Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Seven

All quotes were taken directly from the DVDs and have been checked thoroughly for accuracy.

"Momma Mia"

NILES:  That's not graffiti, Dad; that's a Latin pun: "Semper ubi, sub ubi "—"Always where under where."

"Father of the Bride"

NILES:  Last night after dinner, I dropped her home with nothing more than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight may proceed to hand holding, and if all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.

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FRASIER:  Niles, it's about Sabrina. (beat) She's a prostitute.
NILES: Frasier, I don't like lawyers anymore than you do.

++++++++

FRASIER:  Does Sabrina laugh at everything you say? Is she fascinated  by everything about you—even your collections?
NILES:  Well, yes. Actually, I even showed her my rarely seen collection of eighteenth-century Portuguese bud vases.
FRASIER:  And how did she react?
NILES:  Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused. She said she loved a man who collected porcelain and, oh, my God, I'm dating a whore.

"Radio Wars"

DAPHNE:  Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have your crèpe pans seasoned, anyway?
NILES:  It can be confusing, but this may help: "Saucepans in summer, crèpe pans in fall, when winter's upon us, there's food for us all."

++++++++

NILES:  Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?
FRASIER: That was you? I'm sorry Niles. I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
NILES: (beat) How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.

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MARTIN:  Great. That's fine. Admire him if you want, but did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? I mean, you were just begging  to get beat up.
FRASIER:  Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
NILES: I remember getting a chin strap so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.

"Everyone's a Critic"

NILES:  The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there, too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed, until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."
FRASIER:  I assume you pounced.
NILES: Like a ninja!

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NILES:  Well, I wish you had lent her your Tennessee Williams biography. She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him Indiana Jones.

"The Late Dr. Crane"

FRASIER:  Carbuncle?  You mean that miniscule mole of yours?
NILES:  Well, to you.  I've always been self-conscious about it. I-I've made many a hasty wine selection because I felt the sommelier staring down.

"The Apparent Trap"

FRASIER:  (to NILES and LILITH ) You're willing to throw all that away because of one ill-considered night of passion? It happened! Take from it what you can learn. Move on.
NILES:  Well—I learned if you kiss her too fast, you get an ice-cream headache.

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DAPHNE:  Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
NILES:  Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

++++++++

NILES:  What's this about?
LILITH:  Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over, and now I'm beginning to think maybe it's not.
NILES:  Usually, in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't.

"The Fight before Christmas"

NILES:  (coming out of the elevator and seeing ROZ and DAPHNE standing together in the hall ) Well, there's a Christmas tableau: Naughty and Nice.

++++++++

NILES:  It seems our old gardener has passed away unexpectedly.
FRASIER:  Oh, not Yoshi. Gosh, that's too bad.
NILES:  Yeah. He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris' elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never had a chance.

++++++++

NILES:  Maris and Yoshi were very close. In fact, I remember he once made a topiary likeness of her, and wept without shame when it developed root rot.

"RDWRER"

MARTIN:  Oh ... you're not good with big cars, Niles. Remember when I tried to teach you to drive my Le Sabre? You kept panicking and pulling on the emergency brake.
NILES:  Well, it's a good thing I did. Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down.

++++++++

MARTIN:  I wonder if you can still get "sticky shingles" here.
NILES:  One look at the salad bar says yes.

"They're Playing Our Song"

DAPHNE:  You see, this water traps all the dirt particles instead of recycling them back into the air. I got all that just from Dr. Crane's pillow. (indicating the dirty water)
MARTIN:  Eeew!
NILES:  (to FRASIER ) I've been begging  you to switch to a more abrasive loofah.

"Big Crane on Campus"

FRASIER:  I tried to ask her out and I choked. I did get the impression that she was interested in me, though.
NILES:  Well, of course she is. Oh, and the coach called. You're starting the big game on Sunday.

++++++++

NILES:  Cooking a meal for one's mate is a big first step.
FRASIER:  Yes, especially for you. I mean, Maris never let you cook for her.
NILES:  Mm, that's true. The closest I ever got was restocking the pills in her bedside lazy Susan.

"Out with Dad"

NILES:  May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers, and the stage swarming with standbys!

"Whine Club"

FRASIER:  Well, Niles, it's the moment of truth. Don't choke.
NILES:  Please. Prepare to be stomped like a late-harvest Gewurtztraminer.

"Hot Pursuit"

MARTIN:  (opening his thermos) This is clam chowder!
NILES:  Well, what did you expect?
MARTIN:  Irish whiskey! Your mother always filled it with coffee and Irish whiskey. We just called it "clam chowder" in front of you kids.
NILES:  Is that why you got so mad that day I crumbled oyster crackers in your thermos?

"Morning Becomes Entertainment"

BEBE:  (taking out a cigarette) May I?
FRASIER:  On the balcony, if you don't mind.
BEBE:  Mind? I don't want a single puff tearing up the baby blues of TV's newest sensation! By this time next week—
NILES:  You heard him; if you're going to blow smoke, do it on the balcony.

"The Three Faces of Frasier"

FRASIER: You know, if I were you, I would be careful about bandying about the word "vain," Mr. Two-Hundred-and-Fifty-Dollar Haircut.
NILES: I have problem follicles.

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FRASIER:  Now, you'd better finish your lasagna. You don't want to offend Stefano.
NILES:  Offend him? So far tonight, I have had the prosciutto di Parma, the pesto Genovese, and the Venetian sea bass. One more bite, and we'll conclude our little tour of Italy with my impression of Pompeii.

"Something Borrowed, Someone Blue"

DAPHNE:  So, you brought me something, Roz?
ROZ:  Well, yeah, I figured you can't get married without wearing something borrowed. (hands DAPHNE a gift box)
DAPHNE:  (opening the box) Oh, what a beautiful garter! Look at all the lovely detail.
NILES:  I especially like the little odometer.

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ROZ:  Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I've dated?
NILES:  I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetops.

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NILES:  Daphne—take it from someone who knows. You don't want to spend half your life thinking about a chance you didn't take.