Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Five

All quotes were taken directly from the DVDs and have been thoroughly checked for accuracy.

"Frasier's Imaginary Friend"

FRASIER: You know, frankly, I'm sick and tired of everyone's pity. Fact is, I did  meet a woman down there. A perfectly fabulous woman. We had an utterly romantic weekend.
MARTIN: Well, why didn't you just tell us that from the start?
FRASIER: Well, I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
NILES: Oh, yes. That pesky Club Med oath of silence.

"The Gift Horse"

NILES: If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first few yard lines, but I could only get ones way back on the 50th.

++++++++

NILES: I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me, Frasier ....You have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore. (referring to a mammoth TV set)
FRASIER: I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window into a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera, or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!
NILES: (dryly)  You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.

"The Kid"

DAPHNE: (to ROZ)  How did the father take it when you told him? (to FRASIER)  Don't worry, she brought it up.
ROZ: Actually, he took it very well. He's not going to be that involved, though. He moved to Cairo.
NILES: Where would he have moved to if he had taken it badly?

"The 1000th Show"

FRASIER: Where was I?
NILES: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.

++++++++

NILES: Sorry I'm late. I stopped halfway to listen to a jolly band of Frasier Crane Day carolers. I tried to join in on "The Twelve Days of Frasier," but, uh – forgot the words around day seven.

++++++++

FRASIER: Up late last night?
NILES: Well, I'm afraid so. As usual, I left it till the last minute to write all my Frasier Crane Day cards.

"Voyage of the Damned"

ROZ: Don't you remember him from the '70s? He invented that big dance craze, the "barracuda."
NILES: Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his.
FRASIER: No!
NILES: Yes, that was the one dance she could do. The hustle was too strenuous. She had no booty to shake. But her fetching little underbite was just perfect for the barracuda.

"Desperately Seeking Closure"

ROZ: Oh, come on, Frasier, why don't you just admit what you're doing here? This isn't some "help me to be a better person" thing. You're trying to figure out what you can fix so you can win Sam back.
FRASIER: Oh, now, Roz, that's preposterous.
ROZ: Look who you're talking to. I've been down this road so many times, they call it "the Roz Expressway."
NILES: I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.

++++++++

FRASIER: Well, I ... don't know about "love." I mean, we've only been seeing each other for a month.
NILES: But you could see yourself falling in love with her.
FRASIER: Possibly.
NILES: Sometime down the line.
FRASIER: Yes, yes, perhaps.
NILES: Well, no wonder you're heartbroken. You've just lost the only woman you could even possibly, sometime down the line, perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one.

++++++++

NILES: Don't punish yourself, Frasier. At least you're deep enough to realize you're shallow.

"Perspectives on Christmas"

NILES: (to MARTIN)  Why don't you start here, with "O night" (gives pitch on piano)  and I want to hear you really attack the note. (MARTIN sings the phrase and cracks horribly on the high note)  Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.

"Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name"

NILES: There's a wonderful lecture series on the history of modern lecture series.

++++++++

NILES: I gave Maris her birthday saddle. She was so thrilled, she treated me to a little Lady Godiva impression.
FRASIER: Oh, my.
NILES: Apparently, the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream. It created a powerful apoxy.
FRASIER: Oh, dear.
NILES: Yes. It took an hour and a full bottle of nail polish remover to get her free. Today, her poor little thighs were so raw, the only way she could find comfort was to straddle a frozen Butterball turkey.

++++++++

NILES: At this point, I'd just as soon be by myself. My brother has abandoned me, my wife is cursing my name. Tonight, when Orpheus descends into hell, I'll be there waiting for him with a fruit basket.

"Ain't Nobody's Business if I Do"

NILES: But – but – what do we even call her?
FRASIER: Well, I suppose she'll want us to call her "Mother." No, no, that's too formal. No, "Mama." No, "Ma."
NILES: Oh, better still. "Don't you look nice, Ma. Yes, I'd love another corn dog, Ma.  Off to the roller derby, MA?!"

"The Zoo Story"

NILES: You must forgive my jolly mood, but Maris was over tonight for our weekly conjugal visit.
MARTIN: Oh, geez.
NILES: I've never seen her looking so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings – which she tends to avoid, as they make her head droop.

"The Maris Counselor"

NILES: Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.
MARTIN: Geez, I didn't need to hear that!
NILES: Oh, no, no, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark; I thought he was Maris.
FRASIER: It's a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?
NILES: The heat from her side of the bed.

"The Ski Lodge"

NILES: I grant you, she's comely. But don't you find her a tad – what would the polite euphemism be – stupid?
FRASIER: Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle. You find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a "ball" in no time!
NILES: Leave it to you to put the pig back in Pygmalion.

"Room Service"

FRASIER: Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
NILES: Oh. That explains why blood was pouring through all my faucets this morning.
FRASIER: Well, go easy on her. Her husband has left her ... and get this ... for a man.
NILES: Damn! I owe Dad five dollars.

++++++++

LILITH: Niles. Sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
NILES: (pointedly)  Ditto.

++++++++

FRASIER: Niles! Niles!
NILES: Did I do it again?
FRASIER: Yes. You fell asleep with your cheek right against the ice tray!
NILES: Oh, that's so strange. I dreamed I was tangoing with Maris.

++++++++

(NILES and LILITH  wake up in bed together, both horrified)
LILITH: My God! What did we do, what did we do?!
NILES: Well, first you put your—
LILITH: I know what we did, what do we do now?!
NILES: Let's try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. Every day in Arkansas!!

++++++++

NILES: Now I remember ordering this. It's the breakfast I always have after a night of passion.
LILITH: Eggs Benedict? That's very rich.
NILES: I only have it once a year.

++++++++

NILES: If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was about two people ruled by very powerful superegos – tortured by them – who found a chance, however misguided, to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softy, but that's how I see it.

"Frasier Gotta Have It"

NILES: I'm not condemning you for your little ... fling.
FRASIER: Oh, for God's sake.
NILES: Just don't try to pass it off as something deeper than it is. The only thing you two have in common is the faint impression of the word "Sealy" on your backsides.

++++++++

NILES: Frasier, I owe you an apology. You two are perfectly compatible. How long will it be before we're all standing outside a wedding chapel pelting you both with whole grain brown rice?

++++++++

FRASIER: Haven't you ever heard of opposites attracting? Where I am worldly, Caitlin is – unspoiled.
NILES: Rather remarkable, given her terror of preservatives.

"First Date"

FRASIER: Ooh, Niles, you'd be smart to get out of here. Dad's dragging me to a wake for my god-uncle Charlie.
NILES: Is he the one who used to plop his eyeball into his mashed potatoes and say, "I'm watching what I eat"?

"Roz and the Schnoz"

NILES: I want to prove that I'm strong and independent, and I can't do that alone.

"The Life of the Party"

NILES: Excuse me, Frasier.
FRASIER: Not now, Niles. I'm telling Vicky my recipe for crèpes gâteau.
NILES: Oh, well, I'm sure she's had enough of your crèpe by now.

"Party, Party"

NILES: Frasier, I have to ask a small favor. I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe.

"Sweet Dreams"

FRASIER: Daphne, I am ... so sorry. I feel just terrible.
DAPHNE: As you should. You left me handcuffed and helpless.
NILES: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me. (beat)  For help.