I see things misquoted, so I have tried to be as accurate as possible in reproducing the quotes on this page, relying on what I hear on the DVDs and checking what I hear against the closed captions, which are, except in a relatively few instances, pretty faithful. I have the book The Frasier Scripts, which I've consulted whenever possible, but the book only covers seasons 1 through 6 and has only a few scripts from each of those seasons. Also, many lines in those chosen scripts were altered or cut completely before final filming. Some episodes were even renamed. So, on the whole, I've gone with what's on the DVDs.
Pilot: "The Good Son"
FRASIER: Yes, yes, I know what you think about everything. When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?
NILES: I'm having one now.
***
FRASIER: Niles, I don't know how to thank you. I feel the overwhelming urge to hug you.
NILES: Remember what Mom always said. A handshake is as good as a hug.
"Space Quest"
FRASIER: Well, thanks for the chat, Niles. You're a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
NILES: You're a good brother, too. (long beat.)
"Dinner at Eight"
FRASIER: Remember when you used to think that the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?
NILES: Was I ever that young?
***
NILES: But can we really get in? I've been trying for months.
FRASIER: Oh, please, Niles. You're forgetting the cachet my name carries in this town.
NILES: Actually, I'm not. If the maître d' happens to be a housewife, we're in.
***
NILES: Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day, I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.
***
NILES: I'd like a petite filet mignon, very lean. Not so lean that it lacks flavor, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate; and I don't want it cooked, just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle—not true pink, but not a mauve, either—something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.
"I Hate Frasier Crane"
NILES: Hello, I don't believe we've met.
ROZ: Yes, we have, Niles. Three or four times. Roz Doyle.
NILES: Oh, of course! It was at the, uh .... It was during the, uh .... Oh, well, I'm far too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet?
"Beloved Infidel"
FRASIER: Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?!
NILES: Frasier, your loyalties are seeping through. And I might point out that I got Mom's small features while you got Dad's chunky thighs.
"Selling Out"
NILES: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that night. And that was no mean feat. Her room, as you know, is across the hall.
"Oops"
NILES: I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.
"The Crucible"
FRASIER: I hate lawyers!
NILES: Oh, me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better.
"Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast"
NILES: Dad, I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining Maris and me Friday night. We're dying to try the new rib joint that's opened on Bellevue Way. I understand that if the onion rings aren't as big as your head, you get them for free.
"You Can't Tell a Crook by His Cover"
NILES: Certainly playing fast and loose with his tips, for a man who drives a van.
***
FRASIER: You know Dad—he's so judgmental.
NILES: I know, and I've always condemned him for it.
***
FRASIER: You're being irrational.
NILES: Don't you dare call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!
***
NILES: I'm not without resources. My tae kwon do instructor tells me I'm just two moves away from being quite threatening.
***
NILES: Excuse me. Has a young woman been in here this evening, approximately five foot nine and three quarters, with skin the color of Devonshire cream, and the sort of eyes that gaze into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?
"A Midwinter Night's Dream"
NILES: How could she like him? The man has community college written all over him.
"Give Him the Chair"
NILES: (entering a showroom filled with recliners) Dear God, Frasier, we've stumbled upon Hell's waiting room.
***
NILES: (trying out a recliner with Swedish massage and shiatsu) Ooohhh .... I never knew a chair could be this satisfying. I never knew that anything could. I want it.
FRASIER: Right, Niles. I'm sure that it would fit right in with all of Maris' eighteenth-century antiques.
NILES: Well, then, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side.
"Fortysomething"
FRASIER: (playing a Beethoven sonata on the piano) That's strange. For the life of me, I can't remember what the next note is. I know this piece backward and forward.
NILES: Perhaps if you start at the end, you'll have better luck.
***
DAPHNE: I learned a long time ago there are three questions you never answer honestly: "how old do I look," "do you like my hair," and "was it good for you, too." Coming, Dr. Crane? (beat) Dr. Crane?
NILES: I'm sorry, I was someplace else. (beat) It was a warm and friendly place.
"Travels with Martin"
NILES: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day, the two of us tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out the window as the landscape whizzed by—I was thirteen before I realized cows aren't blurry.
***
NILES: That's it—I'm going to be arrested.
DAPHNE: We're all getting arrested.
NILES: Yes, but I have delicate features. Prison will be hell for me.
"Author, Author"
NILES: All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go to the library, go to the card catalogue, and see my name under "Mental Illness."
***
FRASIER: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
NILES: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.
***
FRASIER: I do not have a fat face!
NILES: Oh, please, I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter!
"Frasier Crane's Day Off"
NILES: Hello. This is Dr. Niles Crane filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel fully qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today!
"My Coffee with Niles"
DAPHNE: Well, at least someone appreciates my mother tongue.
NILES: Yes, I've always had an ear for your tongue.
***
NILES: Why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you find some beefy eastern European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?
FRASIER: Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out.
NILES: Frasier, I can't get her out of my mind. When I look at Daphne, she stirs a passion in me I've never known before.
***
ROZ: But he pretended he was going to ask me out. Now, isn't there a commandment against that?
NILES: No, they didn't go into dating until the New Testament.
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