Niles Crane's Greatest Lines: Season Six

In season six, the character of Niles acquires new depth; the writers give him more moments of pathos, not only in his love for Daphne, but in all his relationships. We find him more affectionately tolerant of Frasier's shortcomings and more solicitous of Martin. Even his jibes at Roz's expense become increasingly good-natured in tone and delivery as their friendship solidifies. Consequently, Niles is given fewer "zingers" to say, but the characters around him are more vocal about his actions and situation. All of this only strengthens an already strong and vivid character, giving the viewer even more reason to like him and sympathize with him.

 

Again, all quotes are taken directly from the DVDs and checked multiple times for accuracy.

"Good Grief"

FRASIER: Oh, you're just in time! I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
MARTIN: Here?
NILES: Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

++++++++

NERDY FAN: It's cool, isn't it, your brother having his own club?
NILES: (looking at him askance)  Yeah, well ... seeing all of you, I sort of wish I had a club myself.

"Frasier's Curse"

FRASIER: Niles, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice. I swear, I'm in full-blown crisis.
NILES: Well, if you're talking about that garish belt, I have emergency suspenders in my car.

++++++++

FRASIER: Daphne, will you assist me, please? This is my school newsletter.
DAPHNE: The Bryce Academy Crier.
NILES: Which, coincidentally, was Frasier's nickname his first year there.

"Dial 'M' for Martin"

MARTIN: Hey, Niles.
ROZ: Hi, Niles.
NILES: Hello. I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
ROZ: Yeah, Niles. We just eloped. I'm your new mom.
NILES: (heartily)  Well! I'll be a son of a bitch.

"How to Bury a Millionaire"

NILES: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
FRASIER: Well, what do your lawyers tell you?
NILES: Well, mostly, my salary isn't even covering my legal bills.

++++++++

NILES: I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's barely tolerable having  a price range.

++++++++

LANDLORD: And we've got a rec room, too. And did you see the hot tub?
NILES: If you're referring to that six-man Petri dish, yes.

"The Seal Who Came to Dinner"

NILES: If my life gets any worse, I'm phoning Hell to ask about their exchange program.

++++++++

MARTIN: And besides, who else is gonna loan you their place? It's not like you can ask Maris.
NILES: I don't have to ask her. She's out of the country. She's in Antwerp having her elbows done. She has that stunning beach house! I'm sure I can get past the alarm!
MARTIN: Isn't that breaking and entering?
NILES: Oh, pish. It can't be a crime if it's catered.

"Roz, a Loan"

FRASIER: Birdwell's? My God, isn't that a little pricey?
NILES: I'll say. It's Maris' favorite store. They give points for every dollar you spend there. One year, she got enough to have Tony Bennett come to our house and sing.

++++++++

NILES: I should go. I want to get down to the spa before Dad. He may bridle when the front desk clerk asks him if he prefers a man or a woman.

++++++++

FRASIER: All right, how bad was it?
NILES: Mortifying. First of all, he refused to go nude, even in the private rooms.
FRASIER: Well, Niles, don't forget Dad is of a different generation.
NILES: Wearing socks and underpants and carrying a wallet into a mudbath is not a generational issue. If you ever hear me offer to take Dad to a spa again, wash out my mouth with jug  wine.

"Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz"

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the next ten nights? Because my—
NILES: Yes. (beat)  Excuse me, finish the question.

"Our Parents, Ourselves"

NILES: (feigning enthusiasm)  The Super Bowl and  a date. Hot diggity.
BONNIE: Well, come here, you're just in time for my specialty.
NILES: Well, how— (BONNIE stuffs a meat-laden cracker in his mouth)  Mm. Mmm ...! Isn't that interesting. Something formerly ham.

"The Show where Woody Shows Up"

NILES: Well, if it's "raucous" you're looking for, we could go and get a night cap at the piano bar at the Mayflower Hotel. It's Jerome Kern night. Last time, people were shouting out requests without raising their hands!

"Three Valentines"

One of Niles' most memorable scenes has almost no spoken lines whatever; but somehow, it just didn't seem right not to include it here. This is Pierce at his comedic genius best.

 

"To Tell the Truth"

 

FRASIER: Well, the office seems nice enough. Might have overdone it on the plants a little, but ...

