Other than possible differences in punctuation, the quotes below are guaranteed by me to be accurate. They have been transcribed directly from the DVDs, and have been checked multiple times.
"Slow Tango in South Seattle"
MARTIN: (referring to a photograph) Why is Maris wearing jodhpurs? She didn't start horseback riding, did she?
NILES: No. She wanted to take it up, but unfortunately her little quadriceps are so tight she's incapable of straddling anything larger than a border collie.
***
MARTIN: Don't tell me this was going on during your lessons, too?
NILES: No. You'll be relieved to know that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs, I was actually studying music.
"The Unkindest Cut of All"
NILES: Hope you don't mind my stopping by, but Maris is hosting the Women's League senior yoga group, and ... well ... old money in body stockings ... (shudders)
"The Matchmaker"
NILES: Dear God, Frasier—Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
"Flour Child"
FRASIER: Get a hold of yourself, Niles!
NILES: I'm sorry; I only did this once before in medical school, and all I remember is a bright light and lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling toward my forehead.
WOMAN IN LABOR: You fainted?!
NILES: Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!
***
FRASIER: It's perfectly natural to have parental stirrings at your age.
NILES: Oh, no, this is more than stirrings. I wake up nights thinking about it.
FRASIER: Have you talked this over with Maris?
NILES: Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.
***
NILES: Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted, and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail.
***
FRASIER: Niles, what has happened to your "child"?
NILES: I was practicing my tai chi exercises this morning, and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
FRASIER: He caught on fire?
NILES: It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
"Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye"
(ROZ is sucking the chocolate off of chocolate covered raisins and spitting the raisins into a cup.)
NILES: I see all those years of finishing school really paid off.
"The Candidate"
NILES: (quoting) "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
FRASIER: Edmund Burke.
NILES: I have that quotation in a frame. I keep meaning to put it up in my office, but I never seem to get around to it.
***
NILES: You know, my wife Maris actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.
"Adventures in Paradise, Part I"
NILES: It is possible to move a relationship along too fast and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find a few years down the line that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person, someone who REALLY EXCITES you and makes you feel ALIVE, but you can't ACT upon it because you're TRAPPED in a STALE, albeit comfortable MARIS ... marriage. (beat) I have to go now.
"Adventures in Paradise, Part II"
NILES: When's the happy occasion?
LILITH: Tomorrow, in Las Vegas.
NILES: Oh, Lilith, how delightfully kitschy! It's your second marriage, so you've decided to poke fun at the institution by getting married in the tackiest place you could possibly choose!
LILITH: Brian's family lives in Las Vegas. (beat)
NILES: (trying to be sincere) Well, isn't that convenient. You'll have someone to show you the museums.
"Burying a Grudge"
NILES: (on the phone) Yes ... yes, Maris, I'm sure .... No ... no, you can't gain weight from a glucose I. V. .... Well ... no, no, my little worrywart, there's no such thing as a NutraSweet drip.
***
NILES: Oh, if anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight.
FRASIER: Why?
NILES: Maris' doctor feels it's more soothing for the patient to duplicate the home environment as closely as possible. So I slipped a pearl-handled revolver under her pillow and got myself a room across the hall.
***
FRASIER: I finally got Dad and Artie Walsh talking again. Of course, I did have to resort to some cheap, manipulative, pseudo-psychology.
NILES: Always go to your strengths.
"Seat of Power"
NILES: When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.
FRASIER: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
NILES: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Ms Parton can then finance a national tour, which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenage son to us for $150-an-hour therapy.
***
FRASIER: You know the expression "living well is the best revenge"?
NILES: It's a wonderful expression. I just don't know how true it is. You don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaks vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."
"Roz in the Doghouse"
NILES: Maris is unable to have pets. She distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally.
"Retirement is Murder"
FRASIER: Just imagine how excited Dad will be to go to a game with his two sons. My God, it's the archetypal male bonding ritual!
NILES: Couldn't we just go into the woods, kill something, and have done with it?
"You Scratch My Book ... "
NILES: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I was hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.
***
NILES: Watching the sport of kings, I see. Which horse did you wager on?
MARTIN: Joe's Dream, number eight.
NILES: Goodness. He seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist, approach to the race.
***
HONEY: I read a wonderful article you wrote in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine. Let's see ... "Gestalt Therapy: Probing the Subconscious."
NILES: Yes! And I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo - "Is Your Guy a Stud or a Dud?"
***
FRASIER: I have to tell her I can't write the forward. Oh, Niles ... and I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection. Oh, Niles ... where, oh, where ... will I ever have the chance again to ... to gaze upon such extraordinarily proud and ... supple breasts?
NILES: (soberly) Not to worry, brother. That's the manager's special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.
"The Show Where Sam Shows Up"
MARTIN: Hey, Niles, why didn't you bring Maris tonight?
NILES: I'm supposed to ask Maris to spend an evening with a baseball player? Why don't I just ask her to rub my shoulders?
***
NILES: Is it my imagination, or is Sam flirting with Daphne?
FRASIER: Well, of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everybody. He can't help it; he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting help for it in a support group.
NILES: (hearing Daphne giggle in the kitchen) Did he miss a meeting?!
***
FRASIER: Oh, my God, I slept with that woman three months ago.
ROZ: You slept with her?
FRASIER: Yes.
NILES: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this??
***
FRASIER: Did you see how she ran out of here the minute she saw me?
NILES: Ah, yes. The trademark of all your bed mates.
"Daphne's Room"
MARTIN: Well, when your mother would get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
NILES: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae. She'd snap like a twig.
"The Club"
FRASIER: I don't think the membership committee would look kindly on your being arrested for mooning President Nixon at the campaign rally.
NILES: I was young and firm and in love with an anarchist.
***
FRASIER: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
NILES: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.
***
NILES: My only excuse is that all my life I have dreamed of belonging to an exclusive club like the Empire. Even as a child, when I formed clubs with my teddy bears, there were always two or three who didn't make the cut.
"Someone to Watch over Me"
FRASIER: It's not like I'm nominated for a Seebee every year. Oh, wait a minute -- yes, it is!
NILES: Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
FRASIER: You just made that up, didn't you?
NILES: Yes, but I stand by it.
***
FRASIER: Dad, she's not a weirdo. She's just a woman who finds me utterly fascinating.
NILES: And the distinction would be ... ?
***
BODYGUARD: (to FRASIER) By the way, Dr. Crane, I'll need to know your blood type, location of the nearest trauma center, and a list of any family member who'd be willing to donate organs.
NILES: Just so you know, Frasier, I have unusually small kidneys.
"Breaking the Ice"
NILES: What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.
***
NILES: That was amazing! I've never felt so in touch with nature!
MARTIN: What happened?
NILES: For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors!
***
FRASIER: Want to know the reason I came up here? It was just to hear [Dad] say the words "I love you."
NILES: What?!
FRASIER: Yeah, well, you know, he ... he said it to Duke, he said to to Eddie. He's never said it to me.
NILES: Surely you don't put yourself up there with Eddie?
***
FRASIER: Well, I mean, you know that Maris loves you, right? But it's still nice to hear it.
NILES: I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.
"An Affair to Forget"
NILES: I turned around, walked out of the house, got in the car and started driving.
FRASIER: Well, I'm glad you ended up here.
NILES: Actually, I ended up at the Oregon border check. I had fruit in the car, so I had to turn back.
***
FRASIER: You know, Niles, Maris may have temporarily succumbed to Gunnar's Teutonic charms, but in the end, I'm sure she'll choose the man who's intelligent and sensitive.
NILES: Oh, Frasier. That's just something we used to tell ourselves in chess club.
"Agents in America III"
(The morning after FRASIER and BEBE have spent the night together.)
FRASIER: All right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.
NILES: No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.
"The Innkeepers"
NILES: Well, instead of individual soufflés, make one large soufflé and dish the portions out at the table. When people hear the name Niles Crane, I want them to think "big soufflé."
"Dark Victory"
NILES: (enraged) You spoke to a patient of mine today -- Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me!
FRASIER: Caroline was your patient? I ...
NILES: Two years of my hard work, wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions!
***
ROZ: I was in college. I was trying to find myself.
NILES: All you had to do was look under the nearest man.
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