NILES: Yes. It's excess like this that's destroying the plastic rain forest.

++++++++

NILES: Oh ...! University of Las Vegas. No problem finding tassels for those  mortar boards.

++++++++

FRASIER: Niles, you have got to hear this man out. I'm sorry, this is exactly what you want in a lawyer—someone who's not afraid to show a little moxie.

NILES: Oh, he's an inch away from showing us the full  moxie!

++++++++

NILES: Urinal cakes?! I don't believe this! All these years ... the doyenne of Seattle's elite, looking down her nose at everyone in sight. She owes it all to this. (beat)  She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it, too.

 

"Decoys"

 

NILES: Obviously, you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.

ROZ: Well, sure, I have.

NILES: I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season.

++++++++

NILES: Yes! Yes! Yes, I want Daphne! I think we belong together, just like I think you and Donny belong together, and why should two people be happy, when four people can be ecstatic?

 

"Dinner Party"

 

DAPHNE: Who knows, Roz? Maybe you'll meet some English lord who'll make you a Lady.

NILES: I think at this point it would take the actual  Lord to make her a lady.

++++++++

ROZ: Could you two please leave, so Daphne can change?

NILES: Daphne, you're not actually going out in that,  are you?

DAPHNE: That's it. I'm staying home.

ROZ: No! Just try it. We can accessorize it.

NILES: With what? A lamp post and a public defender?

 

"Taps at the Montana"

 

WOMAN: You must tell us all about your African tour, Dr. Crane.

MAN: Yes. Did the local people actually enjoy your lectures?

NILES: Well, yes, quite a bit. Uh, except, of course, for the pygmies. Most of it went right over their heads.

 

"I. Q."

 

DAPHNE: I'm chatting online with Donny. (computer chimes)  Oh, what's he saying?

NILES: Uh— (reading)  "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet." (beat)  Apparently, he has some sort of typing impediment.

++++++++

FRASIER: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Niles; [Mom] adored you. Don't you remember the time you lost your tricycle? She actually took mine away from me and gave it to you.

NILES: Well, that was for your own good. No eight-year-old should be riding a tricycle.

 

"Dr. Nora"

 

NILES: Hey, Dad. You probably noticed I shaved my moustache. I decided a better way to change my look was to pump some iron.

MARTIN: Oh. So, what, you joined a gym?

NILES: I certainly did. I start the minute my weight belt gets back from the monogrammers.

 

"Visions of Daphne"

 

One of Pierce's most moving performances in all of  Frasier was as the heartbroken Niles witnessing Daphne's engagement to Donny. I feel certain it was this episode, along with his brilliant pantomime in "Three Valentines," that won him his third Emmy. (His first two were for the second and fifth seasons; his fourth was for the final season.)

 

"Shut Out in Seattle"

 

BONNIE: I was at the Super Bowl, remember? I brought the ham loaf.

NILES: Oh, who could forget?

FRASIER: We talked about it long after.

NILES: It came up almost daily.

++++++++

NILES: Nothing for me, thanks.

FAYE: Are you sure? I make a mean nut cake.

NILES: No, that's all right. I'm meeting one for lunch.

++++++++

NILES: So you really like her?

FRASIER: Yes, I do.

NILES: And you're not just saying that?

FRASIER: Absolutely not.

NILES: You want her?

FRASIER: Excuse me?

NILES: Frasier, she's killing me.

FRASIER: Oh ...

NILES: I-I'm just not cut out for this lifestyle. Between seeing myself in a mirror at the club, dancing my modified Charleston, and ... catching my reflection in the store window this morning as I rollerbladed past in spandex, I ... I feel like I'm being stalked by some pathetic, middle-aged ghoul; I .... Obviously, I've got to break it off with her.

FRASIER: Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry, Niles. You going to tell her now?

NILES: No, no, no. I'll arrange to meet her after work. Tell you the truth, I think she's losing interest herself. I couldn't help noticing a little eye-rolling today when my skate wheel got stuck in a storm grate.

++++++++

NILES: Well, I plan to get stinkin'  tonight.

FRASIER: (taking drink from bartender)  Thank you.

NILES: (to bartender)  May I see your wine list?